So how then do family therapists (MFTs) intervene with their family members? Are they always "on" and looking for something to fix? Do they ever relate to their family members as just that: relatives? Do MFTs cross boundaries that they shouldn't? Should they completely avoid being helpful if they are able to help other families with similar issues?
Here is what some MFTs had to say about this:
I was seeing 65 people (clients) a week. Now that's frightening, right there. If a therapist sees more than 30 clients per week, assuming that each session is an hour apiece, that is bordering on emotional and mental burnout. I once saw 40 clients a week while I was still an intern, before I realized the truth of the advice I had been given not to see over 20 clients weekly. But this guy--seeing 65? He'd been at this for over 40 years. I wonder though, since he called one individual, "...a little s***" Sounds like burnout to me, which is a cause of and is caused by, boundary violations.
I do offer advice...when [my husband] runs into a people problem he runs them by me and we talk about them.
... sometimes the unresolved stuff from [my wife’s family of origin] gets in our way and then I will say, “this is what’s happening”. [Quoting his wife] “Well, you know you’re therapizing”, and I’ll say, “You know, you’re right, cause it’s affecting me and I need you to do somthin about it”.
This one always makes me laugh: ...If somebody will ask me about someone who looks like they’re having a break[down] and, you know, they’ll describe to me and I’ll say, “It sounds like they’re having a break you need to call somebody.” Well, actually, if I have a relationship with that person I’ll tell them what I think. Um, if I don’t have a relationship with that person, I don’t know how they…or what it is that they are asking me for, and I’m much more apt to suggest that they try seeing somebody professionally. Before I say much, yeah…cause, I mean, people can be really weird about that and very weird people can ask you about their very weird relatives. …people can want you to diagnose their relatives; that’s one weird. People wanting you to diagnose their relatives, all the while you’re looking at them and diagnosing them and that’s weird.
Most of the therapists talked about their family members in highly discipline specific jargon: My husband has a emotional dysregulation problem. I have to be very cognitive and [not] flood his amygdala.
Like I said, I think [my brother has] got some attachment issues um, and some beliefs, some core beliefs about himself that he really needs to take a look at.
This one is a classic: My seventeen-year-old daughter was ADHD, very strong willed, and so I did the behavioral chips system with her and she came home and was really upset and misunderstanding, thinking about that she was going to drive the [family car], my husband saying that she was not. She ...just totally threw a fit, and hated us and ran upstairs to her bedroom, and she was going to have her boyfriend taker her and run away. So I talked my husband into letting me handle it. He came in with me and sat down next to me, as she sat there and said what horrible parents we were and how we didn’t understand her, we didn’t care… So, I said, “So, what you’re saying is that you think we’re horrible parents, we don’t understand, we don’t care” [Start to laugh again]. She just went on and on, I just kept validating and, not agreeing, but feeding back where she was coming from. He watched her just calm down right in front of me, and ever since then he’s really started using the technique himself…
So perhaps there are times when it is helpful to be a therapist when interacting with some family members. Clearly, there are those who abuse the trust family members put in them, expecting that they will be regular type relatives who relate to them in ways that are typical of family members.
Therapy is an interesting business. Being a therapist is even more interesting. Thought you'd be interested to see what people other than me have to say about it all.
November 26, 2010
November 18, 2010
Therapists III
How do family members relate to their therapist sibling, child, mother, or father? The MFTs had some interesting observations about this and identified at least four patterns of behavior that they had experienced:
1. Silencing. One woman stated, It’s okay if [husband] wants to make observations about people, but if I do, I’m therapizing!
The family turns to me in crisis to sort things out, but they also keep secrets [from me] because I’m a truth teller . . . It matters to me to find the truth . . . they would probably say I’m the problem maker because I’m the one that points out things that nobody wants to hear… This therapist had watched her family go through some very difficult times around the event of their mother's suspicious death while in the care of one of her siblings. The therapist asked questions that no one was willing to answer. As a result, she was shut out and only given a guest pass to family membership. While this example is a more extreme family situation, other therapists reported the same kind of experiences. It seems to be a way that family members maintain some type of control over the unknown of the MFTs contributions to the family. This feels very odd, but it is a common dilemma.
