Worse than I thought possible

At 4:30 this morning I realized that there are worse things than dead mice in the attic. We slept with the window open, it being quite warm in the house last night. In the midst of tossing and turning, hoping no one was climbing in the window, a third ingredient introduced itself to our unfortunate situation. We were visited by skunks. Oh Lordy...

Rats!

The other morning I woke up with Otis dancing across the bed. Opening one eye, I could see him running back and forth over our legs while looking up at the ceiling. Then I heard something being dragged across the ceiling in the attic. Gross! We must have mice or a rat up there, I thought. How disgusting. And I fell back asleep with Otis' little frolic continuing unabated.

This happened every morning around 5:00 for several days. No scampering sounds, just this heavy dragging sort of sound--a miniature ball and chain, in my fantasy. I heard some frantic leaping about over the kitchen ceiling one morning while I was cooking breakfast. Otis heard it, too, and started pacing the floor, looking up at the ceiling as though something was about to drop.

Last night, we heard two odd scraping sounds in the wall of the living room. Sam froze as his eyes rolled toward the sound. Yuck. We really must have a colony up there. It's pretty horrible to contemplate, but it surely is consistent with the quality of this house! Rats! I told Sam that we probably should put some traps up in the attic. But neither of us was too keen on going up there with flashlight to lay the traps down, much less bring them down with wriggling, terrified, chattering rats caught in the glue traps like hideous statues. To drown them in a bucket is even worse to contemplate. So we didn't do anything about them.

This afternoon when we walked into the house, an unearthly smell met us. It was like Sam's dirty socks, even ten times worse. It was in our bedroom, I thought. So I wrenched off all the sheets and the comforter and did a huge laundry. How could we have been sleeping in such a bed with such a stench? We must be more piggy than I thought. Sam came in the room and began sniffing about. He stopped short by the closet. "It's a dead rat in the attic, I think," he said gravely. Sure enough, I think it is, too. I pray that it is a mouse--the smell will be gone in a couple days.

My aunt called tonight and told me to put cups of vinegar around the room. "It will smell strong for a couple days, but it will absorb the odor." I'm prepared to hose it into the attic. But I don't want to go up there. Oh no...
Does anyone know how to get that smell out of the house?

Avalanche!

Have you ever started out to do a good thing and find it all snowball into a huge mess? There are times in all of our lives when this happens. We see something that needs to be taken care of and upon further investigation we find that many things are amiss. Or a worker or student comes by just to let you know that so and so is doing something like filching office money or selling office supplies on the side. Three of these kinds of things happened to me this week and I'm still reeling.

As a new administrator I've been dancing around several ideas related to the hullabaloo that follows the discovery of these unfortunate events. It seems that there are a few predictable ways people respond to finding out that something is grossly amiss. Here are a couple scenarios:

"I'm going straight to the principal and tell!" This is not an uncommon response. People who do this usually have a hard time maintaining their anxiety. In other words, it's so anxiety producing to have something wrong or out of line that they rush to the higher ups and report what they have found. They don't want to be implicated in anything bad, so are quick to point out what others are doing wrong. I'm not sure that they want a pat on the head necessarily, but they do want things to be correct and smooth.

"Then Mary said to Tom..." Some people were born watching other people live and have no intention to do it themselves now. These individuals find another person to talk the problem over with fully and completely. Every angle is examined and discussed. After one or both get insight and incidentally, gain strength from each other's knowledge and validation of their ideas, they keep a buzz going about the latest development. And they do nothing about it themselves except to complain or point out the issue to anyone who will listen.

"Well, what do you know?" This person wants to sit back and watch to get a good grasp of the situation while they think of various ways to address the problem. These individuals only do this if there is no immediate, significant threat to life or limb. It is an art to switch into ethnomethodologist mode--the researcher-observer who wants to fully understand why people do what they do, how they do it, how it affects other people, what the losses are, and what the individual(s) gain from the behavior. Then they act on what they have observed, pulling in another appropriate entity or entities to deal with the issue.

