100 Things About Me

(I saw this on another blogger's site and decided to see what I could come up with)

1. I’m 47 years old and feel like I’m 20.
2. I’m five years younger than my husband.
3. I’m 30 years younger than my mother.
4. I’m the third of four children.
5. I always wanted 10 siblings.
6. When in high school I told my mother I’d like to have 10 sons.
7. I’m a stepmother.
8. After watching “Sound of Music” I wanted to be a governess who turned into a stepmother.
9. I could have been a nun because I'm passionate about spirituality and service and I'm a hopeless introvert
10. I love being married.
11. I’ve lived in 25 different places (26 if you count college)
12. I dream of living in New England, in the country
13. Most of my young life was lived in the country
14. I took piano lessons for about three years
15. One piano recital was my first and last
16. I played French horn for six years in middle school and high school, and bass clarinet for a year in high school
17. I would be happy to lie down and die if I could only perform Verdi's Requiem as the mezzo soloist
18. My siblings and I had a four-part, mixed quartet and used to sing quite a bit
19. I used to tag along with my father’s traveling high school choir when I was very small
20. I was a voice major when I started college
21. I was a merciless prankster in college
22. I detest raisins and figs
23. Watching people brush their teeth can make me gag
24. I’m overweight
25. I think ill of people who swear
26. I’m in a mixed race marriage (although no onlooker would think this, and I don’t think of this often)
27. I’m the only one of four siblings who has not been divorced
28. I’ve crocheted over 45 afghans and love doing it when I have time
29. I’d like to learn how to quilt
30. Cooking and entertaining are favorite activities of mine
31. I love to sing arias from La Bohéme in the shower
32. My husband and I like to sing duets from time to time
33. I often purposely sing a hair off-key when singing congregational hymns with my sister, just because she can’t control her horrified response and it renders her unable to sing because she cracks up.
34. I dream of being able to build furniture
35. I love to remodel old houses
36. I assembled all of my new office furniture myself
37. I consider myself to be quite shy
38. I often forget that I have an advanced degree
39. I’m a good therapist
40. I'd like to have my own television show about family life and relationships
41. I love to preach sermons
42. Laughter is one of life’s miracles
43. I’ve never been a graceful person
44. Being known as a gracious person is one of my life goals
45. I’ve sung for President Ford
46. I’m on a lifestyle-eating plan to trim down and be healthier
47. I’ve taught social workers, therapists, nurses and doctors
48. I used to be an RN
49. My favorite kind of music is renaissance voice music: motets and madrigals
50. I wish I played the double bass in an orchestra, and hope to some day
51. I got married when I was 44 years old
52. I sustained scalding burns over 40% of my body when I was 17 months old
53. I used to sew all my own clothes
54. I have a good eye for design
55. I’m a very good stick person artist
56. I’m in my third year as a stepmother to three teenage girls
57. Using the Meyers-Briggs Temperament Inventory measures, I am an I/ENFP/J
58. My ISFP husband and I are blissfully married most of the time
59. Writing is a relaxing and rewarding pastime
60. I’m intolerant of incompetent leadership
61. I’ve lived in eight states
62. I’ve traveled to Europe eight times
63. I used to dream of operating an orphanage in Mexico
64. I would like to kayak over the Lewis & Clark route West
65. It would be terrific to hike the Pacific Rim Trail from top to bottom
66. I’ve climbed San Bernardino, San Gorgonio, Mt. Baldy, San Jacinto, Half Dome, El Capitan, and Whitney (twice)
67. I’d like to learn how to be a better conversationalist
68. There have been two times in my life when during prayer, I was afraid to open my eyes because it felt like God was sitting on the edge of my bed right next to me
69. I have experienced miracle after miracle in my life
70. I would like to write a Gestalt Therapy textbook
71. I’ve written a book on domestic violence
72. I’m scared of working with electrical things (wiring)
73. I can’t tolerate the feel of fingernail polish
74. I’ve always had an affinity for all things Jewish
75. I like the shape of my nose
76. My idea of a very bad time is being forced to endure the entire playing of Wagner’s operas, prolonged exposure to Kletzmer or Mariachi bands.
77. When I started studying therapy I read every assigned reading plus every therapy book I could get my hands on, for three years.
78. I appear very confident, so people falsely assume I’m competent
79. I would love to be a concert pianist
80. I’m a good story teller
81. I’m fascinated by people from other lands, other cultures and backgrounds
82. I have no desire to travel in Asian countries
83. I almost adopted a child from another country
84. I wish I were closer to my brothers
85. I once heard a woman being raped in a van and was so naïve that I did nothing about it
86. As a nurse I have cared for two internationally known personalities
87. If I had my druthers, I would be independently wealthy and live the life of an eternal student, with private tutors here and abroad
88. I’ve never been able to stand on my head without feeling like I’d pop an aneurysm
89. Many people (particularly students) are intimidated by me before they get to know me
90. My cousin Linda, has been like a big sister to me
91. I’ve promised my nephew that we will kayak for a week in the Boundary Waters within the next couple years
92. I love people but being around them for prolonged periods of time makes me feel utterly exhausted
93. Sometimes I feel like I have Alzheimer’s because my memory is horrible
94. My mathematical skills are pathetic (I’m certain I have a math disability)
95. I have always felt very close to God, even as a very small child
96. I love to wash dishes by hand—and they smell so much better than if they’re washed in the dishwasher!
97. My trousers unexpectedly dropped clear to the ground once, as I stood at the edge of the freeway.
98. I have a wonderful network of friends
99. I've watched many, many people die
100.I never expected to be this happy in life