2. Some therapists pointed out that their family members did not understand the legal and ethical issues that undergirded their therapeutic practice. Various family and friends expected that the therapist was "on" at all times and would provide therapy services for anyonee--particularly their friends and neighbors. …my husband…said “Come [to the house] and talk [to my MFT wife], if you want to talk about this.” And I said, “You know, I can’t do that because… that puts me one step closer to an unethical position.” It's an honest mistake on the part of our loved ones and a common situation that most of us have experienced.
3. Several of the therapists reported that their family members were interested in learning more about their insights and the theoretical underpinnings of their professional opinions. Once they began to understand these things, the family members began to apply them to relationships in their circle of friends and ask for the MFTs input: [My husband] will spend hours talking with me about this family or, or my family’s similarities or differences and that kind of thing...”
Other family members took an interest in the general psychological areas of study that the MFTs had; began their own study and then felt that they understood more of human nature and clinical issues than the MFT: I had a brother-in-law, my husband’s brother, who [laughs a little to herself] ...um, he’s always floundering about--in telling about the books that he’s read, and the “great insights” that he has had. Many of them are some “pop” psychology, without a lot of footage. As far as he’s concerned... I’ve never heard any remarks out of his mouth that I might know anything... Because popular psychology, Oprah and Dr. Phil shows are the extent of many people's psychological/relational education, it is hard to know whether citing these are a way to engage with MFTs whose work family members often don't understand, or if they feel that what is viewed on TV is all there is to family therapy. Many people seem to believe the latter.
4. Unhappiness about how the MFT engages with the family. One woman related how her fmaily asked her to be part of a family process for their alcoholic relative: Well, the whole family is going out for dad’s intervention meeting or whatever, and it would sure be nice if you could be there so that you could help us along.” I said, “Well, I’ll be there if you want me to, but I’m not helping anybody along. This is his treatment. These are the people that he’s working with; it’s not me.” It didn’t please a lot of them. Most of them have kind of, um, [Long pause]. I’m a little beyond tolerated, but I’m sort of the-I didn’t quite do what they thought I should have and there’s a lot of them that haven’t totally let go of that. Basically, I’m tolerated. No, it’s more than tolerated, but it’s not like… it’s okay for me to be not in the inner circle. The result of that has been that my husband isn’t in the inner circle like he used to be either.
Another MFT described what she thought was just a conversation that turned out to have been perceived as much more than that: We had a discussion one time about [his brother’s wife’s dysfunctional family that impacted brother’s marriage] cause she brought it up, and she has never liked me since and tried to keep my brother from connecting with me, and that was a real painful one.
An MFT whose extended family had a member with serious difficulty with the law made a suggestion to his father about what he would do if the family member in question was his son. He was pained by the response: and he said to me, “Well, doctor um, I-I understand what you’re trying to tell me”...you know, if he had said my whole name or something like that, that would have hurt me in a different way cause I would have felt like I was a twelve year old or a ten year old, but “doctor” was that then smelled of, “Your degree doesn’t matter. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You, you know, don’t have any real business of being a doctor anyway, and here you go riding in on your moral high ground, telling me what to do”, ...I felt really undercut. I felt deskilled, and I felt that he was going right for-right for the heart.
It is probably unsettling at times for family members to be related to someone whom they feel can "see right through me", or who is analyzing the daylights out of them all the time. Indeed, there are MFTs who do these things and who don't know how to turn off the therapeutic/analytical brain. But this is not typical of most of the people with whom I work. Newbies do this as well as those who seem to have no life of their own.
1. Silencing. One woman stated, It’s okay if [husband] wants to make observations about people, but if I do, I’m therapizing!
The family turns to me in crisis to sort things out, but they also keep secrets [from me] because I’m a truth teller . . . It matters to me to find the truth . . . they would probably say I’m the problem maker because I’m the one that points out things that nobody wants to hear… This therapist had watched her family go through some very difficult times around the event of their mother's suspicious death while in the care of one of her siblings. The therapist asked questions that no one was willing to answer. As a result, she was shut out and only given a guest pass to family membership. While this example is a more extreme family situation, other therapists reported the same kind of experiences. It seems to be a way that family members maintain some type of control over the unknown of the MFTs contributions to the family. This feels very odd, but it is a common dilemma.
2. Some therapists pointed out that their family members did not understand the legal and ethical issues that undergirded their therapeutic practice. Various family and friends expected that the therapist was "on" at all times and would provide therapy services for anyonee--particularly their friends and neighbors. …my husband…said “Come [to the house] and talk [to my MFT wife], if you want to talk about this.” And I said, “You know, I can’t do that because… that puts me one step closer to an unethical position.” It's an honest mistake on the part of our loved ones and a common situation that most of us have experienced.
