This is a picture of William and Claudia Ritchie, who were the oldest married couple in the world as of 2002. William was 104 and Claudia was 97. What sweet people--still holding hands and inclined toward one another. I would love to know what their secret for a happy marriage is for the 83 years they have been together.
Coming across their picture made me think about all of the steps and stages that a married couple goes through over the course of life. Many people don't realize that these stages are recursive: like a loop. I certainly didn't know this, as a young person growing up. When my friend, Connie, told me once that being married was like a "boring roller coaster," I was appalled and even prayed for her marriage. But in fact, she was probably more accurate than I realized. Being married isn't boring. However, a boring roller coaster is one that undulates but doesn't give you a huge adrenaline rush. It's somewhat predictable with just enough ups and downs to give variety to the ride. Yup. I think there is some truth to that. Connie told me that there were times when she was "gah-gah" about John, and other times that she almost felt indifferent about him for a few weeks. But she said that if she just stayed steady, she would get that in-love feeling once again. I thought it was very strange. But I think there was some degree of generalizability to her remarks.
Limerence is the first stage of love. It is the time when you first meet and for 6 to 18 months, there are head over heels feelings of being in love. When you meet that special person, it is hard to think of anyone or anything else. There is a rush of involuntary euphoria as the limerent individual obsesses and recalls every move, glance, touch of the object of affection. The pleasure centers in the brain are overactive and cause people to behave like they have a mental problem: hormones gunning and a desperate desire to be in the presence of the beloved at every opportunity. Very little gives reason for pause, because the object of affection is so wonderful, so delightful, so talented, so beautiful... You get the idea. It's hard to get someone to think objectively when they are in this state, which is why counselors find it very challenging to work with couples who are hellbent on getting married when every clinical indicator reveals that they will never last. If there are developmental processes at play--the feelings that teenagers have that they must create their own identity apart from that of their parents--being in love with someone who might not be the best for them becomes a statement of emerging personhood. Any attempt to talk them out of it only increases their resolve to be who they (think they) are in this heightened state of self.
Almost all of the depictions of love on television and in movies depicts limerance. The passion, romance and thrill is typical of limerence. It is held up before us as the great standard of perfect love: all is happiness and light. Most of the depictions of "old" married couples involve crotchety, miserable people who snipe at each other or who have become so sensitized to each other that they have a) no romance, b) no physical attraction for one another, or c) nothing interesting but their kids.
Most popular songs about love are written with this stage of love in mind: romance, emotional and physical attraction abounds. Consider this song by Celine Dion:
And in your eyes I see ribbons of color
I see us inside of each other
I feel my unconscious merge with yours
And I hear a voice say,
"What's his is hers"
I'm falling into you
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you
I was afraid to let you in here
Now I have learned love can't be made in fear
The walls begin to tumble down
And I can't even see the ground I'm falling into you
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you
Falling like a leaf, falling like a star
Finding a belief, falling where you are
Catch me, don't let me drop!
Love me, don't ever stop!
So close your eyes and let me kiss you
And while you sleep I will miss you
I'm falling into you
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you
Falling like a leaf, falling like a star
Finding a belief, falling where you are
Falling into you
Falling into you
Falling into you
It is all about getting closer. So close in fact, that there seems to be no more you or me--we're all one blur. For those in limerance, the feelings and prospects of a future with this marvelous person are so good that they wonder if it can all be real. In fact, the feelings are real, and the whole thing is wonderful beyond words. But this degree of emotional and physiological arousal can’t be sustained forever in the same form over time or else people would sizzle into vapor. We just can't take this for a long time, even though it is lovely. Which is why, you probably wouldn't find a person who was married for 30 years singing this with meaning. They've been there and done that, but the kind of love they have now, is about so much more than this.
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