"Howdy, Pilgrim!" This John Wayne impersonator sees something or someone who operates contrary to how they should and wades into the situation to right it themselves. Very little forethought goes into this kind of response. "I'm going to blow this wide open and then we'll see if they can get away with that!" Unfortunately, this approach rarely takes into account all that can go wrong from an indelicate rush upon the wrongdoers. And, in true John Wayne style, declare mennacingly, "Like *$#!@!, you'll do that again!"

As I've watched the turmoil that has resulted from problems I discovered this week, I have been amused by my own response. All three of the issues have been going on since I started this job, and they have driven me almost to distraction. When I started asking questions about one of the situations, it blew up and I was able to see what was being protected and hidden. Two other situations were ones about which I began documenting the second week in this job. Pulling in our Human Resource officers, the revelations that followed nearly ripped my workplace apart. All I knew was that these three issues were intolerable. I had no idea an avalanche would follow.

So tonight I'm trying to climb my way out and see the sunlight again. Life is not for the fainthearted.

Week from Hell

This last month has been horrible. I am behind in everything, exhausted, overwhelmed, and need a break. So I took one for weeks. I think I'm back now. There should be more consistency in what you see here.
Thanks for bearing with me and for coming back.

Wierd labels

For those of you who have ever had a colonoscopy, the name, GoLytely arouses fear and horror as little else can do. GoLytely is a medicated beverage that doesn't make you go lightly at all. To the contrary, it makes a person lose all but their immortal soul in a few hours. As I listened to thundering feet down the hall for most of last night, I wondered who the creative soul was who thought up this euphemistic label.

The advertising world has had a heyday with an unsuspecting public--one that they assume is as daft as to not realize they've been had. They charge virtual miracles resulting from unknown products; veritable entry into the world of ageless, consciousness-raising, advanced members of the race. Consider these bylines straight from product labels in my house:

Apply all over for volumes of attitude (I can assure you that volumes of attitude I did get--especially from bemused passersby whose glances told me that my hair had definitely made a statement that day.)

Restores natural suppleness and bounce. (I should bathe in this!)

Amazing radiance without gritty sensation. (Why would lipstick ever be gritty?)

For hair that's irresistably alluring to the eye and beautiful to the touch. (This concoction gave me one of the worst bad hair days I've ever had)

Makeup for lost time with our Micro Lift System. (This sounds like gym equipment, but it is on my makeup bottle).

Pearlized microparticles brighten the eyes and diffuse light... (wow!)

...whipped mousse formula... (this sounds like pudding--I should like to eat some)

And it goes on and on. Snake oil can be marketed colorfully to keep us coming back for more, always longing for something we don't have. It's all in the languaging of things.

Perhaps this is one reason why Jesus said, "But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil" (Matthew 5:37) and James reiterated this, "...let your yea be yea; and your nay, nay; lest ye fall into condemnation." (James 5:12).

What did the kids see?

A story of abuse is never over until we see what happened to the children and grandchildren of the abuser. The Bible doesn't tell us much about these individuals, except for the incident in which Jacob's sons killed the entire male population in a city for violating their sister. Apparently they had zero tolerance for abusive behavior and rather than dealing with the guilty parties, they took it out on the entire city.

But before we leave the story of Laban, there are questions that need to be noted--unanswered questions:
What did the children see?
What did they think about their grandfather chasing them as if they were criminals?
Did they see their mothers and father cower?
Did they feel the stress in the family because of the working conditions of their father?
Did they see how dishonest their grandfather was?
Did they hear explanations for Laban's behavior from his daughters?
Did they learn to associate power with abuse and deceit?
Did it seem a normal thing to them to have intrigue in hierarchical relationships?

Those who live in abusive relationships forget that what they allow to continue, what becomes a daily pattern, becomes internalized by the children who watch. Far too often, the children look for romantic partners who will keep this pattern alive--the call of the familiar is equaled only by the anxiety of being in a relationship with unfamiliar rules and behavior. So this continues on and on. Be careful what you do and what you allow in your home. It sets the template for your children's marriage and personal fulfillment in the future.

As for the story of Laban the abuser, I have read this story over time and again, despised him, and moved on. It was only recently that I read more slowly and realized that his behavior was so typical of abusers. I hope this has been a useful discussion for the readers. It has for me.