3. Several of the therapists reported that their family members were interested in learning more about their insights and the theoretical underpinnings of their professional opinions. Once they began to understand these things, the family members began to apply them to relationships in their circle of friends and ask for the MFTs input: [My husband] will spend hours talking with me about this family or, or my family’s similarities or differences and that kind of thing...”
Other family members took an interest in the general psychological areas of study that the MFTs had; began their own study and then felt that they understood more of human nature and clinical issues than the MFT: I had a brother-in-law, my husband’s brother, who [laughs a little to herself] ...um, he’s always floundering about--in telling about the books that he’s read, and the “great insights” that he has had. Many of them are some “pop” psychology, without a lot of footage. As far as he’s concerned... I’ve never heard any remarks out of his mouth that I might know anything... Because popular psychology, Oprah and Dr. Phil shows are the extent of many people's psychological/relational education, it is hard to know whether citing these are a way to engage with MFTs whose work family members often don't understand, or if they feel that what is viewed on TV is all there is to family therapy. Many people seem to believe the latter.
4. Unhappiness about how the MFT engages with the family. One woman related how her fmaily asked her to be part of a family process for their alcoholic relative: Well, the whole family is going out for dad’s intervention meeting or whatever, and it would sure be nice if you could be there so that you could help us along.” I said, “Well, I’ll be there if you want me to, but I’m not helping anybody along. This is his treatment. These are the people that he’s working with; it’s not me.” It didn’t please a lot of them. Most of them have kind of, um, [Long pause]. I’m a little beyond tolerated, but I’m sort of the-I didn’t quite do what they thought I should have and there’s a lot of them that haven’t totally let go of that. Basically, I’m tolerated. No, it’s more than tolerated, but it’s not like… it’s okay for me to be not in the inner circle. The result of that has been that my husband isn’t in the inner circle like he used to be either.
Another MFT described what she thought was just a conversation that turned out to have been perceived as much more than that: We had a discussion one time about [his brother’s wife’s dysfunctional family that impacted brother’s marriage] cause she brought it up, and she has never liked me since and tried to keep my brother from connecting with me, and that was a real painful one.
An MFT whose extended family had a member with serious difficulty with the law made a suggestion to his father about what he would do if the family member in question was his son. He was pained by the response: and he said to me, “Well, doctor um, I-I understand what you’re trying to tell me”...you know, if he had said my whole name or something like that, that would have hurt me in a different way cause I would have felt like I was a twelve year old or a ten year old, but “doctor” was that then smelled of, “Your degree doesn’t matter. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You, you know, don’t have any real business of being a doctor anyway, and here you go riding in on your moral high ground, telling me what to do”, ...I felt really undercut. I felt deskilled, and I felt that he was going right for-right for the heart.
It is probably unsettling at times for family members to be related to someone whom they feel can "see right through me", or who is analyzing the daylights out of them all the time. Indeed, there are MFTs who do these things and who don't know how to turn off the therapeutic/analytical brain. But this is not typical of most of the people with whom I work. Newbies do this as well as those who seem to have no life of their own.
November 17, 2010
Therapists II
Everyone who goes into the helping professions seems to feel that they would like to somehow give back to the families who have supported them throughout their education. There is an unwritten law that states, "Children with expertise in various skills feel that they owe their best efforts to their family members." Realtors help their families find the best properties, physicians provide medical advice and help in numerous ways when their loved ones are hospitalized, and police officers run background checks on potential brother and sister-in-laws (even if they're not supposed to).
This is an issue of personal ethics: we take care of our own. But how are MFTs to interact with family members if the law and professional ethics dictate that we avoid bringing our professional knowledge to bear in our families? Our ethical standards state that we should not (a) unduly influence others due to our professional viewpoints, (b) have dual relationships with those with whom we have therapeutic relationships (dual relationship refers to being a friend plus a therapist), or (c) telling people what they should do in a definitive way regarding life choices. So how does a family therapist interact with their family when they reflect on these ethical standards, yet feel the pull of their personal ethics that urges them to offer therapeutic help?
Some MFTs lean toward the professional ethical stance and exercise great care in the way they interact with their relatives:
“…from day one I’ve said, “No families, no friends,” and that’s how I’ve put it to [my family]. They’ve gotten to the point where none of them have asked anything of me for years in that way.”
