How do I do that?

This week the director of a large network of mental health clinics called me to say that one of my students who had signed on with them for a start date next week, had resigned. By email. Oh my goodness. "I was truly disheartened and very surprised by this, Barbara." (Her hesitant tone of voice with a decided irritated edge said "That student's behavior is unbelieveably unprofessional and I hope it doesn't happen with any more of your students!.")

This director just happens to head the same group of clinics that we have tried unsuccessfully for years to get our students into for their practica--with a stipend for their work. This paperless resignation was not good. I've enjoyed a very good relationship with the director since she came here, so I wasn't bothered about what she'd think of me. But I did have some responsibility to let the student know that this is not acceptable behavior.

Because I know Jane--let's call her that--I can say that she does not have one malicious or irresponsible bone in her body. She is conscientious, thoughtful about her work, and networks very well. She has considerable skill in seeing an organization and all its pieces, how it works, what it needs. But in the one-to-one realm she is sometimes short-sighted and naive. She probably didn't understand the system that we were trying to break into because it is unlike any other mental health system that I know. But I had encouraged her to work there because she needs the exact kind of experience she can get in their clinics, and she has considerable natural talent that I have hoped she would develop her skills nicely there. I asked her if she felt she could manage their scheduling requirements. Oh yes, she could multi-task. I discussed how important it was to keep forward motion on her thesis and that it is a challenge to do so. Now that she had resigned--oh, and did I add--one week before orientation was to begin, I needed explain that to her and tell her that it is never acceptable to resign via email, and that she should immediately write a letter of apology and resignation, using the words "unprofessional conduct" so the director would see that she recognized her mistake.

So I shot off a quick email to Jane:

I learned yesterday that you resigned at the county, and that you did this via email.
I can certainly understand that you need more time for your thesis, but to resign from a position one week before the internship starts, and to do it by email, is really unacceptable. You could have done this without realizing the gravity of the situation, but it puts [our school] in a very bad light. We have struggled for some time to build a solid relationship with mental health agencies in our area, so the importance of positive, professional interactions with their personnel cannot be overstated. When an agency offers a state grant-funded position and it isn't filled, there is the possibility that they may lose that funding for the position. This particular system is also such that contracts are ironclad and the power hierarchy is revered: ie., the job begins July 1 on the beginning of the fiscal year, not in August, and not by an area supervisor's consent--only by the director of behavioral health. Many clinicians and educators do not understand [this system] and all the hierarchy, rules, and expectations, as it is a culture all its own. However, we must work within it and respect it in order to maintain a collaborative relationship.
I want to urge you strongly to immediately write a (paper) letter to [the director] and apologize for your unprofessional behavior and offer your written resignation.
I trust that you didn't understand the consequences of your actions, but I hope that this will be an important learning experience for you.
Thanks,
Barbara



This email unleashed World War III. I am now a hyper-critical, mean-spirited, intolerant, quick to denounce, unprofessional and unprotective individual who lashes out in anger when my reputation is theatened. I have the horrid emails to prove it. How could you scold me with such anger? Huh? I didn't have angry bone in my body about what she did. I was concerned, surprised, and curious about what had happened, and in a rush. And I knew she was naive and unclear, and that she often calls me to ask for advice about what to do. I was sure that when I saw her I would share with her what had been said, commiserate with her about how hard it is to write a thesis, and that would be the end of it. But now, after three other outraged emails from her which have not diminished in intensity, I am having to recuse myself from her thesis committee because I doubt she will be ever able to hear any feedback I give without feeling attacked or thinking I am out to get her.



Two weeks ago I received shocking, accusatory emails from a different student whom I asked for documentation from her doctor after she had been 30-40 minutes late to every class that quarter. The excuse she gave me covered from 9 - 12, for one month. She is apparently having some extensive dental work done. Problem is, my class took place at 4:30 p.m. and there was no excuse for this. Since I routinely drop students half a letter grade if they miss more than one class without an excuse, I called her doctor to ask if it was possible that there were other visits beside what was indicated on the slip. He asked for the students name and then said she had only one appointment that extended into the afternoon. So her excuse slip was virtually meaningless as it pertained to our class.

Now I understand HIPAA regulations (patient privacy laws) and that he violated them by giving me information that I did not ask for. But I did not set out to violate her privacy and it was not incumbent on me to maintain the doctor's practices of confidentiality. But you would not have believed the hostile, inflammatory emails that I received from this student: "I am angered--no, I am inflamed--that you would conspire to break a federal law and destroy the job of the helpless secretary who handed you off to the doctor..." blah, blah, blah.



Each time I receive these emails, I am shocked. My immediate internal response is, "How could I have been so horrible? How could I have been so offensive, so insensitve, so ignorant?"

After caving in to one student's unreasonable demands, and then stating the facts with the second student, I thought maybe I'd swing back to the middle and find wisdom about how to deal with furious, accusatory students who suddenly become adversarial when they get straight feedback. And yes, my feedback is direct and clear. Most students would reply with something like this:

Dear Dr. H,

I'm sorry I didn't consult with you first before I resigned, and I didn't realize how unprofessional it was to resign via email. Especially since all my communication with the director was by email. I'll get the letter written right away. Thank you for drawing this to my attention. Jane.

PS--are you angry at me?"



Most students are respectful in word and deed. They go out of their way to demonstrate appreciation for the extras I do: seeking them out after class, inquiring about their wellbeing, sending them resources for papers or articles that are in line with their research interests. A good number come to me when they are upset about something in our department or are having a spiritual or emotional struggle. I've prayed with many students, discussed their concerns about people, faculty, issues. And none of this has happened before.



