Wierd labels

For those of you who have ever had a colonoscopy, the name, GoLytely arouses fear and horror as little else can do. GoLytely is a medicated beverage that doesn't make you go lightly at all. To the contrary, it makes a person lose all but their immortal soul in a few hours. As I listened to thundering feet down the hall for most of last night, I wondered who the creative soul was who thought up this euphemistic label.

The advertising world has had a heyday with an unsuspecting public--one that they assume is as daft as to not realize they've been had. They charge virtual miracles resulting from unknown products; veritable entry into the world of ageless, consciousness-raising, advanced members of the race. Consider these bylines straight from product labels in my house:

Apply all over for volumes of attitude (I can assure you that volumes of attitude I did get--especially from bemused passersby whose glances told me that my hair had definitely made a statement that day.)

Restores natural suppleness and bounce. (I should bathe in this!)

Amazing radiance without gritty sensation. (Why would lipstick ever be gritty?)

For hair that's irresistably alluring to the eye and beautiful to the touch. (This concoction gave me one of the worst bad hair days I've ever had)

Makeup for lost time with our Micro Lift System. (This sounds like gym equipment, but it is on my makeup bottle).

Pearlized microparticles brighten the eyes and diffuse light... (wow!)

...whipped mousse formula... (this sounds like pudding--I should like to eat some)

And it goes on and on. Snake oil can be marketed colorfully to keep us coming back for more, always longing for something we don't have. It's all in the languaging of things.

Perhaps this is one reason why Jesus said, "But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil" (Matthew 5:37) and James reiterated this, "...let your yea be yea; and your nay, nay; lest ye fall into condemnation." (James 5:12).