“I think that people who analyze…or therapize, it gives them a sense of superiority, so it’s just “No!””
“I can speak to woundedness… without doing therapy… not to be their therapist.”
“It’s not that I won’t do anything. I’ll say, based on my judgment, you need to deal with whatever burden you’re carrying…with a different person, and I’ll give you a list of names.”
These MFTs were able to flexibly interact with their family members without ignoring their dilemmas and without becoming their therapists. Yet they utilized their skills and knowledge to at least identify problems or attend to their loved ones by urging them to get help from someone else.
Another interesting dichotomy emerged from my analysis: MFTs either identified themselves first and foremost as a therapist, while others identified themselves as members of a family or community who just happened to be a therapist. They reflected on the surprise of others who seem to think that a therapist's experience is somehow different from everyone else's, and that because of this, their behavior should be of a particular insighftul and well-modulated character:
“My kids had mean parents instead of always understanding and perfectly appropriate parents. …[They’re] not going to be forever damaged somehow because I acted like a human being. “
“It’s okay if [my husband] wants to make observations about people, but if I do, I’m therapizing! I…get angry…and respond to him in a very human way, and he’ll say, “And you’re a therapist?!””
Therapists had a wide variety of responses to family members who held high expectations for their behavior and criticized them when they didn't meet these expectations.
MFTs whose identity as therapist seemed to loom large on the horizon for them and they seemed unable to move away from this identity. Rather, their family conceptualizations and interactions were described in theoretical and clinical terms. They seemed proud that they could somehow practice their art with family members:
:I think my own knowledge gives me a real peace with my own family…that I can look at them and know which ones to leave alone and which ones to work on them, with them.”
“…my brother [said], “We’ve been seeing a therapist and you did more in three days than he’s done in the last year.” that’s why I feel good about what I’m doing…this is a very collaborative process consultation.”
This latter statement was shared whilst the speaker crossed her eyes at me to emphasize key points she was making. I was utterly taken aback. I hope she doesn't do that with her clients!
Amd so my analysis continued on. I'll say more about it in the next post.
This is an issue of personal ethics: we take care of our own. But how are MFTs to interact with family members if the law and professional ethics dictate that we avoid bringing our professional knowledge to bear in our families? Our ethical standards state that we should not (a) unduly influence others due to our professional viewpoints, (b) have dual relationships with those with whom we have therapeutic relationships (dual relationship refers to being a friend plus a therapist), or (c) telling people what they should do in a definitive way regarding life choices. So how does a family therapist interact with their family when they reflect on these ethical standards, yet feel the pull of their personal ethics that urges them to offer therapeutic help?
Some MFTs lean toward the professional ethical stance and exercise great care in the way they interact with their relatives:
“…from day one I’ve said, “No families, no friends,” and that’s how I’ve put it to [my family]. They’ve gotten to the point where none of them have asked anything of me for years in that way.”
“I think that people who analyze…or therapize, it gives them a sense of superiority, so it’s just “No!””
On the other end of the spectrum, those who are very concerned about the wellbeing of their family members had found ways to address their concerns without becoming their therapists:
“I can speak to woundedness… without doing therapy… not to be their therapist.”
“It’s not that I won’t do anything. I’ll say, based on my judgment, you need to deal with whatever burden you’re carrying…with a different person, and I’ll give you a list of names.”
These MFTs were able to flexibly interact with their family members without ignoring their dilemmas and without becoming their therapists. Yet they utilized their skills and knowledge to at least identify problems or attend to their loved ones by urging them to get help from someone else.
Another interesting dichotomy emerged from my analysis: MFTs either identified themselves first and foremost as a therapist, while others identified themselves as members of a family or community who just happened to be a therapist. They reflected on the surprise of others who seem to think that a therapist's experience is somehow different from everyone else's, and that because of this, their behavior should be of a particular insighftul and well-modulated character:
“My kids had mean parents instead of always understanding and perfectly appropriate parents. …[They’re] not going to be forever damaged somehow because I acted like a human being. “
“It’s okay if [my husband] wants to make observations about people, but if I do, I’m therapizing! I…get angry…and respond to him in a very human way, and he’ll say, “And you’re a therapist?!””
Therapists had a wide variety of responses to family members who held high expectations for their behavior and criticized them when they didn't meet these expectations.