Crass

( Onslow, from the BBC production, Keeping Up Appearances)

Uncouth people drive me nuts. People without manners, or who are so oblivious to social convention that they stand out like a sore thumb--and when this is pointed out, no matter. There is something to be said for propriety, and I would like to say it. (Beware, here comes a harrangue!)

I recall eating lunch with someone a few years ago who continually belched loudly with his mouth open, looking straight at my face to get a response. He was in my home, at my table, eating a meal I had prepared for him. He was a weekly visitor--a relative who frequently found his way to my house because he had no other place to go. There he'd sit, smacking his greasy lips together, belching, laughing with his mouth so wide that one could see half-chewed food inside. He was soon not welcome.

Today I ate lunch with someone who asked if it was acceptable to each quiche with one's hands. I don't know where the parents were during the childrearing years of this child, that this information was somehow overlooked. I was horrified and shot a look like a dagger. I confess, I have no patience with poor table manners, particularly when poor manners are touted as preferable to acceptable etiquette.

(Jethro Bodeen from the "Beverly Hillbillies")

When I left home at the age of 21, I had a basic knowledge of proper table conduct: don't chew with your mouth open' wipe your lips on your napkin before you take a drink so you don't leave mouth prints on the glass; use the salad fork for the first course/salad; don't yawn at the table; cover your mouth if you laugh aloud; don't smack your lips; take your soup from the side of the bowl; don't swish your drink through your teeth to clean them; and don't dunk your bread in your milk. That was a good start for proper table manners in America, 1970.

Our family was given specific instructions in table manners by mother. Many were the agonized expressions we saw cross her face as we slurped our soup or played "Lookie, Lookie!" with our siblings. Elbows on the table were fair game for a jab from my father's fork. Belching was not permitted at the table unless, of course, if was my father's hiccup-type accidental burp (he has been heard belching entire words: "Wheeeeeeateeeena!" or, "Ripity-bip-de-bip!" that caused no end of mirth.)

Of particular concern was the way we interacted with hosts and hostesses when invited out to eat in the homes of other families. We were always to compliment the cook on something: the flavor of the greens, the crispness of the salad, the delicious entre. If the meal was a bust, we were taught to compliment the hostess on the attractiveness of the table, or the colorful meal. Anything--just don't fail to compliment the hosts.

