Gendered Conflict

Dr. Amy Sheldon, Professor of Communication at the University of Minnesota, once conducted an interesting study to answer that age old question: Do men and women communicate differently because they are taught to do so, or are the differences innate? The result is an article entitled, "Pickle fights: Gendered talk in preschool disputes" (Discourse Processes, 1990).
Dr. Sheldon turned loose groups of three-year-olds (of one gender at a time) into a playroom and videotaped their verbal exchanges. She paid close attention to the way the children spoke during conflict. In this playroom was a simulated kitchen, complete with a number of culinary items on a low table. All of the children wanted to play with a green, plastic pickle, and most of the conflict ensued after they spied it.
The little boys would make a grab for it, try to shrug off or block other boy's reaching hands, and angrily state things like, "Don't touch that!" "I want this!" "You can't have it!" There would typically be some sort of escalation that would end in physical altercation, boys yelling and shouting about what they wanted and why no one else should have what they wanted.
Sheldon called their type of communication Single Voice. Their comments contained one message without reference to anything else. "I want that!" There was no mistaking what they were trying to say or what their wishes were. Nothing else seemed to matter during conflict.

When the little girls swarmed into the playroom, they also wanted to play with the pickle. They would quickly move toward the table and most would place their hand tentatively on it while looking around at the other girls. Their comments were things like, "Now...if we want to be friends, we need to share." "Let's both play with it." and "We can all take turns. Can I go first?" Girl's statements had two components: a reference to the relationship, and a veiled statement of what they wanted or felt. Sheldon labeled this communication, Dual Discourse. Girl's desires were weighed against the impact on the relationship of stating them.

If you fast forward to adult age, you will often find these patterns of communication in couple conflict.
"I don't want your sister to spend Christmas with us again this year. Why do you keep asking me about it?"
"Honey, she is part of our family and even if we have trouble with her, we need to be sensitive to the fact that she is alone all the time."
"What does that mean?! Do you want her to be with us or not?"
"Why are you so upset?"
"Just say what you want. I don't care about her feelings of being alone. She is alone for obvious reasons."
"How can you be so insensitive about my sister?"

And so the argument begins to spiral out of control, both convinced the other is a hopelessly inarticulate communicator.

We still don't know if these communication patterns are the result of nature or nurture, but they are common in enough people as to be problematic. I certainly see these patterns in the therapy office with angry couples who can't hear one another any longer in their conflicts.

I suppose it's simplistic to say it this way, but men need to learn how to speak in Dual Discourse so their wives don't think of them as heartless brutes. Many women need to learn how to speak in Single Voice, because men can't figure out what they're talking about with all the references to relationships or feelings that get thrown in. We need to have facility in both types of communication, because there are times and places for each way of speaking.

Food for thought.

Always Growing

Etta, my 95-year-old friend who is confined to a chair for the most part, wants to learn how to use a computer. Because she can't do a great deal, a laptop seems a good idea. She can hold it on a board over her chair and search recipes for hours. She can watch televised programs on it. She can send emails and get messages from other people. Etta can read all about the pills she has been taking--all about the medical issues she has been dealing with.
She is still growing, God love her.

Last week, Sam and I went to Costco and priced laptops for her. I think we can find her a good deal in several places. She wants a printer and a rolling table to put everything on so she can print out all the recipes she will ask Jack to make. And cook them, he will.

Jack makes his own gluten steaks--at age 94. I can't make them at 48. He just asked me for the recipe of a caserole dish I took to them a couple weeks ago. He wants to add that to his repertoire. Etta loved it and suggested that he use a little more garlic in it than it calls for. He will do exactly that. Now if Jack has Etta firing recipes from the internet at him day and night, who knows what he will be able to produce?

Next week we will help Etta and Jack purchase their first laptop. They want to watch DVDs on it and save funny videos to the hard drive. I think we can help with that. And there is Etta, eager to learn, excited to do something new, and on the edge of a whole new world. I hope I am always as open to growth as she is. What an inspiration these dear people have been to me!