Laban the Bully

Laban's sons became jealous and began a smear campaign by saying that Jacob had only gotten rich and prestigious because of Laban. This angered Laban and Jacob could see that "his face was not with him as before." Interesting. Lots of things show in people's faces, but as we get older we blunt our perceptions until we become stupidly incapable of seeing what is actually there.

It must have been pretty serious, because God told Jacob to get out of there and go home. God added to His injunction, "I am with you." It was a blessing and promise that God would protect Jacob. Everything would work out.

Genesis 31:4 says that Jacob called Leah and Rachel out into the field to consult with them about leaving. This leads me to believe that Jacob had had a chance meeting with Laban that was negative enough that he felt immediate changes were necessary. The women made an interesting observation in response to Jacob's query. "Haven't we become as strangers to our father since he sold us and utterly consumed our money?" I'm not sure about the ancient customs related to women and wills at that time, but clearly these women indicated that something was grossly wrong with the treatment they had received from their father. They verbalized that whatever Jacob had gained during his hire for Laban, they deserved. So they urged him to leave right away.
Laban went off to another town to shear his sheep. Jacob packed up his belongings, and Rachel went to her father's house and stole his teraphim--household gods of the time. And they rushed off toward Gilead.
After three days, someone told Laban that Jacob had left the area and was on his way back to his father's country. Laban followed in hot pursuit for seven days and caught up with him in the hill country of Gilead. I wonder what Laban planned to do? He was an older man chasing after a much younger man and his family--his own daughters and grandchildren. Apparently, he traveled with his relatives, with whom he hoped to coerce Jacob to return.
Laban had an interesting dream in which God told him not to do anything bad to Jacob. So he restrained himself from being violent, at least.
"What have you done?"
"You tricked me." (the pot calling the kettle black!)
"You have taken my daughters away like prisoners of war!" And he had sold them as though they were slaves, having little regard for them. This is what often happens with abusers: they are quick to accuse others of things that they themselves are guilty of. It is so guilt inducing that people immediately feel off-balance and back down. Then the abuser gets what s/he wants.

Laban does here what so many abusers do: boast about their intentions. He wanted to kiss his children and grandchildren goodbye, have a huge party and sing the old family songs together. He would have sent Jacob and his daughters off happily. This is what he said, however, his life with them proved otherwise.
I wonder what Jacob, Rachel, and Leah did when he made these statements. Perhaps they said nothing or looked disbelieving, because Laban continued with a bullying tone: "I could have hurt you, you know. If it weren't for God speaking directly to me about this--and I am as important as that--then I would have hurt you." This right after he said he wanted to give them a party. Why would a person even suggest such a thing? Again--typical of an abuser. If flattery or promises of grand things don't work, then threats and muscle flexing commence.

In the field of family violence studies, this behavior comes up again and again. There are several reasons for it. For starters, intermittant rewards are the most successful in gaining compliance. What does that mean? Just that if a person is a bully but sometimes appears not to be, their victims live in hope that they will just revert to the way they are supposed to be--the "good" non-bullying version. The victims see possibility in the allusions to good behavior and therefore comply in the hopes that it will come true. Of course it may, but then quickly reverts back to violence. This keeps a person in limbo and unable to adjust to the nasty behavior that most commonly occurs, or to get away.
Another reason these good comments come up about what an abuser intends to do is because they are in denial that their behavior is unacceptable. They are fooling themselves into thinking that they really do the generous things they speak of. Their victims know otherwise.

When bullying and promises of good times are ignored, Laban becomes shaming and accusatory again. "Now you have run away. You wanted to go back to your father." Read here, "You wimp. You have left with your tail between your legs."

Jacob finally speaks up. He admits that he was fearful that Laban would take his wives away from him by force. That is an interesting comment--not one that would be made of someone trustworthy, warm, and protective, as father-in-laws are to be. He didn't trust Laban, and for good reason.