MFTs whose identity as therapist seemed to loom large on the horizon for them and they seemed unable to move away from this identity. Rather, their family conceptualizations and interactions were described in theoretical and clinical terms. They seemed proud that they could somehow practice their art with family members:
:I think my own knowledge gives me a real peace with my own family…that I can look at them and know which ones to leave alone and which ones to work on them, with them.”
“…my brother [said], “We’ve been seeing a therapist and you did more in three days than he’s done in the last year.” that’s why I feel good about what I’m doing…this is a very collaborative process consultation.”
This latter statement was shared whilst the speaker crossed her eyes at me to emphasize key points she was making. I was utterly taken aback. I hope she doesn't do that with her clients!
Amd so my analysis continued on. I'll say more about it in the next post.
November 15, 2010
Therapists I
How do family therapists negotiate their relationships with their own families?
What do family therapists do when their families ask for professional opinions, or when they see their family members make choices or manifest behaviors that will probably have negative repercussions? How do family therapists figure out how to respond to family requests for professional opinions or therapeutic advice, even though the law in every state stipulates that therapists do not maintain dual relationships (ie., provide therapy to people with whom they have friendships or to whom they are related)?
These are questions that I have had for a long time and that I tried to find answers for through research interviews. In order to get these answers, I interviewed 15 practicing family therapists and analyzed their responses. The results came together in the most interesting ways.
In order to come to an understanding of the way that therapists negotiate their family requests, all of the interviews were recorded and transcribed. Themes that were recurring were coded and subthemes were identified. I'll explain what I found by quoting the research participants. Their comments illustrate the major findings from the study and I will explain these over the next couple posts. A word that came up over and over in the participants' remarks was Therapize so I named my developing research article, Don't Therapize Me! Family Therapists as Family Members. Here is what I found:
Marriage and family therapists (MFTs) reported distinct ways that they responded to family requests for professional input.
1. Some therapists gave overt advice to their family members and friends:
“I find that my family comes to me with a lot of questions…I’ve been able to help with a diagnosis or two. A lot of the interventions that we use with our children are…kind of strategic" (strategic family therapy--a clearly delineated approach).
“There are times when [my wife] really does need some direction from me. I’ll just take over, and now... "I’m not your son or your husband. I’m…in charge here, so let’s do this.”"
“[my sister] called me for some just brotherly advice, which really became professional advice from a brotherly person.”
These MFTs didn't appear to think twice about giving professional opinions regardless of the law or professional ethics. Compare this with the individuals who opted to give covert advice to family and friends:
“I mean, there are some little things I’ll do but …people won’t know that I’m “doin’ them” therapeutically.” (This gave me the creeps!)
“I’m not nearly as obvious that I’m therapizing” with reflective listening. I’m a little more covert, when I’m parenting or rephrasing…When I’m therapizing I’m probably not as verbal, …and in regular conversation I have a tendency—I can interrupt sometimes.”
“We might give a book that we found so helpful.”
So obviously, therapists in this group decided that they should give some help to family members but didn't feel right doing it outright. Perhaps they were "just being helpful" vs. "therapizing." That certainly seemed to be what they thought they were doing.
Then we have individuals who flatly refused to provide any insight, advice, or discussion about issues that might provide useful to family members or friends:
“I could save my kids some grief and heartache probably by directing them in a different way, but I don’t do that.“
“ …I am a firm believer from doing years of therapy that … it’s more damaging to try to help them when they don’t want to be helped. So you just have to figure out how to live with the pain, which is a lot of what life is: figuring out how to live with the pain.” This last comment was particularly poignant and the man's gaze lingered on me for a long time. "You know what I mean, don't you?" he asked.
The fourth group of therapists were your everyday people whose relational style with their family members was without therapeutic overlay. Their focus was on just playing the role of a brother, sister, mother, or father:
“I would say, as your brother who loves you and is concerned about you, do you know what you’re doing?”
“So my children…sometimes ask me what I think about things…I have to keep it simple and only talk about what they ask. If I give my reasoning process or what I think is the background on the issue, it’s “Ma, you’re therapizing!”” This latter form of relating to family strikes me as the more healthy and the least disruptive for everyone involved, regardless of the way the therapists think or the insight they have.
Are therapists able to turn off their brain and just be average people? I'll talk more about this in the next post.
