Whole story

There are times in this life when we can only see a teeney piece of the whole of life. It can be maddening. When we see only a glimpse of what is really going on in a situation, we can make incorrect assumptions and base our approach to things in a faulty way.

That's what happened to me a few weeks ago when I started my new job. I'd heard comments about a certain person (let's call him Gerard) from several sources--and they were remarks that were not positive. But I could easily see how they might be true. I trusted the people who told me things like, "Be careful how much you tell Gerard. He's something else!" and "Gerard has anger issues." Or, "Thank goodness you're here. Now you can fix the mess that Gerard made for the last several years." I was dumbstruck. I didn't even know Gerard and I already had a bad taste in my mouth.

I dutifully reported these remarks to my superior because these were trustworthy sources and I'd seen some of the behavior they indicated to me. I would be alarmed to give responsibilities to such individuals. It would not be a good thing, and other people could be harmed or our reputation as an institution could be undermined by his behavior. He is creative, warm, always out for the underdog, and as outspoken as the day is long. I feel as though I need to wear a helmet and seatbelt when I'm around him because I'm seldom prepared for what he'll say or do.

Well, I felt sorry for him. Imagine having the reputation he has! Every relationship he has is a mess. He will yell, threaten, villify, and turn friends into enemies. And he is clever, well-spoken, and a real genius when it comes to organizational know-how. But something was wrong and I wanted to know what was going on.

So I started to get acquainted with him. I invited him over to my office one afternoon just to chat. I spent two hours listening to him harrangue about everything from soup to nuts. He didn't like his job, he didn't like his car, he didn't like his shoes, he didn't like his staff, he didn't like my desk, he didn't like what people said to him, he didn't like how I combed my hair. I felt glued to my chair under the heat of his endless tirade. Then he launched into an exegesis about the biblical source of righteous indignation. He scarcely looked at me to see if I was listening. As I fought to keep my eyes from glazing over, I realized that my hands were balled up into fists. Deep breaths, relax. No one is dying here. And I watched his mouth move and his hands making emphatic movements while he leaned forward in his seat.

That was one eternal conversation. I couldn't get a word in edgewise, and I was all worked up just listening to him. Besides, he was talking of things about which I had considerable interest and there was no opportunity to weigh in on anything that was said.

That night I felt agitated and annoyed. What everyone said about Gerard is true. He's a pain in the neck. I've never felt so invisible in my life--talked at, not talked to. But I couldn't sleep. Even with all of his rantings, there was just enough hint of eagerness in his eyes that almost made me think that he wanted to connect with me in some way. So I decided to talk with him the next day about it--and to take over the conversation by storm if I had to, just to get air time.

I found him in the morning, standing by the drinking fountain in the office break room. He greeted me warmly and added, "It was good to talk with you yesterday."

"I wanted to talk to you about that." I saw him take a breath to reply, but if he got started again I knew I'd lose all opportunity to say anything for that conversation.

"I felt strange yesterday and I wanted to talk to you about it because I don't ever want to feel like I have to avoid you or not talk with you about things."

"Oh, no...I don't want that either. You see--"

"--so I just wanted to tell you that I really want to know what you think and I also need to have you hear me. I heard all about you and you never heard anything that I think about things--"

"--well, I--"

"--so," I interrupted, "I want to work something out so that you will listen to me and I will listen to you. It's not very even and it makes me resentful of you."

Gerard was quiet and looked down at his feet, embarassed. Then, like a little whisper, "Please don't be resentful."

"No, I don't want to be. That's why I'm talking to you about this right now. Gerard, I like you. I want to talk with you more. I want to know all about what you think because word on the street is that you have terrific ideas and are very smart about work things." He looked shocked. I continued, "In fact, you have some of the best interventions anyone around here has. But something happens so that it's hard to see those part of you. And I want to know more about that part of you." Gerard looked long and hard at me. I felt ridiculous all of a sudden. "Does that make sense?"

"Yes." His voice was low and he sighed. "There's stuff to tell you about that, but I don't know how to articulate it." He kicked at an imaginary ball on the floor and looked at me long and hard.

"I guess that....well....you see, I....." He sighed again. "I grew up in a family where my uncle and father debated politics all the time, especially on Saturday afternoons when they got together. It takes me awhile to get my thoughts together and I could never do it fast enough to add to their debates. So I stood by listening and looked like I didn't know anything. They used to tease me about being a say-nothing, know-nothing. And it really got to me. I hated that." His voice rose in pitch. "I may still be trying to join in their debates. So once I get going, I can't stop because I don't want to forget the things that I am thinking about. It comes out with an angry edge because I'm still stinging about what they said all those years."

The whole picture started to form in my mind. An outspoken man with an angry edge--still playing back to his uncle and father. Only, all of us had to pay for it now. "I want to hear what you say and I'm in no hurry. Just please, listen to me, too. I'm not your uncle."

"No," he laughed. "You're prettier." And he winked at me with very moist eyes.

It amazes me how many people spend years trying to right a wrong from the past, or repay someone from years ago by taking it out on their significant other(s). What we see--their unappealing behavior--is only a small piece of the puzzle. We can only see a slice of who they really are. Few of us have the luxury of finding out the whole story. When we do, so much more makes sense.