We were once invited to have dinner with an older couple originally from the Ukraine. I don't recall recognizing one thing on my plate that day: bitter, unfamiliar foods do not bode well with children. But we had been taught to eat what was put before us, so we dutifully fell to. As if to add insult to injury, at the end of the meal we were served large mugs of tea, the flavor of which nearly made our lives pass before us. While the three older children grimaced and with watering eyes politely sipped this beverage, the youngest sibling charmed us all into looking out the window for some reason. As we turned in our chairs, he upended the sugar bowl into his tea and stirred vigorously. His tea became as thick as syrrup. The hostess was delighted to see him cheerfully drinking from his mug. It was the only bright spot in that meal, unfortunately.

I complimented our hostess on her beautiful table. My sister told her that she loved how our meal had been served in courses. That left my older brother with the "colorful meal" compliment. But the youngest brother had said nothing yet. We were keenly aware of this as we bundled up to leave the house later in the evening. We were hugged and kissed by these dear old folks as we started out the door. Then came baby brother. Our hostess placed both hands on his shoulders and looked sweetly down at him. He swallowed, and here came his requisite compliment: "Thank you for dinner. I liked the salt!" He said it in such a winsome way that she beamed at him. I don't know if she fully understood the import of what he was saying, but we certainly did. Mother winced and Daddy's eyes started to crinkle at the edges. We kids were mad that he could get away with that for a compliment!

"I like the salt" has become our family's code language to describe dishes or meals that we can hardly tolerate. We still eat everything put before us without complaint. My husband was taught the same thing in the same way. I think it was how things were to be done. So when I was faced with a meal of shrimp quesadillas and warm raisin salad, I turned off my brain and ate the quesadillas and dug around the raisins to eat most of the salad. It was miserable, but that's what propriety dictates.

Therefore, when I serve meals here and kids say things like, "Yuck! Can I have a PBJ?" or "I'm not going to eat this kind of food!" or "Whuffl tha psftch" (mouth too full to talk), I feel the hackles come up rather quickly. Perhaps I'm too close to the Great Depression generation, who impressed on us that we are fortunate to have a choice in what we put on the table. When manners were the only thing that distinguished a lady eating boiled potatoes from a common thug eating boiled potatoes.

I don't know exactly how to develop tolerance for crass behavior over the table. I suppose that I could admonish myself to think of that long table in Heaven at which we shall all dine and be served by the Lord, and not be slurping, burping and laughing with our mouths open. Meanwhile, I hope for grace to model and teach where possible (without becoming exasperated).

Do not kill fly on forehead of friend with ax. (Chinese Proverb)

Whole story

There are times in this life when we can only see a teeney piece of the whole of life. It can be maddening. When we see only a glimpse of what is really going on in a situation, we can make incorrect assumptions and base our approach to things in a faulty way.

That's what happened to me a few weeks ago when I started my new job. I'd heard comments about a certain person (let's call him Gerard) from several sources--and they were remarks that were not positive. But I could easily see how they might be true. I trusted the people who told me things like, "Be careful how much you tell Gerard. He's something else!" and "Gerard has anger issues." Or, "Thank goodness you're here. Now you can fix the mess that Gerard made for the last several years." I was dumbstruck. I didn't even know Gerard and I already had a bad taste in my mouth.

I dutifully reported these remarks to my superior because these were trustworthy sources and I'd seen some of the behavior they indicated to me. I would be alarmed to give responsibilities to such individuals. It would not be a good thing, and other people could be harmed or our reputation as an institution could be undermined by his behavior. He is creative, warm, always out for the underdog, and as outspoken as the day is long. I feel as though I need to wear a helmet and seatbelt when I'm around him because I'm seldom prepared for what he'll say or do.

Well, I felt sorry for him. Imagine having the reputation he has! Every relationship he has is a mess. He will yell, threaten, villify, and turn friends into enemies. And he is clever, well-spoken, and a real genius when it comes to organizational know-how. But something was wrong and I wanted to know what was going on.