What do family therapists do when their families ask for professional opinions, or when they see their family members make choices or manifest behaviors that will probably have negative repercussions? How do family therapists figure out how to respond to family requests for professional opinions or therapeutic advice, even though the law in every state stipulates that therapists do not maintain dual relationships (ie., provide therapy to people with whom they have friendships or to whom they are related)?
These are questions that I have had for a long time and that I tried to find answers for through research interviews. In order to get these answers, I interviewed 15 practicing family therapists and analyzed their responses. The results came together in the most interesting ways.
In order to come to an understanding of the way that therapists negotiate their family requests, all of the interviews were recorded and transcribed. Themes that were recurring were coded and subthemes were identified. I'll explain what I found by quoting the research participants. Their comments illustrate the major findings from the study and I will explain these over the next couple posts. A word that came up over and over in the participants' remarks was Therapize so I named my developing research article, Don't Therapize Me! Family Therapists as Family Members. Here is what I found:
Marriage and family therapists (MFTs) reported distinct ways that they responded to family requests for professional input.
1. Some therapists gave overt advice to their family members and friends:
“I find that my family comes to me with a lot of questions…I’ve been able to help with a diagnosis or two. A lot of the interventions that we use with our children are…kind of strategic" (strategic family therapy--a clearly delineated approach).
“There are times when [my wife] really does need some direction from me. I’ll just take over, and now... "I’m not your son or your husband. I’m…in charge here, so let’s do this.”"
“[my sister] called me for some just brotherly advice, which really became professional advice from a brotherly person.”
These MFTs didn't appear to think twice about giving professional opinions regardless of the law or professional ethics. Compare this with the individuals who opted to give covert advice to family and friends:
“I mean, there are some little things I’ll do but …people won’t know that I’m “doin’ them” therapeutically.” (This gave me the creeps!)
“I’m not nearly as obvious that I’m therapizing” with reflective listening. I’m a little more covert, when I’m parenting or rephrasing…When I’m therapizing I’m probably not as verbal, …and in regular conversation I have a tendency—I can interrupt sometimes.”
“We might give a book that we found so helpful.”
So obviously, therapists in this group decided that they should give some help to family members but didn't feel right doing it outright. Perhaps they were "just being helpful" vs. "therapizing." That certainly seemed to be what they thought they were doing.
Then we have individuals who flatly refused to provide any insight, advice, or discussion about issues that might provide useful to family members or friends:
“I could save my kids some grief and heartache probably by directing them in a different way, but I don’t do that.“
“ …I am a firm believer from doing years of therapy that … it’s more damaging to try to help them when they don’t want to be helped. So you just have to figure out how to live with the pain, which is a lot of what life is: figuring out how to live with the pain.” This last comment was particularly poignant and the man's gaze lingered on me for a long time. "You know what I mean, don't you?" he asked.
The fourth group of therapists were your everyday people whose relational style with their family members was without therapeutic overlay. Their focus was on just playing the role of a brother, sister, mother, or father:
“I would say, as your brother who loves you and is concerned about you, do you know what you’re doing?”
“So my children…sometimes ask me what I think about things…I have to keep it simple and only talk about what they ask. If I give my reasoning process or what I think is the background on the issue, it’s “Ma, you’re therapizing!”” This latter form of relating to family strikes me as the more healthy and the least disruptive for everyone involved, regardless of the way the therapists think or the insight they have.
Are therapists able to turn off their brain and just be average people? I'll talk more about this in the next post.
November 14, 2010
God's Annointing
Yesterday evening we held an annointing service for Olga. I was taken aback when I saw her waiting outside the church office. Her belly is enormous--full of fluid that has collected because her liver is no longer able to function and her blood protein is therefore seriously depleted. She is beginning to look a bit jaundiced and she was breathing hard. I believe that her heart has become fibrous as well as her liver, since she has all the symptoms of heart failure. Her legs are enormous: fluid backed up that her heart can't pump through her body. But she has faith that she will survive.
In speaking with her and hearing how gravely ill she has been, I asked her if she had considered being annointed. The book of James (in the Bible) indicates that anyone who is sick should call together the elders of the church and be annointed with oil in the name of the Lord. "And the prayer of faith shall raise up the sick and they shall be healed." And their sins will be forgiven them. Olga had not considered this before, but four hours before I suggested it, her choir chaplain had spoken to her at length about it.