A heap of stones

Then as so many abusers do, Laban accused Jacob of stealing his gods. He needed some pretense for hotly pursuing Jacob, so here it was. Through the entire preceding tirade of Laban, Jacob was quiet. But when he was accused and shamed, he responded. And he responded with an admission of his feelings--and this again, is so often what the abused do. It occurs because they think that if they can just be honest and vulnerable in some way, then the abuser will reply in kind. Or they may be scared and feel guilty because of the accusations about their character. So they make comments that work against them.
You were scared that I'd take your wives by force? Laban never responds to this concern. Obviously, he would have done this, had it not been for God's instruction to Laban to the contrary, in a dream. Jacob must have been quite rattled, facing this man with all of his children, wives, and belongings standing behind him. And on the other side stood Laban with "all his relatives," the Bible tells us. I don't know how many people that was, but it could have been quite a crowd. What more, they did not have the dream from God and they had pursued with the intent of bringing Jacob back home. So they probably didn't have the most pleasant expressions on their faces.
One of the challenges of women in abusive marriages, is that their abuser often goes to relatives to get them to prevail upon the wives to return home. They say things to their mother-in-law or sister-in-laws like, "I just couldn't live without that woman! Won't you please tell her that I'm dying here without her?" And family members get suckered into acting at the behest of the abuser, to fulfill his best interests. Most times it is not the best interest of the woman to go back to him. But there they are: the woman standing at one side and her husband, his family and her family, all standing on the other side asking her to go back. And we wonder why it takes an abused woman about six to ten goes to get away from an abuser...

Finally, Jacob seems to regain his wits. He invites Laban to search through his belongings for his missing household gods--and to do it while there are witnesses present. I really dislike the image of Laban that emerges here. Rather than sending off his daughters with a celebration and best wishes--even giving them his household gods for good measure--he begins a search, tent by tent, looking for these idols. Now it is the principle of the matter for Laban. He wants to prove that Jacob has done wrong by him and therefore his need to flee, his belongings, his dignity are of little consequence. So he goes through everyone's things, looking for these gods.
When Laban got to Rachel's tent and she said that she couldn't stand up in his presence because she was menstrating, Jacob finally found his voice and his anger. There are times in the lives of abuse victims when they can't clearly see what is happening to them because they lack distance from their situation. But when abuse occurs to someone they love and feel protective of, they can act decisively. Research on abuse victims tells us that this point for a number of women occurs when their children are abused by their abuser.
So here Jacob sees Laban intruding on Rachel--his favored wife whom he loved enough to work 14 years. And he becomes very angry and his anger finds words:

"What is my crime?" he asked Laban. "What sin have I committed that you hunt me down? Now that you have searched through all my goods, what have you found that belongs to your household? Put it here in front of your relatives and mine, and let them judge between the two of us.
"I have been with you for twenty years now. Your sheep and goats have not miscarried, nor have I eaten rams from your flocks. I did not bring you animals torn by wild beasts; I bore the loss myself. And you demanded payment from me for whatever was stolen by day or night. This was my situation: The heat consumed me in the daytime and the cold at night, and sleep fled from my eyes. It was like this for the twenty years I was in your household. I worked for you fourteen years for your two daughters and six years for your flocks, and you changed my wages ten times. If the God of my father, the God of Abraham and the Fear of Isaac, had not been with me, you would surely have sent me away empty-handed. But God has seen my hardship and the toil of my hands, and last night he rebuked you."

Laban doesn't respond to this, although it's true. At this point, he must have had some sense of embarassment to hear this in front of his relatives whom he incited to pursue his renegade nephew. Jacob was right--God had rebuked Laban. Jacob had worked hard and perhaps the relatives present didn't know just how hard he had worked or what he had done for Laban. But Laban didn't admit to any wrongdoing. He couldn't.

