Truth or Dare

There is a television program called "Moment of Truth" put out by the Fox Network. I don't know what twisted mind concocted this, but it seems like yet another opportunity to value money over relationships, decency, loyalty, and morality. And this from the network that touts "Family Values" and a markedly conservative agenda.
On this program, the television host asks one participant questions of increasing intensity which must be answered correctly in order to win money. A lie detector test is taken before the show so the veracity of the responses can be confirmed. People can make up to $500,000 for honestly answering difficult questions. The participant's significant others sit on the dais and the camera pans in on their horrified faces as they hear their beloved one admit horrible things.
"For $25,000, have you ever done anything with a coworker that you know would be upsetting to your husband?" The woman squirms in her seat and the husband stares at her with dread, one eyebrow raised. She looks down with a guilty grin playing at the corner of her mouth.
Of course, she did. She admits that she "made out" with a man at work. Her husband looks at her with veiled disgust. The crowd gasps aloud and begins applauding. Clapping for what? For the fact that a woman just admitted to the nation that her moral fiber is weak? No. Probably for the fact that getting money is more important than preserving the dignity of oneself and one's intimates. As the host declares into the camera, "More contestants are willing to say anything for $500,000!" He then appears to collect himself and move from being glib to pseudo-cautious: "We understand that at the end of the game, we get to go home, but you go back to your life with your family. Do you want to go on?"
The woman smiles broadly and after a long pause, says "Yes!"
The crowd roars. "For $100,000, have you ever regretted getting back together with your husband?" Her husband is aghast and the crowd again makes an excited collective "Whoa!" sound. The camera pans over the faces of her good friends who are sitting across from her, looking ill.
The woman takes a deep breath and quickly says, "Yes" in a way that tells the observers that she had to give the correct answer before she changed her mind.
Finally, the host asks her, "For $100,000, have you ever (his voice emphasizes the word) regretted that you were with your husband?"
Now the husband looks sick. He puts his head down and his hand over his face. She smiles guiltily and the audience starts to fidget. "I need your answer, please," the host prompts. Her mother and friends facial expressions are saying loudly, You're in trouble now!
She squeaks out, "No." She looks at her husband as if to reassure him, but her eyes have lost their sparkle. She has clearly lied. This is verified by the woman's voice on the overhead microphone: "And that answer is....false."
That means the woman has lost all of the money and is going home empty-handed. After doing an emotional striptease in front of the whole country, she is also going home with destroyed relationships.
What is wrong with us that we as a nation think this is acceptable behavior? Why would we want to showcase people who would betray themselves for money? For whom money is more important than their relationships? Do they not realize what they are teaching youngsters who are watching such programming about truthtelling and the value of people who are close to us? Is everyone willing to sell out themselves to the highest bidder?

Rosenblatt and Wright wrote a very interesting paper that introduces the topic of "Shadow Realities." These are things that a couple know are present in the relationship but that instinctively do not discuss because of the potential for the destruction of the relationship. Every one of us has some sort of shadow reality: the thing you don't like about your spouse, the concern you have about a sibling's perspective, the reactivity of a parent. Behavioral scientists note that it is not necessary for therapists to identify or to bring all of these shadow realities into the light. One does not manifest emotional intelligence or maturity by uttering everything as it is, without filtering. Letting it all hang out is bad for heart health, in addition. But this idea of Shadow Realities is precisely what the writers at Fox have exploited.

Will we ever have programming that realistically depicts healthy relationships and communication (beside Super Nanny)? Probably not. It seems that humanity is pushing the envelope in ever new ways. Will the image of God in mankind be completely diminished before His return?
God help us.

Celebration!

Tonight I attended a party for one of my students who originally comes from Mexico. It was a marvelous gathering that consisted of my student, his family members, and his employers: the associate archbishop from the diocese of the largest county in the country and a couple church administrators. Someone had paid for a mariachi band to come and play. The singing and trumpets echoed down the neighborhood alley and people danced on the patio. Shrieks and aye-yi-yighs were deafening. Men surrounded the picnic table at the back of the house--they sang so loud that their neck veins stood out and their faces turned red. It was all happy, deafening music in Spanish. Women sang along at various points, swaying and clapping their hands. The dancing was a cross between flamenco and clogging. At one point they told me that they'd like to see me dance out on the patio. I would have liked to see that--it would be memorable to say the least!

