Stages of Love--Part II

Found here

Resentment is the next stage of marriage. Oh no, it doesn't come out of left field or shock partners when it does hit. There have been little indicators that they have differences and really don't care for some behaviors or comments of the other. But in the Dopamine-induced (pleasure hormone) haze of positive feelings that occurs in the Limerence phase and beyond, these objectionable things have been brushed aside, rationalized, idealized. But at some point, the glassy eyes of love give away to glares of resentment and shock.

You hear references to this in those quiet whispers that a woman makes to her best friend--often tearfully or angrily: "I can't believe that he never learned manners growing up. It drives me nuts." Or, "I've got to figure out how to get him to--(any of these:) lighten up, be more romantic, brush his teeth more often, stop embarassing me with his critical comments in public..." ad infinitum. Friends listen sympathetically, suggest that the couple go to counseling, and the humiliated complainer brings her comments to a rapid close. "We're not that bad!" But he's driving her crazy because suddenly, all she can see are his faults. And there are plenty.

Why on earth did I marry this guy? she will ask herself. What was I thinking? How will I live the rest of my adult life tied to someone with these faults? And she begins grieving the rest of her life that she will live out encumbered by this man whose parents didn't raise him right, who has more character flaws than she knew existed, and whose imperfections are a continual, rankling source of embarassment and frustration.

Maybe if I try to change him I won't be so miserable. Out come all the self-help books and magazine articles. How about a Marriage Encounter weekend (if she can trick him into going)? So women typically, are the ones who are working very hard to try to turn their husbands into someone that they thinks they will be happy with, and there are all sorts of ways to go about this. But the bottom line is that he doesn't change. Interestingly enough, she doesn't change, either. She keeps hammering away at him trying to get him to be more of this and less of that, and in the end, there is either escalating conflict, overt power plays on the side of one or the other, or an emotional standoff. This marriage is just not what I thought it would be.

Meanwhile, he is frustrated with her. Why can't she be sweet like my mother was? Why does she have to gain so much weight? Why doesn't she want sex more often like she used to? Why does she have to get on my back about everything? I just want to enjoy my life: keep the yard looking good, come home after work and watch the game. After all, he tells himself, I don't go out and carouse. Or maybe he has started to, since being at home is irritating--kids crying, upset wife. He begins to withdraw and take less of an interest in her. He tries to remain calm, but he finds himself being put off by some of the things she says and does. It becomes easy to start ordering her around, or saying snide things about her weight, or making fun of how she looks. Of course, this does not engender a more intimate relationship, either.

These are more extreme accounts of what can happen, culled from a clinical population at my job. But I have to say that just about every marriage experiences some of these symptoms. It just depends on how well they are able to communicate, how much they are invested in the relationship, and how much they love one another. It can also depend on their religious commitment to remaining in the marriage. A series of interesting studies done by David Olson at the University of Minnesota, indicate that couples who do not consider divorce an option because of their religious beliefs, have less satisfying relationships overall. This is not surprising. They answer to God, but not to each other. They may be close to God but not necessarily to each other.

The frenetic efforts to change one's partner starts in about year two and hit its zenith around year seven. You've heard of the rule of sevens in marriage (every seven years a marriage is at risk to break down). It's true, and this is the first hurdle.

It is hard work to negotiate the relationship at this point, and to do it in a way that isn't shaming, guilt-producing, or forceful. It is equally hard to look at oneself and realize that while your partner has flaws you didn't know about when you married them and you certainly don't like now, it's even harder to realize that your own flaws make you a real piece of work, too. By year seven, your partner has seen you at your emotional and physical worst: you've been caught redhanded in your worst behavior, you've been very sick and vomited in front of your partner, and shown him some of your unsavory disposition when you're upset.

There are a couple outcomes of the Resentment Phase. One is simply that one partner acquiesces to the other and their poor behavior, thinking that they are impossible to influence or change. John Gottman, a famous researcher on couples, points out that in marriages at this point and in which the man will not speak with his wife about her needs, or who will not listen to her feedback about his behavior, are headed for grave trouble. If they hold together as a couple, the wife will eventually become quite depressed and unmotivated in the marriage. Or they both retreat emotionally and begin to live in parallel worlds, no longer willingly admitting their partner. In other words, the door closes.

Other couples start an approach-avoidance dance meant to keep the other somewhat nearby, but not too close. The goal is to diminish emotional investment but maintain familiarity and the benefits that can be gained in the marriage. These are the couples that you see in restaurants who sit at the table and say nothing but "Pass the salt."

Some partners put their spouse in the doghouse, so to speak, and there is nothing that the spouse can do to get out.

The final outcome is typically divorce or a seriously devitalized marriage.

Yes, they continue to live together and there are times when they struggle doing so.

But we're still together, they say.

Let heaven and nature sing...

The positive outcome of the Resentment Stage occurs when both partners take stock of themselves and begin taking responsibility for the behaviors and traits that are problematic. And happy couples ride out the waves, committed to each other, but not blindly ignoring the challenges that they face. They are able to negotiate how to relate to each other. They remain committed to honesty, while embracing the humanity of each other. Both are committed to the happiness of the other and both recognize their own contributions to the resentment of the other. About half of couples come through the Resentment Phase without getting a divorce. But a much smaller percentage actually move beyond the behaviors and manage to actually enjoy each other. Just look at the married people sitting in restaurants together.

Those who do make it through are very happy to get to the next phase.