Abusers are fragile souls. They have what we therapists call a "very weak ego system." Many abusers are all or nothing, black and white thinkers. They are unable to admit to anything unsavory because if they do say they have done bad, then they reason, they are bad. And if they say they have done something bad, then they are unable to think of themselves as good in any way. So one wrong, if admitted, means that they are 100% bad. If they sit with this knowledge, they are overwhelmed and want to die. Suicide and homicide are common bedfellows on this point. This is true of most criminals and abusers, but not necessarily about the antisocial criminals (psychopaths).
Think about it: how many criminals who are interviewed on television ever admit to their deeds or the badness of the deeds? They deny their guilt to their last breath. Prison wardens will tell you that jails are filled with "innocent" people! I worked with a woman who had systematically tortured her child and who had been imprisoned several years for the crime. Not once in six months could I ever get her to admit that she had done anything to her child. Because if she did admit it, then it would be proof that she was bad, all bad, not good, all bad. And she would have felt unfit to live. Few people realize the fragility of people who have abused others, or that the degree of intensity they use to fight and control represents the degree of desperation they feel about maintaining their fragile ego, intact.
So Laban is just like this, too. Rather than admitting that he was dishonest and that he had no cause for his aggression toward Jacob and the family, he states ownership over all that Jacob has: "The women are my daughters, the children are my children, and the flocks are my flocks. All you see is mine." This, in the face of Jacob's explanation of how he came to have his flocks and herds, not to mention, his wives. Laban can't back down. He does (again), what so many abusers do when they can't argue a point and win. He takes control and suggests an activity they can do together to prove that they have good will between them. It's something that suggests, "Let's just put this all behind us and move forward as though nothing ever happened." And since the abused want to move ahead and forget what happened, they often comply.

So a pillar and heap of stones are set up as a memorial of this agreement between the two men. They eat nearby, all together. Then comes time for the pronouncements to solemnify this gesture. It's the Mizpah prayer--the prayer of the watchtower, as it is known. It is also what we used to stand by our desks and say aloud every afternoon before we were allowed to leave school:
"May the Lord watch between me and thee,
While we are absent, one from another. Amen."
Laban gets a lick in when he charges Jacob not to marry any other women than his daughters, or to mistreat them. This, after his own surly behavior. I doubt that Laban really cared that much about his daughter's wellbeing. He was flexing his muscles in threatening Jacob, and also making it seem that he (Laban) was a good father. That is something that abusers come unglued about: accusations about their integrity or capabilities. Any chink in their armor means that they are all useless, incapable, worthless, all un-good. So they make a play of being attentive and caring. But it is for the wrong reason. Laban did this here once again. Perhaps it was for the benefit of his relatives, with whom he would have to live when he returned to his own land. Maybe it was for his self esteem that he said this. It also may be that he realized that he had no grounds for pressing Jacob and he (Laban) was dangerously close to losing face.

Laban states, "Here is the pillar and the heap that I have set up." Even though in verses 45-46 it says that Jacob set up the pillar and asked his relatives to gather stones for the heap of rocks. Now he says that this heap of rocks has become a boundary so that Laban will not go past it "to harm you." Odd statement this, from a man who had just tried to make his pursuit of the family be about his care for his daughters and grandchildren. If he was a loving, good-hearted father, why does harm even come into the picture? The first time I read this I found this word jarring. It just doesn't fit with the Mizpah prayer cited above. Perhaps Laban was beginning to feel his age and fear for his safety, should Jacob ever become vindictive for all that Laban had done against him these years. So he added, "...you will not go past this heap and pillar to my side to harm me." If Jacob had wanted to harm Laban, he had ample time to do it before now.
When all else fails, abusers may resort to calling on God to witness the supposed integrity and selfless motivation in their abusive acts. And Laban does this here: "May the God of Abraham and the God of Nahor, the God of their father, judge between us." Judge? Judge who is guilty and who is innocent? Decide who is right and wrong? It was an odd oath from a man who purported to be concerned about the wellbeing of his daughters.

Jacob must have felt some resolution and strength in this. He then took the lead by preparing a meal and serving his relatives that night. The Bible says they ate that night, spent time together, and the next morning Laban kissed his grandchildren and daughters and returned home. End of story.
Or was it?

Laban the Bully

Laban's sons became jealous and began a smear campaign by saying that Jacob had only gotten rich and prestigious because of Laban. This angered Laban and Jacob could see that "his face was not with him as before." Interesting. Lots of things show in people's faces, but as we get older we blunt our perceptions until we become stupidly incapable of seeing what is actually there.