My student just beamed when I walked up to the house. He met me with open arms and a kiss on the cheek, walking me inside with his arm through mine. I had forgotten how wonderful the warmth of Mexican hospitality could be. He couldn't get me food fast enough, or introduce me to the guests of honor quickly enough. Wouldn't I please have some of the cilantro chicken? How about salad? Wouldn't it be just the thing if I were to have cake and ice cream next? I had just eaten a large portion of home made tomato sauce with tortellini and salad at home so there wasn't any room left for another meal. But another meal was urged on me. I thought I'd just nibble a bit here and there. Nothing doing. The graduate and his wife hovered over me waiting for me to eat the next mouthful before putting a plate of fruit or piece of cake into my lap. I thought I might blow apart at the seams!

I fear that after an hour of yelling above the singing and dancing, and filling my face, I feel like Humpty-Dumpty. I certainly look like him tonight. It will be a long night since I can't imagine trying to sleep in this condition! But the happiness of my student, who was so thrilled that one of his teachers came to his surprise party, was worth the rotundity (is that a word) that the evening promoted. Now that school is out, I can walk miles and work off this meal. The glow of my student and his friends will not soon fade in my mind, and the happiness I felt as one of the honored guests was precious. Have I mentioned how much I love being a teacher?

Endings and Beginnings

Today was graduation and all my students publicly moved ahead to their next step in life: new jobs, home and family, further study, vacations, finally time with children. It was such a privilege to see the students walk down the aisle and get their diplomas--these whose lives I've been part of for the last two years. Some of these students are the first in their family to go on for a graduate degree. They have sat in my office and with tears coming down their faces admit that they're terrified of getting an advanced degree because they think they have to act different or speak differently, or that their families will be embarrassed of them in some way. And how are they to prove to their families that they are just the same as they always were? But we know that even though their love for their families will never change, they do change as people. So we've had these conversations that helps to socialize students into a professional identity. Today when their parents saw them in their regalia something changed.

This student's came to the U.S. only four years ago, speaking no English whatever. He is one of the most intelligent and gifted students I've ever had. He is beloved by all of his classmates, his employers and his beautiful family. Today on Father's Day, he had them all come to see him pass this milestone. In the fall he will be in my doctoral classes. I am bursting with pride.

Some students come from families who don't have much faith that they will do more than be able to survive adulthood. When you see someone who has tremendous potential and they don't see it, there is nothing like seeing it register on their face that you have faith in them. For awhile they look at you askance because they're unsure your judgment can be trusted. As it dawns on them that you're serious and you know what you're talking about, something happens to them. Slowly they start paying more attention in class, ask more direct questions, and in general, seem to find their own voices. When they turn to look straight at you as they get their diploma, that knowing look speaks volumes.

This is the son of one of my doctoral students--I told her to look ahead 20 years and think of him in his doctoral regalia. We all start somewhere. She brightened and took a deep breath. It's a very long walk.

Hand-me-downs

A very large box came in the mail today. The postage was over $38 and I wondered what in the world it could be. I am not having a birthday or any noteworthy event, so there was no way to predict what this could be. It was from my friend Lois, who recently moved to Orlando. Inside was a note:

Dear Barbara,

Please accept this in the spirit in which it is intended. In my early life I benefitted from clothes that were handed down to me from my cousin. It was like Christmas when Mom brought me a bag of my cousin's things because suddenly I had a lot of new things. So because you are my friend, I want to pass along these things that I can't wear here in Orlando. I'm bigger than you are, but some of these things will fit and are still pretty new. Don't be afraid to pass along anything that you don't want or doesn't fit.

Have fun!

Lois

I did have fun. There were all sorts of casual shirts, capri pants, and a couple dresses that I can wear. The yellow silk and chartreuse jacket will move on tomorrow. But in the meantime, I'm feeling really blessed to have had such a wonderful time today, plowing through this box and making stacks of things for a couple people who are really in need of things and will look terrific in these clothes that will fit them.
It was a flood of old memories as I pulled things out, oohed and ahhhed, gasped and laughed. When we were kids, my cousins used to send us things they had outgrown. Their mother didn't sew all their clothes like ours did, so their store bought things made us feel really hip--whatever that was back then. It was fun to wear something different to class after being sent these clothes.

My run-around wardrobe grew today. I'm grateful for friends like Lois who understands that it's not just the comfort in knowing the person you give your hand-me-downs to, it's the wonderful feeling of knowing that someone else thought of you.
It was a delightful gift.
Thank you, Lois!

