Watch your mouth

Some people do not attempt to filter the expressions that show up on their face. It is not uncommon for them to look at others with utter contempt when they hear a sentence that doesn't make sense to them, or that irritates them to have to hear again. Their face says, "You idiot! How stupid can a person be to not even have any idea of what I'm talking about here?" When I receive looks like that, I want to fight, regardless of the content of the conversation or any other thing. Some expressions, if unfiltered, almost always breed hostility and distance.

John Gottman, founder of the "Love Lab" at the Gottman Institute in Seattle, has studied couple interactions for years. Because of his astute observations, he can watch a couple and predict within five minutes, whether or not they will get a divorce. He is 95% accurate. Sobering, isn't it? So what is he seeing that we don't see and that no one teaches couples who are contemplating marriage?

Using the imagery of the Apocalypse, Dr. Gottman names the "Four Horsemen" that herald divorce. People who use a "harsh startup" in their arguments have a poor prognosis for a lasting marriage. This refers to the way people introduce the topic they want to argue about. "Why can't you listen when people talk?" "Don't you dare tell me to do that!" (Even writing these things makes me wince). I remember hearing one woman saying, right in front of me, "For an educated man, I don't know how on earth you could do something so stupid!" We all feel exasperated at times, but why impugn the reputation of another, or annihilate someone else's reputation out of anger?

Edit yourself. This means to filter out what comes across your face and out of your mouth. Most of us don't even give a thought to the way we respond to those with whom we share an intimate relationship. A glare here, a look of contempt (which by the way, is another death knell according to Gottman), all these things make one's partner want to pick a fight just to vindicate oneself.

Teenagers are not taught how to save their relationships. I think that every young person should have a course called something like, "Real Relationships 101." It could be about how real dating is, what is realistic for a love relationship: very important, since so few kids are able to distinguish real love from what they see in movies or read in romance novels. Perhaps parents could model good, healthy fair fighting skills, and good communication skills, so that children could later contrast their relationships with what they have seen in their parents. But usually, we get so annoyed with our kids and spouses that we stop filtering what we say and do. Kids don't know the difference. Their typical eye-rolling and hateful looks at one another become crystalized into habits for life. And their marriages will simply not last. If they do, fighting and avoidance of emotional intimacy will be major themes.

Watch your mouth. Watch it. Look in the mirror to see what your face looks like when you say angry things. It's one thing to look angry. It's another to cast looks of contempt. Listen to yourself. A harsh startup, the inability to speak the angry truth in a clean, clear manner, being unable to repair an argument or give a time-out to think: all of these are dangerous. Learning these skills could save the marriages of you and of your children.