So I started to get acquainted with him. I invited him over to my office one afternoon just to chat. I spent two hours listening to him harrangue about everything from soup to nuts. He didn't like his job, he didn't like his car, he didn't like his shoes, he didn't like his staff, he didn't like my desk, he didn't like what people said to him, he didn't like how I combed my hair. I felt glued to my chair under the heat of his endless tirade. Then he launched into an exegesis about the biblical source of righteous indignation. He scarcely looked at me to see if I was listening. As I fought to keep my eyes from glazing over, I realized that my hands were balled up into fists. Deep breaths, relax. No one is dying here. And I watched his mouth move and his hands making emphatic movements while he leaned forward in his seat.

That was one eternal conversation. I couldn't get a word in edgewise, and I was all worked up just listening to him. Besides, he was talking of things about which I had considerable interest and there was no opportunity to weigh in on anything that was said.

That night I felt agitated and annoyed. What everyone said about Gerard is true. He's a pain in the neck. I've never felt so invisible in my life--talked at, not talked to. But I couldn't sleep. Even with all of his rantings, there was just enough hint of eagerness in his eyes that almost made me think that he wanted to connect with me in some way. So I decided to talk with him the next day about it--and to take over the conversation by storm if I had to, just to get air time.

I found him in the morning, standing by the drinking fountain in the office break room. He greeted me warmly and added, "It was good to talk with you yesterday."

"I wanted to talk to you about that." I saw him take a breath to reply, but if he got started again I knew I'd lose all opportunity to say anything for that conversation.

"I felt strange yesterday and I wanted to talk to you about it because I don't ever want to feel like I have to avoid you or not talk with you about things."

"Oh, no...I don't want that either. You see--"

"--so I just wanted to tell you that I really want to know what you think and I also need to have you hear me. I heard all about you and you never heard anything that I think about things--"

"--well, I--"

"--so," I interrupted, "I want to work something out so that you will listen to me and I will listen to you. It's not very even and it makes me resentful of you."

Gerard was quiet and looked down at his feet, embarassed. Then, like a little whisper, "Please don't be resentful."

"No, I don't want to be. That's why I'm talking to you about this right now. Gerard, I like you. I want to talk with you more. I want to know all about what you think because word on the street is that you have terrific ideas and are very smart about work things." He looked shocked. I continued, "In fact, you have some of the best interventions anyone around here has. But something happens so that it's hard to see those part of you. And I want to know more about that part of you." Gerard looked long and hard at me. I felt ridiculous all of a sudden. "Does that make sense?"

"Yes." His voice was low and he sighed. "There's stuff to tell you about that, but I don't know how to articulate it." He kicked at an imaginary ball on the floor and looked at me long and hard.

"I guess that....well....you see, I....." He sighed again. "I grew up in a family where my uncle and father debated politics all the time, especially on Saturday afternoons when they got together. It takes me awhile to get my thoughts together and I could never do it fast enough to add to their debates. So I stood by listening and looked like I didn't know anything. They used to tease me about being a say-nothing, know-nothing. And it really got to me. I hated that." His voice rose in pitch. "I may still be trying to join in their debates. So once I get going, I can't stop because I don't want to forget the things that I am thinking about. It comes out with an angry edge because I'm still stinging about what they said all those years."

The whole picture started to form in my mind. An outspoken man with an angry edge--still playing back to his uncle and father. Only, all of us had to pay for it now. "I want to hear what you say and I'm in no hurry. Just please, listen to me, too. I'm not your uncle."

"No," he laughed. "You're prettier." And he winked at me with very moist eyes.

It amazes me how many people spend years trying to right a wrong from the past, or repay someone from years ago by taking it out on their significant other(s). What we see--their unappealing behavior--is only a small piece of the puzzle. We can only see a slice of who they really are. Few of us have the luxury of finding out the whole story. When we do, so much more makes sense.

Striving

Have you ever read the law of retaliation in the Bible? It is one of those things that is easier to read about than to put into practice.