Are you in Sabbath Mode?

We have been out shopping for appliances for our new house. It has been fun--actually having a reason to look at every range, microwave, refrigerator, dishwasher. Yesterday, as we wandered through the appliances department in Sears, who is having a HUGE sale, we came across a similar, wonderful stove and decided that it is just right for us. Beside being white, it has five burners. That means I can cook up a storm. It is also on sale, which we like.
But we found out that it has something called "Sabbath mode." What on earth is that? I imagined that it had to do with Orthodox Jew's laws that forbid the lighting of fires or turning on of lights on the Sabbath. After some interesting reading, here is what I found out:

Typically, ovens automatically turn off after being run for 12 hours at a go. The Sabbath Mode overrides this and keeps going for as long as is needed, which for Orthodox Jews means that the food prepared on Friday can stay warm for up to 24 hours. Also, all beeps, digital readouts, and icons are suddenly invisible in Sabbath Mode. This keeps all the Jews happy and they can adjust the temperature of their ovens without knowing how much they are increasing it (no readout and thus no record of breaking the law); they can make food and keep it warm, and not be bothered by icons of flames, numbers, or any other thing that they make change by doing inappropriate work.

It seems to me to be the ultimate in legalistic adherence to dead rules. I've read somewhere that there were hundreds of laws about Sabbath observance when Jesus walked on this earth. That is why He got criticized by the Pharisees for "harvesting grain" on the Sabbath (rolling the heads of it in his hands and eating it as he walked through a field), telling someone to pick up their bed and carry it on the Sabbath (verboten), or even healed someone on the Sabbath (I have no idea what was wrong with this). These kinds of bogus laws called forth some of Jesus' most crisp comments about those who were careful to tithe the herbs they grew, but were oblivious to the most basic of human kindness and warmth toward others. The Sabbath, Jesus said, was about doing good, resting, meeting together--these things we can see from His example all through the gospels. It was not about measuring steps to see how far a Sabbath day's journey was, or a host of other things that detracted people from the very purpose of the Sabbath: to have 24 hours of guilt-free time to enjoy God and His creation.

Our new oven has Sabbath Mode. We are tickled by this, since we have grown up with the word Sabbath on our tongues since childhood; since we vowed to have a Sabbath home, and since Sabbath is our favorite day. But isn't it ironic that while our Sabbath gives us peace, rest, and fellowship, the Sabbath of Jewry seems to be ironclad in laws and rules? Perhaps I will think of this while I am cooking Sabbath meals on Sabbath, grateful that I don't need to use the Sabbath mode in order to be holy or accepted by God.

The Sabbath was made for man,

Not mane for the Sabbath.

Saturation

Found here

This is now the fifth day that has been relatively free of meetings and work. I can't make myself work. There are tons of things that need to be done and I have nothing left to give toward these things: two articles that are due in 15 days; a certificate proposal for the university council committee; policies galore; letters of recommendation for students. All I want to do is crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. Better yet, sit in the recliner and doze off and on whilst mindless television shows play. Or, just sit outside with the cat in the lawn chair and look at the sky.

I understand what burnout and fatigue is now, even if I love this job more than I thought anyone could love a job. I'm tired.

It probably doesn't help that I'm emotionally exhausted from the ups and downs of waiting to get our new house, or that both office and home are cramped unfriendly places. I was moved into a temporary office in December where I was to wait for two weeks for the social work faculty to move to their new building. Of course, I am still sitting in the midst of boxes and higgly-piggly bookshelves full of boxes and other odds and ends that I've had to pull out for use in a class. It is distressing to be in such a messy environment for this long. I'm told that I can have a different, more spacious office by the end of this month. We'll see.

Now I get to pack up the house. Have I mentioned that after moving 18 times since I turned 21, I hate packing? I love moving into a place, but moving out of a place is not fun.

But moving and messy living space aside, I feel as though my legs have been shot out from under me this last week. A student has sent me some inflammatory emails. She is friends with the student that I had such trouble with last quarter--wouldn't you know it! So the fight is on. The other day my Chair said, "Barbara, it is always something. You need to adjust that it is almost never calm and business as usual. Business as usual is the unexpected. The unexpected is business as usual." I'm starting to understand this at an experiential level. It is a far cry from the "Sage on the Stage" idea of teaching I held when I went into teaching. It's the tiring committees with the endless discussion of everything under the sun; of dealing with obstreperous students who are ungrateful for the quality of education they are fortunate to obtain from our faculty; the endless red tape involved with simple procedures. And yet, I am happiest at this job and in my life than I could have imagined.