For days I have been reduced to tears when I think of Olga, struggling along, so sick, wishing she can live to see her grandchild grow. Her life has been one long continuous series of brick walls that she has slowly ambled over or around, at great cost to herself. But she has never become hopeless, skeptical, or ill-natured. Olga's persona has been one of optimism, hope, cheerfulness, and kindness. I have been deeply impacted by her. So just the thought of her dying has been very hard to consider. And yet just to look at her one can see that her health is almost completely gone.
I have prayed for her recovery and for her peace of heart for many weeks now. As she suffers on, trying to negotiate a healthcare network that has a reputation for running patients around in circles and in general, being inefficient and more interested in cost than patients, I have been impressed at how she has pressed for what she needs. Olga has spent hours on the internet researching her condition, her medications, and the latest studies on treatment. Her doctors just look at her when she asks for changes in dosages or for various tests. "Everything about them says to me, "You're going to die, so why do we need to do this?"" she tells me. So Olga has been praying about how she should take care of herself. She tells me that she often wakes up in the morning thinking about a particular herb or vegetable that she should eat more of. In researching these items, she finds that they have medicinal qualities, and inevitably, she is greatly helped by eating them. For example, she was waking up covered in blood from nosebleeds--a common endstage symptom of liver disease. Her platelets had dropped to the point where she could bleed to death. But she felt impressed to start taking honey and something she calls Propoli--bee pollen. Within a week all her bleeding stopped and her platelets had improved dramatically on her weekly blood draw. Additionally, after taking a particular herb tea, she could breathe easier and she was able to eat three meals in a day--something she hadn't been able to do before due to belly pain and a sense of fullness.
We met at the church yesterday at 4:00. There were 10 of us all together, all of whom shared with her how much she means to us, as a way to affirm and encourage her. Then we discussed what it means to be annointed with oil: it is a sign that we believe God can heal her, and that the Holy Spirit is present to heal physically, spiritually, emotionally, or in all these ways. God invites us to do this in James 5, so we can come boldly to God in faith, asking that He will heal Olga in whatever way He deems best. By looking at her it is clear that she will die within a short time without God's healing. And it might be that He will allow her to die rather than to live. But we have presented her to God by faith and have asked fervently that she will be healed--if this is God's will.
It seemed to be a very affirming and hopeful time for Olga. She tells me that she feels a flood of peace at least twice a day. "I feel that everything is going to be okay, and that i am going to be okay," she says. She told me that she once had a very vivid dream soon after she was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. In this dream she was given the news that she had this dreaded disease. She looked straight into the face of the person who gave the news and said she was going to fight this and that she felt that she could. Olga said that she felt someone else was standing by when she said this and that she couldn't be sure but that it was a heavenly person: an angel or God. When she said she was going to fight the illness she said she felt the immediate and very strong sense of approval from this person in her dream. This seemed to her to mean that she would be able to overcome the disease. Her faith has not flagged since then.
I know God can heal people miraculously, and it is my fervent hope that He will do this for Olga. Over the years I have worked in ICU as a nurse, I have also seen many people with strong faith that they will survive, die. From a human standpoint, her case is hopeless. But we do not know what God's will is for her life. He didn't choose to heal her outright yesterday. Perhaps her condition will improve slowly until she is back to normal health. There is some indication that God does this at times. For this, I pray.
So i am awake at 3:30 this morning, thinking what I might do were I the one dying. To whom would I send letters and what would I say? (I woke up dreaming this). I am also glad that Jesus said that if we have faith as big as a grain of mustard seed, He will cause great things to occur. I know that I have at least that much faith--faith enough to allow her to die or to survive. The annointing service was extremely difficult for me to participate in. I cried through the entire hour and a half experience. Olga's two sons were there, and although both have seemed to have lost an appreciation for God, both prayed and joined in with the service. I know Olga would happily die if her death could be the means of bringing her sons closer to God. I am continuing to pray for Olga day and night. If she is to die, we will bring her to live with us for her last days and give her a dignified death. if she is to live, my life will be incredibly impacted by this manifestation of God's power and grace. It is hard sometimes to allow God to have the last word when we want something so badly. But I am grateful that He invites us still, to ask Him for what we need and for what will be the best witness for Him. Please pray for Olga.
In speaking with her and hearing how gravely ill she has been, I asked her if she had considered being annointed. The book of James (in the Bible) indicates that anyone who is sick should call together the elders of the church and be annointed with oil in the name of the Lord. "And the prayer of faith shall raise up the sick and they shall be healed." And their sins will be forgiven them. Olga had not considered this before, but four hours before I suggested it, her choir chaplain had spoken to her at length about it.