You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, do not resist one who is evil. ...I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you salute only your brethren, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matthew 5:38, 39, 43-48).

We learned today that our former landlord skimmed hundreds of dollars off the top of our rental deposit refund and sent us back about half of the amount that had been agreed upon when we signed on with them. We could have quickly moved on, had they charged us $100 or so to replace mini-blinds or something. They cited all sorts of problems with the condition in which we left the house and they charged us for carpet cleaning services, when it was the last thing we did before we left. We are stunned. The deposit was to have been refunded within 14 days, not the 10 weeks it took to get it to us. Phone calls were not returned, our previous documentation of problems with the rental were not taken into account. When we finally did receive the letter and see the paltry sum returned to us with the corresponding explanation we were, quite frankly, outraged.

As I thought about our financial loss this evening, I ironed the kitchen curtains with a vengence. Sam sputtered angrily at the computer, looking over state law and trying to find some recourse. The deposit refund had been earmarked for something important, which will not materialize now. We live in another state and even if we were to take these people to small claims court, the monetary gain would be gobbled up in travel and attorney's expenses. I was beside myself.

I hate feeling like my hands are tied, especially when faced with something so unfair. But I kept thinking about Jesus' words about blessing those who curse you and doing good to those who "despitefully use you." If I feel hateful toward those who are unfair to me, how am I any better than those who makes no profession of following God?

It's not always clear where to draw the line between being a doormat and gently standing up for oneself. I have always been what I consider a strong advocate for myself and the things I've been working toward. So to entertain the idea that I shouldn't fight for what is rightfully mine is foreign to my thinking. Certainly, being victimized in an abusive relationship would be a reason to get out and stop the abuse. Protecting oneself in those situations and preventing the abuser from harming others is always appropriate. But what of my current situation?

There is no threat of physical danger here, nothing to do to protect myself either. It is merely one of those annoying instances in which one person takes advantage of another. It reminds me of the time we lived in the Midwest and Sam paid a homeless man $100 to remove bushes in our back lot. He made off with the money and we spent hours hacking the bushes out ourselves. But our sentiment was, Shame on us for being taken, and we weren't that put out.

A few deep breaths and several hours of reflection later, I'm beginning to remember that the principles of the Kingdom of Heaven are so unlike anything we have on earth.
1. Salvation is given to us and we aren't to wear ourselves out trying to obtain it. We call on the name of God and trust Him to fulfill His word to us.
2. The Sabbath is given to us so we can rest--we aren't to strive with life every single day. We are to obey God and trust that He will make us productive and useful, even as we rest and divert our attention from business for 24 hours.
3. We lose our life to save it. By giving up our plans and accepting God's direction for our lives, we save our souls. Seems backward, but it's in the Bible.

Now here's another opportunity to trust God and relax, knowing that once again He will take care of whatever needs attending to.

No, I don't anticipate that the Lord will send disturbing dreams to our former landlord until they fork the rest of the deposit over to us. But I do expect God to teach me to wait on Him and to leave the results for Him to manage. It is consistent with the Biblical principle of giving up my druthers in order to gain what is truly important in this life. Because in the end, amassing possessions is not a critical factor in a successful Christian life. There are worse things than losing money. Insisting on living the earthly way comes to mind.

Wake up

Found here

It has always amazed me how I can be awakened out of a dead sleep by a realization that comes like a bolt out of the blue. It's usually something like, "If I don't put the mortgage payment in the morning mail we'll pay a late fee." I get out of bed and put the addressed envelope on the kitchen table where I'll see it in the morning. Crawling back into bed, I can't think of any reason why I should have awakened, or why the mortgage payment would have to come to mind. Especially if I was sound asleep.

How does this happen? Amazing.

This morning I woke up thinking about a meeting I was in yesterday. It was a meeting in which I was put on the spot. When I woke up, I was having clear, complete thoughts about what was said, even though it was 3:30 a.m. Just an instant before I had been blissfully snoring and unarousable.