It's the end of the year. My head is full. My plate is piled high with the writing, editing, online course design, and now moving, painting, and unpacking that will need to be done this summer. Perhaps I should go take that nap.

Found here

We just received a call from our realtor: We got our house! They counter-offered and we will formally accept it at 3:00 today--very minor issues that won't break us. Our only challenge now is to get the house inspected within five days, which is what their bank requires. (When we accompany them for the inspection, I will take our camera and snap some shots that can be uploaded here for you to see more of it). And they want another $150 earnest money. We are so thrilled that we don't know what to do with ourselves. Of course, we also have buyer's shock.
Thank you for riding this rollercoaster with us. I'm so very, very pleased!

Woo-hooo!!!!!!

Something Boring

Bob is soaking in the tub one morning and wife, Ann, comes to the door. "What do you want for breakfast, honey?"

He thinks a minute. Not being a chef himself, his repertoire of breakfast food menu items is somewhat circumscribed. "How about oatmeal?"

Ann draws back in horror. "Oatmeal! That's so boring!"

He chuckles. "Ok. Make anything you want." Bob was raised to eat anything put before him, and with nine siblings and a preacher father, he was happy to eat what was put before him.

He sinks back into the tub as he hears Ann rattling pans and rustling up something in the kitchen. It was a late breakfast--more like a brunch, so there was no hurry for him to get to the table.

When he went, there was some sort of vegetarian pattie in a sandwich on his plate. They said grace and he fell to. Ann took a bite and immediately put her sandwich down on her plate. Bob took a bite and thought to himself, "This is absolutely horrible!" But the texture was right, the look was right. It just tasted hideous. But being someone raised to clean his plate without any comment about the taste of the food, he finished off his sandwich, all the while chattering happily to Ann. As he finished up, he saw Ann's unfinished sandwich on her plate and the horrible thought crossed his mind that he might have to eat hers, too. Because in his way of thinking, it is not acceptable to waste food even if it does taste hideous.

Well, she in fact was not going to eat it. What to do? He could hardly get the taste of that pattie out of his mouth. Looking around, there sat Rufus, staring with that hangdog expression on his face. We can feed Ann's pattie to the dog! Out they went, Rufus scampering behind him, excited to have an unexpected between meals treat.

Bob put the sandwich down on the step out back for him. Rufus rushed forward eagerly, and with one sniff of the pattie, backed away immediately.

"Oh no," Ann said quietly. "It is bad."

What could have made it taste so horrible? she went over the ingredients that had gone into it. After much consideration, they made an interesting discovery. She had used peanut oil from an unmarked container that they had taken with them on a trip to California to fry these little dainties. She'd wondered why little tiny bubbles came out of the patties as they cooked.

What else is yellow and makes little bubbles?

Dish soap.

Hurray for the dish soap breakfast sandwich patties!

This morning, Bob is in the bathtub having a soak. Ann pops her head in the bathroom. "Honey, what do you want for breakfast?

"Something boring."

(Thanks to my cousin's gregarious husband for sharing this great story with me today).

Deep Breath

So, we are yet STILL waiting. Since the home we made an offer on is bank-owned, apparently they want to hold it open to see what else comes in before they accept an offer (like a higher offer than the highest that is made right now). It is maddening. We want this house so badly we can taste it--but we are still going out looking for on Sunday and Monday so we can have something lined up just in case.
Stay tuned.

Still waiting

We are still waiting to hear from our realtor if our offer has been accepted on this bank-owned home. It is soooo hard to hang in limbo! I have told my classes that if the phone rings I will be answering it because it could be our realtor. Now they are praying that we get this house, particularly since they know that we will be having them over at least one Friday night per month. We would also like to have an available bedroom/bathroom so we can host people who come here for cancer treatment at our regional medical center.

But God knows--and only He knows at this point.

I woke up with the song, "Oh Jesus I have promised" in my head. It is a bit of a dreary tune and I hope it is not a harbinger of events to come today. The gist of it is that I'll hold on no matter what comes. So today my prayer is that whatever happens regarding our house will honor God in some way. We have contingency plans if we don't get the house, but we still wait in hope. Perhaps this is what the Christian life is all about--waiting with the not-knowingness of it all.