It could be that word has spread from a couple disgruntled students whose feet I have held to the fire and students are on edge. Or it could be that my feedback is too direct. But then, I received extremely direct (blunt) feedback from my professors at the University of Minnesota and I was happy for it. I challenged one of them one time, and it was in a most tactful and one-down position you can imagine. I was assertive but did not attack or accuse. These emails from my students have a hit-and-run quality to them.

Our faculty had a long discussion at our last meeting about how students come after us nowadays. It has been shocking to all of us and we are setting about to create a strong, unified stance as a group about what professional interactions are. As we tell them when they start, "Your professional reputation starts here and now. You would do well to think about how you interact with each other and your professors."



This is an issue that is very, very important to me to resolve. I am very direct by nature: New Yorker, Italian heritage, family norms. You say what you mean and mean what you say. But it is always said with a twinkle in the eye or a warm expression. (Unfortunately, that can't be conveyed via email). Many youth today are not used to being held accountable by parents, teachers, employers, etc. It is as though we are afraid of being harsh or hurting kids--so we don't say anything to warn or educate them--which hurts them more in the long run. As I tell my students, "I will always listen and try to understand things from your point of view. But you need to understand this about me: You can always count on me to be respectful but not necessarily polite. I will tell you things you don't like to hear because it may not be polite to say what I will say to you--but this is more respectful in the long run." This to me, is part and parcel of being a professor, a parent, a pastor, an administrator.



Then there's the whole Christian part of this: if I know my words have hurt someone, do I need to apologize again, beyond the initial shocked apology I sent her? If I have already given these caveats and explained my modus operandi, and this has been a matter of open conversation, then to be blindsided by vicious, adversarial (not to mention disrespectful and immature) responses, is this something to apologize for? For example, if I were to speak to Stepdaughter about her sloppiness and tell her that it is not what I expect from her and that wet towels left over wooden furniture damages it and that it needs to stop and that she can do better than that--do I apologize for this? Is it wrong of me to say this as long as I don't add editorial comments and qualifiers ("You always leave a mess" or "Will you ever learn?" etc.)? If I don't point these things out, don't offer those learning moments, can I say I am a parent at all? Do I somehow become a denatured, attenuated, bystander only, who is limited by rules of politeness? Now if Stepdaughter were to come after me and call me names or make accusations because I give this kind of feedback/mandate, do I let that pass because she is "hurt" or a child of divorce, or is hormonal? Isn't it incumbent on me to point out that I am willing to be disagreed with, even vociferously, but that I am still her stepmother and expect a certain level of respectfulness in her disagreement?



I could take the attitude that my friend, Olga, took when I told her about these students. "Are these people going to be working with other people's minds some day? And they act like this? Would you send a paraplegic to the front lines in the war? No! You can't send the wounded to fight to protect you and neither can these crazy people of yours work with people's souls."
But I am not able to say that in such a cavalier way. Because we are all wounded, we are all growing. We all have things that we need to learn and every one of us have rough edges. I include myself in that.

The Chair of my department read my email and when I asked if there was anything wrong with my direct email she said, "No. Any other student could take that but not Jane. She will always over-react. But to her credit, she will take what you say to heart and will learn from it and own her behavior." But do we want to let someone go through our department who leaves the university with our name stamped on her, and who will act this way with other authority figures in her future? I think not.
I have already dealt with this student when months ago, after she asked me a personal question and when I didn't answer it, said tersely, "We are finished with this conversation! There is no use in continuing to try to talk because you are not going to understand what I'm saying." She was livid. I was more so because we were standing in my office and she was excusing me from it! The director of the clinic and I had a frank discussion with her about her strengths, skills, and the feedback from us and from the other staff (and they thought she was irritating and arrogant). She resigned the next day even though we said we knew this was hard to hear but that we planned to support her and help her to stay at the job and learn from this experience. She later apologized but I don't think she really understood what had happened or held the director and I blameless.

Last month I finished donating over $2000 worth of free supervision to this student for work she did at a site where there was no supervisor. I gave her an excellent supervision evaluation and we reviewed what a pleasure it had been to work together and how much she had grown. One email and we're into the thralls of war.

If I hadn't been in such a rush the day I heard she had resigned, I could have called Jane on her cell phone and asked what had happened. The chance that she would have heard me as denouncing, accusatory and angry would have been between 2-5%. I could have taken more time to write a more coherent and articulate email. It never dawned on me that what I wrote would be viewed as an accusation and complete obliteration of her entire value because that was the farthest thing from my mind. My explanation of that has only seemed to fuel her wrath.

On a more personal note, I'm angry at Jane and the two other students for being so vindictive when I have merely done my job. These emails have hurt me more than I care to admit. I second-guess myself on nearly every interaction with students now. I want to hold my outrage to me and defend myself and my right to say what's what. But she is a young Christian who comes from a terrible, horrible family situation that I would not have survived, had I been her as a child. It is a miracle that she is where she is today. I wouldn't call her a "paraplegic" like Olga would, but she working against definite handicaps. (She's in therapy at my prior insistence). So in her case, do I have the right to insist on the fact that I am correct, even though my words hurt Jane? Or is the right thing to do, to apologize for the hurt and to reassure and challenge her to continue in her personal growth? I think so.
I have referred Jane on to the Chair, hoping that she will help clarify what was said and that this is within my role as Director of Clinical Training. And that I'm not a monster. That teachers give feedback, even if students don't like it. It is our job.

So I am crafting a letter of apology to this student: that she misunderstood and that I was in a hurry. That I still want the very best for her and that I will remove myself from her thesis committee. And that I believe she will graduate and do good work somewhere, someday. In the midst of this, I hope I am also growing past some of my own handicaps.