As I lay in bed this morning, even though I kept mulling the whole experience over obsessively, I was reminded that this sudden waking is something that will occur to me again on a much more grand scale one day. I will go to "sleep" thinking one thing and awaken thinking something else--hearing Someone so much greater.

Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory." "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 15:51-57

Watch your mouth

Some people do not attempt to filter the expressions that show up on their face. It is not uncommon for them to look at others with utter contempt when they hear a sentence that doesn't make sense to them, or that irritates them to have to hear again. Their face says, "You idiot! How stupid can a person be to not even have any idea of what I'm talking about here?" When I receive looks like that, I want to fight, regardless of the content of the conversation or any other thing. Some expressions, if unfiltered, almost always breed hostility and distance.

John Gottman, founder of the "Love Lab" at the Gottman Institute in Seattle, has studied couple interactions for years. Because of his astute observations, he can watch a couple and predict within five minutes, whether or not they will get a divorce. He is 95% accurate. Sobering, isn't it? So what is he seeing that we don't see and that no one teaches couples who are contemplating marriage?

Using the imagery of the Apocalypse, Dr. Gottman names the "Four Horsemen" that herald divorce. People who use a "harsh startup" in their arguments have a poor prognosis for a lasting marriage. This refers to the way people introduce the topic they want to argue about. "Why can't you listen when people talk?" "Don't you dare tell me to do that!" (Even writing these things makes me wince). I remember hearing one woman saying, right in front of me, "For an educated man, I don't know how on earth you could do something so stupid!" We all feel exasperated at times, but why impugn the reputation of another, or annihilate someone else's reputation out of anger?

Edit yourself. This means to filter out what comes across your face and out of your mouth. Most of us don't even give a thought to the way we respond to those with whom we share an intimate relationship. A glare here, a look of contempt (which by the way, is another death knell according to Gottman), all these things make one's partner want to pick a fight just to vindicate oneself.

Teenagers are not taught how to save their relationships. I think that every young person should have a course called something like, "Real Relationships 101." It could be about how real dating is, what is realistic for a love relationship: very important, since so few kids are able to distinguish real love from what they see in movies or read in romance novels. Perhaps parents could model good, healthy fair fighting skills, and good communication skills, so that children could later contrast their relationships with what they have seen in their parents. But usually, we get so annoyed with our kids and spouses that we stop filtering what we say and do. Kids don't know the difference. Their typical eye-rolling and hateful looks at one another become crystalized into habits for life. And their marriages will simply not last. If they do, fighting and avoidance of emotional intimacy will be major themes.

Watch your mouth. Watch it. Look in the mirror to see what your face looks like when you say angry things. It's one thing to look angry. It's another to cast looks of contempt. Listen to yourself. A harsh startup, the inability to speak the angry truth in a clean, clear manner, being unable to repair an argument or give a time-out to think: all of these are dangerous. Learning these skills could save the marriages of you and of your children.

The Beautiful Hills

The view from Mt. Panther in the Adirondacks

I talked last night to a dear friend who is 83 years old. She is quite frail and spends most of her time sitting at her window looking up at the view of the beautiful hills in the distance. Although it was only 7:30, she was on her way to bed. Her voice gets very grainy and almost inaudible in the evening when she gets tired. She truly sounded exhausted even though she was happy to hear from me. In our convesation she told me that she didn't want to live much longer. It wasn't the first time that I heard her say this in the last two months. She really is ready to go to sleep one final time and it was sad to realize that the time is closer than I had hoped.

I think of my friend many times each day, looking up at the hills--the one thing that gives her tremendous peace. I pray that God will give her the rest she desires and the peace that she longs for when she looks up at the hills.

Oh the beautiful hills where the saints shall rest
When the Lord has made all things new;
Where we shall forget in the smiles of God
The trials we have journeyed through.
We have seen those hills in their brightness rise
By the eye of faith below;
And felt the thrill of immortal eyes
In the night of our darkest woe.

