This is an issue of personal ethics: we take care of our own. But how are MFTs to interact with family members if the law and professional ethics dictate that we avoid bringing our professional knowledge to bear in our families? Our ethical standards state that we should not (a) unduly influence others due to our professional viewpoints, (b) have dual relationships with those with whom we have therapeutic relationships (dual relationship refers to being a friend plus a therapist), or (c) telling people what they should do in a definitive way regarding life choices. So how does a family therapist interact with their family when they reflect on these ethical standards, yet feel the pull of their personal ethics that urges them to offer therapeutic help?
Some MFTs lean toward the professional ethical stance and exercise great care in the way they interact with their relatives:
“…from day one I’ve said, “No families, no friends,” and that’s how I’ve put it to [my family]. They’ve gotten to the point where none of them have asked anything of me for years in that way.”
“I think that people who analyze…or therapize, it gives them a sense of superiority, so it’s just “No!””
On the other end of the spectrum, those who are very concerned about the wellbeing of their family members had found ways to address their concerns without becoming their therapists:
“I can speak to woundedness… without doing therapy… not to be their therapist.”
“It’s not that I won’t do anything. I’ll say, based on my judgment, you need to deal with whatever burden you’re carrying…with a different person, and I’ll give you a list of names.”
These MFTs were able to flexibly interact with their family members without ignoring their dilemmas and without becoming their therapists. Yet they utilized their skills and knowledge to at least identify problems or attend to their loved ones by urging them to get help from someone else.
Another interesting dichotomy emerged from my analysis: MFTs either identified themselves first and foremost as a therapist, while others identified themselves as members of a family or community who just happened to be a therapist. They reflected on the surprise of others who seem to think that a therapist's experience is somehow different from everyone else's, and that because of this, their behavior should be of a particular insighftul and well-modulated character:
“My kids had mean parents instead of always understanding and perfectly appropriate parents. …[They’re] not going to be forever damaged somehow because I acted like a human being. “
“It’s okay if [my husband] wants to make observations about people, but if I do, I’m therapizing! I…get angry…and respond to him in a very human way, and he’ll say, “And you’re a therapist?!””
Therapists had a wide variety of responses to family members who held high expectations for their behavior and criticized them when they didn't meet these expectations.
MFTs whose identity as therapist seemed to loom large on the horizon for them and they seemed unable to move away from this identity. Rather, their family conceptualizations and interactions were described in theoretical and clinical terms. They seemed proud that they could somehow practice their art with family members:
:I think my own knowledge gives me a real peace with my own family…that I can look at them and know which ones to leave alone and which ones to work on them, with them.”
“…my brother [said], “We’ve been seeing a therapist and you did more in three days than he’s done in the last year.” that’s why I feel good about what I’m doing…this is a very collaborative process consultation.”
This latter statement was shared whilst the speaker crossed her eyes at me to emphasize key points she was making. I was utterly taken aback. I hope she doesn't do that with her clients!
Amd so my analysis continued on. I'll say more about it in the next post.
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