It must have been pretty serious, because God told Jacob to get out of there and go home. God added to His injunction, "I am with you." It was a blessing and promise that God would protect Jacob. Everything would work out.

Genesis 31:4 says that Jacob called Leah and Rachel out into the field to consult with them about leaving. This leads me to believe that Jacob had had a chance meeting with Laban that was negative enough that he felt immediate changes were necessary. The women made an interesting observation in response to Jacob's query. "Haven't we become as strangers to our father since he sold us and utterly consumed our money?" I'm not sure about the ancient customs related to women and wills at that time, but clearly these women indicated that something was grossly wrong with the treatment they had received from their father. They verbalized that whatever Jacob had gained during his hire for Laban, they deserved. So they urged him to leave right away.
Laban went off to another town to shear his sheep. Jacob packed up his belongings, and Rachel went to her father's house and stole his teraphim--household gods of the time. And they rushed off toward Gilead.
After three days, someone told Laban that Jacob had left the area and was on his way back to his father's country. Laban followed in hot pursuit for seven days and caught up with him in the hill country of Gilead. I wonder what Laban planned to do? He was an older man chasing after a much younger man and his family--his own daughters and grandchildren. Apparently, he traveled with his relatives, with whom he hoped to coerce Jacob to return.
Laban had an interesting dream in which God told him not to do anything bad to Jacob. So he restrained himself from being violent, at least.
"What have you done?"
"You tricked me." (the pot calling the kettle black!)
"You have taken my daughters away like prisoners of war!" And he had sold them as though they were slaves, having little regard for them. This is what often happens with abusers: they are quick to accuse others of things that they themselves are guilty of. It is so guilt inducing that people immediately feel off-balance and back down. Then the abuser gets what s/he wants.

Laban does here what so many abusers do: boast about their intentions. He wanted to kiss his children and grandchildren goodbye, have a huge party and sing the old family songs together. He would have sent Jacob and his daughters off happily. This is what he said, however, his life with them proved otherwise.
I wonder what Jacob, Rachel, and Leah did when he made these statements. Perhaps they said nothing or looked disbelieving, because Laban continued with a bullying tone: "I could have hurt you, you know. If it weren't for God speaking directly to me about this--and I am as important as that--then I would have hurt you." This right after he said he wanted to give them a party. Why would a person even suggest such a thing? Again--typical of an abuser. If flattery or promises of grand things don't work, then threats and muscle flexing commence.

In the field of family violence studies, this behavior comes up again and again. There are several reasons for it. For starters, intermittant rewards are the most successful in gaining compliance. What does that mean? Just that if a person is a bully but sometimes appears not to be, their victims live in hope that they will just revert to the way they are supposed to be--the "good" non-bullying version. The victims see possibility in the allusions to good behavior and therefore comply in the hopes that it will come true. Of course it may, but then quickly reverts back to violence. This keeps a person in limbo and unable to adjust to the nasty behavior that most commonly occurs, or to get away.
Another reason these good comments come up about what an abuser intends to do is because they are in denial that their behavior is unacceptable. They are fooling themselves into thinking that they really do the generous things they speak of. Their victims know otherwise.

When bullying and promises of good times are ignored, Laban becomes shaming and accusatory again. "Now you have run away. You wanted to go back to your father." Read here, "You wimp. You have left with your tail between your legs."

Jacob finally speaks up. He admits that he was fearful that Laban would take his wives away from him by force. That is an interesting comment--not one that would be made of someone trustworthy, warm, and protective, as father-in-laws are to be. He didn't trust Laban, and for good reason.

Looks are Deceiving

Many abusers are quite charming on the outside. They may present themselves as earnestly desiring the best for another party. Yet they may be taking advantage of them, or trying to play the relationship in order to capitalize on an opportunity. They can be quite funny, polished, educated, sophisticated, and as dishonest and untrustworthy as the day is long. You can count on them to choose what is best for themselves regardless of how it leaves you in the end.