We dream of rest on the beautiful hills
Where the trav'ler shall thirst no more;
And we hear the hum of a thousand rills
That wander the green glens o'er.
We'll grasp the hands of the martyred ones,
Who have braved the world's rude strife,
And shout with them o'er the victory gained,
And the crown of immortal life.

Our arms are weak but we would not fling
To our feet this load of ours;
The winds of spring to the valleys sing
And the turf replies with flowers.
And thus we learn on our wintry way
That our Father rules as He wills;
And the breath of God on our souls will play
Til we reach those radiant hills.

Then sing of the beautiful hills
That rise from the evergreen shores;
Then sing of the beautiful hills
Where the weary shall toil no more.
(The Beautiful Hills by James G. Clark.
In Hymns and Tunes, 1888)

Who are you?

More letters to God here

Many of us love the Jesus we read about in the Bible. He is our friend and we can ask Him for anything--the Bible tells us so. He healed people, was kind to the marginalized, was demonstrative with children, and He thought out of the box. And yet, so many people didn't like things about Him. They loved His miracles, but didn't particularly like the new order that He represented. He was friends with all the people who had been cast off by the good folks of the day: prostitutes, tax collectors (read, swindlers), and even women. As far as someone to relate to, He was probably the most magnetic personality ever seen on this planet. People could hardly resist Him. But when it came to recognizing Him as the Lord of all life, the Son of God, that was quite another story. The Person and the Position were not equally welcomed or recognized.

Probably some sort of intuitive thought about this has crossed my mind before, but I've never articulated it. Until this week when I found that my person and position are in quite different camps of acceptance, I have been baffled by the firestorm that has accompanied some of my comments in meetings, or the ideas I've presented. Yet outside of those settings, I am met with open arms. There are times when I speak from the role which I hold in my organization in which I have to remind myself that the responses that I receive are not about me, Barbara. They are about me, the director, the new lightning rod. Quite frankly, I find it rather difficult to keep these things separate in my head. I suppose that very good, experienced administrators are able to do this. I'm struggling with it.

I suppose that I am not a monolithic entity, nor is anyone else. We see people for the emotional qualities they have that compliment us or fill some need of our own. We have much more difficulty in recognizing the role or position of that individual as we relate to them.

One of the things that we therapists help people with is this very thing: distinguishing the content of friendships from the process of the relationship. In other words, identifying what the friendship gives a person at face value (companionship, a laughing partner, someone to think aloud with, or to get a reality check from) versus understanding how to relate to the position that individual holds in one's life (a rescuer, support, a triangulated individual, etc.).

Looking up at the sky on my walk this morning, I began thinking about the difference of person and position as it relates to God. It seems that most of my attraction for God is about who He appeared to be when seen through the life of Jesus Christ. But I seldom think about the position of God: the fact that He is the highest level of power in the universe, or that He got the world started in the first place, or that He is the force behind my heart beating every second.

There is a potential problem here. If I only think of God as some sort of invisible friend to whom I can talk at any time, He will take on characteristics of my making. I will begin to take the power and create Him as I see fit. This is seen in all sorts of churches where people say things that put God in a one-down position: declarative things one would never, ever say to a human prelate or ruler. But if I think of God only as some type of impersonal heavenly powerhouse, there will be very little motivation to know or interact with Him through prayerful conversation.

I think it was God's idea to let us know the warm, appealing person of God in the life of Jesus, then to show us the position of God later so we wouldn't be scared of Him. For many people, it's been just the opposite, due to the way they were raised or what they were taught in Sunday school.

I love the story that comes from my religious tradition: A little old lady used to go into the vineyards of St. Helena and visit with the workers. She would take them something to drink and ask about their wives and children. She always had a cheerful, kind word for them. Many times, she told them that God loved them. So they thought of her as the little old lady who loved God. She was delightful company and they looked forward to her frequent visits. When they learned that she had died, they went to her funeral, only to find out that she had written lots of books, was a world traveler, and had been instrumental in establishing a new denomination. They would not have had any interest in her had they learned about her position before they knew her person.

