Was it me?

Today someone who works for me resigned. She slid the letter across my desk while I was working at my computer and I didn't even see her do it. The letter was visible only when I shut down my laptop to leave. There it was: two lines.

The administrator and I met with this individual last week to give her feedback to the effect that her demeanor would prevent her from ever being an effective leader. Furthermore, others had complained about her behavior. She would look at me only when she couldn't avoid it during that conversation--which was very little. Today there was only a "hmmph" and "mmm" from her. Almost no words whatever in the half hour we rattled around in the office together.

Last week, after I had tried in vain to put a point across two times, she dismissed me by saying, "This conversation is over!" as she stood in my office. I left, livid--late to another appointment and feeling sick and tired of extending myself for people who are in dire need of professional development.

But it is my job.

I would love to think that I am tough-skinned enough not to be bothered by this event. But I was sick at heart all weekend and prayed for her off and on. It had to be very difficult for her to hear our feedback, even as carefully crafted as it was. She had cried--no, sobbed--at the end. And now I'm wondering if I did something that contributed to her behavior at work: not enough direction or clarity about what was expected, lack of enthusiasm, my own exhaustion from all that has been happening in my life. In the middle of it was this person.

As I left her working in the office today, her last day, I told her that I knew this had been a tough situation for her and that I was available to talk more about it if she ever had the interest to do so. She made a sound of acknowledgement and said nothing. I've never had this kind of response before. She was completely shut down and turned off.

The human element of administration can be completely unnerving. My administrator told me I had done the right thing when I passed along the resignation letter. I just felt sick. True, this person didn't respond very sensibly and has been quite challenging from the beginning.

It makes sense now why people in leadership are very careful how close they become to people who work for them. One never knows when the line between administrator and friend will be violated, or by what means a friend can bring administrative pressure to bear when needed. It is a difficult lesson to learn. Food for pondering.