I once had a friendship with a man who kept me in stitches most of the time with his hilarious reparte. He had an accent that made women swoon and that evoked comraderie with even the most hardened man. I've been with him in ice cream bars when he has charmed the counter staff into giving us free ice cream, just because of his demeanor and earnestness. He has networked with more important people in his field than many people do over their lifetime--and he has a thriving clinical practice. Yet I don't trust him as far as I can see him. Why? Because I've watched him behave, seen how he darts into opportunities that advantage him alone, then heard his unkind commentary about the people he has just riffed.

Abusers can look earnest, spiritual, educated, sophisticated--and can be extremely personable. Laban was like this. He was wealthy and now we see in Genesis 31 that he had sons and many herds. We see that Laban changed Jacob's wages 10 times. I don't know what the time frame of those 10 changes was, but we already know that Laban didn't seem to have any consideration for his own daughter's wishes, let alone Jacob's wellbeing. One would think that a man would want to ensure the future prosperity of his grandchildren if it stood within his power to do so. Laban obviously was pretty well off--Jacob had added to his wealth considerably. But he was stingy and sneaky. Why else would he have changed Jacob's wages so often? I doubt it was because Jacob got a raise each of those 10 times, or else he wouldn't have complained about it.

Laban uses the right language to create a picture of being a dedicated God-fearing man. It reminds me of a man I know who appeared to be a very godly man. He was a chaplain who was well known for being a real communicator and warm person. Yet he hated being called to the emergency room when people died, hated to pray with people at the bedside, and didn't want to be known as a chaplain. He also had a pretty healthy sexual addiction. His off-campus office was right across the street from the local X-rated bookstore. And he was unethical in imposing his religious (non-religious) views on patients. His language and demeanor were right for the image, but his heart was far afield. Sadly, this often happens.

Let me go

By the time we get to Genesis 30, Leah had given birth to six sons and a daughter. Rachel had given birth to Joseph. Jacob must have been working for his father-in-law for a minimum of 14 years. He suddenly had 11 children by Leah, Rachel, and their servants. Now he wanted to go back home. His parents had never seen his children and he wanted to go back to his own country.

When he asked Laban to allow him to leave and take his wives and children with him, Laban asked him to stay by. God had blessed Laban because of Jacob's wise care of the flocks. Apparently, Laban still considered him part of his own household and had not given him anything with which to start his own flocks. This is an important issue, since in Bible time, wealth was reckoned in livestock. It strikes me as a pretty stingy streak Laban had. He was clearly taking advantage of Jacob, even though in those times things were different. Jacob asked for the outcasts of any flock: the speckled and black sheep and goats. No sheep with any marks on it could be used as a sacrifice for sin, so Jacob would have to buy from Laban what he would need for his family. It's interesting also that Jacob stated that he didn't want Laban to think he had stolen anything from him, or that he had gotten his wealth dishonestly. I wonder why he said that--I'd never ask for something from my mother and then clarify what I've asked for so she wouldn't think ill of me. That is strange to me.

Laban turned over his speckled and black lambs and goats, and then put three days distance--or about 30 miles--between the two of them so they wouldn't get their livestock mixed up. Then, Jacob was smart enough to strengthen his herds and to breed only the strong ones of the flock, not the weak ones. Laban bred both strong and weak and thus his herd was not of the same caliber as Jacob's.

In all these things, we get a picture that Jacob worked hard, was smart, and tried to do well for his family. There is nothing to suggest that he had done anything unreasonable in his request to Laban, nor how he managed his own affairs.

In the family social science research literature, a fair number of articles exist about the challenges unique to family businesses. Resentment happens, children who should be growing into the next "boss" of the family are kept under the thumb of a parent with declining energy or capability; a new idea of the offspring is viewed through the lens of his or her "wild oat" behavior years before, and their credibility or ideas are not honored. Children begin to squabble over who will get what when the older generation steps down from leadership, or when they die. In Bible times, children were considered part of the family heritage until they married--if they were men. If they were women, they were a liability and allowed to go quickly to join their husband's family. But at some point, male children were given an inheritance and allowed to move on--as long as it wasn't far from the parents.
Perhaps it was because Jacob wasn't Laban's son that he was expected to serve his uncle. He had been taken in and given refuge. And here he had learned how to have integrity and to move away from his deceptive nature. When he began to advocate for himself and see to his best interests, Laban's true colors appeared.