...he that hath seen me hath seen the Father. John 14:9

Acid flood

Picture taken from here

Today I learned again what it feels like to be in the middle of a flood of verbal turmoil. Adults who are angry, feel unfaired against, and who are trying their best to look after their best interests, all wrangling about in an enclosed, small space. The undertone was emotionally charged and at times, hostile. Being a person who doesn't like conflict, I felt like a caged animal, incapacitated and unable to get away. Old history rehashed and dire prophecies made about the future. At one point I fantasized about jumping up and leaving, but this was a situation from which I could not flee.

It is interesting to me, how God's peace and the knowledge of being in His will can hold and support one during such times. The comments I choked out, that seemed to nearly strangle me as I spoke, and that heightened everyone's anxiety for the moment, was where I found God today.

There's no great lesson here. Only that the power of force, volume, vitriol--none of these things can overcome the protection and peace that God can provide. Thank you, God.

When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Lord will raise up a standard against him. (Isaiah 59:19).

Embrazio

Sam is Puerto Rican. So everyone who comes into our house gets hugged either as they arrive or leave. It doesn't matter who they are, they still get a hug: my friends, colleagues, dinner guests--that's what happens. Sam feels that people don't touch enough and could stand to be much closer.

When we were first married I was eager to invite my colleagues over for a meal. They were either stuff-shirt types, who were probably used to eating at the best eateries, or redneck types, who viewed our furniture and paintings on the walls with awe. We happily milled around, eating a wonderful meal and chatting into the night. When it was time to say goodbye, Sam sprung into action. As the first man reached for his hand to shake, Sam pulled him into a back-slapping embrace. The man stood rigidly, arms dangling at his sides. No matter, Sam whopped him on the back and then reached for his wife. She got the hug and back patting too, only she seemed delighted. By the second couple, people seemed to be prepared for it and all was well for the most part. Foolishly, I was mortified and was concerned that my colleagues wouldn't think my husband was very refined, thus think less of me.

I opted not to comment on my wounded ego, but tried to intercept Sam next time we had company. This time, it was the deacon and his wife from church. Bernard was a crusty older man who probably had never hugged his own father. Diane, his wife, was surprised, but hugged Sam back when he reached for her. Bernard hung back, and then jutted his hand out toward Sam. I thought Bernard will pass out if Sam hugs him, but it didn't matter. Sam had already pulled him into a back-slapping embrace. Bernard stood stock still, as straight as a ramrod, his lips pulled taut in a thin line. There was no leaning into Sam or back slapping on his part. In a word, he was flabbergasted. I smiled wanly and saw them out.

No, I can't change Sam. I didn't marry him to change him. I have to learn how to live with someone who can make my friends and colleagues think negatively about me. I made this choice to marry Sam and now I need to adjust accordingly. So think all forty-something first-married women when it dawns on them that they are somewhat defined by the one they marry. I should be grateful that I even got married, and that the man I found is half-way normal. Especially when one sees who is out there for the taking! So I prayed for grace and kept on loving my husband. What a martyr.

About a week after my colleagues had come over for dinner, one of them stopped by my office to see me.
"How's Sam?" he asked.
"He's doing fine," I replied, bracing myself for a comment about the behavior that had left us both chagrinned.
"He's a wonderful man, Sam. So warm." His eyes misted. "You don't find that everyday."
I shook my head, mutely.
"You landed a great guy."
"Thank you. I think so."

That Saturday when we saw Bernard, he leaned into Sam, whopped him on the back and laughed nervously. Ever after, he sought Sam out for conversation. He and Diane became some of our dearest friends. Never did a visit go by without a hug, and Bernard initiated most of them.

I'd like to think I've learned a thing or two in life. Maybe grown up a bit.

People don't get touched enough. Many walk around with a bad case of skin hunger. There is something very attractive about people who live large and unapologetically. Their hearts show through. They are not bound up with notions of being appropriate. They are tuned into life. And I am all the richer for Sam and his hugs.