For days I have been reduced to tears when I think of Olga, struggling along, so sick, wishing she can live to see her grandchild grow. Her life has been one long continuous series of brick walls that she has slowly ambled over or around, at great cost to herself. But she has never become hopeless, skeptical, or ill-natured. Olga's persona has been one of optimism, hope, cheerfulness, and kindness. I have been deeply impacted by her. So just the thought of her dying has been very hard to consider. And yet just to look at her one can see that her health is almost completely gone.
I have prayed for her recovery and for her peace of heart for many weeks now. As she suffers on, trying to negotiate a healthcare network that has a reputation for running patients around in circles and in general, being inefficient and more interested in cost than patients, I have been impressed at how she has pressed for what she needs. Olga has spent hours on the internet researching her condition, her medications, and the latest studies on treatment. Her doctors just look at her when she asks for changes in dosages or for various tests. "Everything about them says to me, "You're going to die, so why do we need to do this?"" she tells me. So Olga has been praying about how she should take care of herself. She tells me that she often wakes up in the morning thinking about a particular herb or vegetable that she should eat more of. In researching these items, she finds that they have medicinal qualities, and inevitably, she is greatly helped by eating them. For example, she was waking up covered in blood from nosebleeds--a common endstage symptom of liver disease. Her platelets had dropped to the point where she could bleed to death. But she felt impressed to start taking honey and something she calls Propoli--bee pollen. Within a week all her bleeding stopped and her platelets had improved dramatically on her weekly blood draw. Additionally, after taking a particular herb tea, she could breathe easier and she was able to eat three meals in a day--something she hadn't been able to do before due to belly pain and a sense of fullness.
We met at the church yesterday at 4:00. There were 10 of us all together, all of whom shared with her how much she means to us, as a way to affirm and encourage her. Then we discussed what it means to be annointed with oil: it is a sign that we believe God can heal her, and that the Holy Spirit is present to heal physically, spiritually, emotionally, or in all these ways. God invites us to do this in James 5, so we can come boldly to God in faith, asking that He will heal Olga in whatever way He deems best. By looking at her it is clear that she will die within a short time without God's healing. And it might be that He will allow her to die rather than to live. But we have presented her to God by faith and have asked fervently that she will be healed--if this is God's will.
It seemed to be a very affirming and hopeful time for Olga. She tells me that she feels a flood of peace at least twice a day. "I feel that everything is going to be okay, and that i am going to be okay," she says. She told me that she once had a very vivid dream soon after she was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. In this dream she was given the news that she had this dreaded disease. She looked straight into the face of the person who gave the news and said she was going to fight this and that she felt that she could. Olga said that she felt someone else was standing by when she said this and that she couldn't be sure but that it was a heavenly person: an angel or God. When she said she was going to fight the illness she said she felt the immediate and very strong sense of approval from this person in her dream. This seemed to her to mean that she would be able to overcome the disease. Her faith has not flagged since then.
I know God can heal people miraculously, and it is my fervent hope that He will do this for Olga. Over the years I have worked in ICU as a nurse, I have also seen many people with strong faith that they will survive, die. From a human standpoint, her case is hopeless. But we do not know what God's will is for her life. He didn't choose to heal her outright yesterday. Perhaps her condition will improve slowly until she is back to normal health. There is some indication that God does this at times. For this, I pray.
So i am awake at 3:30 this morning, thinking what I might do were I the one dying. To whom would I send letters and what would I say? (I woke up dreaming this). I am also glad that Jesus said that if we have faith as big as a grain of mustard seed, He will cause great things to occur. I know that I have at least that much faith--faith enough to allow her to die or to survive. The annointing service was extremely difficult for me to participate in. I cried through the entire hour and a half experience. Olga's two sons were there, and although both have seemed to have lost an appreciation for God, both prayed and joined in with the service. I know Olga would happily die if her death could be the means of bringing her sons closer to God. I am continuing to pray for Olga day and night. If she is to die, we will bring her to live with us for her last days and give her a dignified death. if she is to live, my life will be incredibly impacted by this manifestation of God's power and grace. It is hard sometimes to allow God to have the last word when we want something so badly. But I am grateful that He invites us still, to ask Him for what we need and for what will be the best witness for Him. Please pray for Olga.
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