Hyacinths

If thou of fortune be bereft

And of thy store there be but left

Two loaves, sell one and with the dole

Buy hyacinths to feed the soul

I don't know who wrote this, but I know that I grew up hearing my father repeat it frequently. Whenever he'd buy something that was not a necessity, he'd grin at mother and repeat this poem. "It's hyacinths!" he'd explain.
That poem has stuck with me. In fact, I use it in couples therapy a lot, of all places.

When life takes hold and we are caught up in the daily grind of making a living, keeping the kids in clothes (that they'll want to be seen in and that we can afford), caring for elderly parents or just trying to keep up with the mountain of laundry, we can completely lose sight of hyacinths. What I mean is that we can easily get so bogged down by living from necessity to necessity (time or material goods) that we fail to nurture our soul or the soul of our spouse.

John, one of my former clients, recently emailed me and asked me how he and his wife could keep from fighting. We'd ended our course of couple therapy on a good note. They'd made excellent progress and felt satisfied with the way they were now able to relate and communicate with each other. And now there had been a fresh outbreak of arguments. "How can I make Marissa truly know that I love her and that I'm attracted to her?" He felt that he had somehow fallen down on his part. A very logical fellow, I could see how he could view affectionate lingering through the lens of cold time efficiency.

Marissa needed hyacinths.
I wrote John a lengthy treatise about how to deal with his situation and ended with this:

"Most women realize their husbands love them, but very few hear it enough. Even fewer feel appreciated by their husbands. Those women who often hear how much they are loved and appreciated are very happy women. Marissa needs hyacinths to feed her soul--things that aren't practical: poems, little notes in her pocket or on her pillow, a passing hug and kiss, comments, the gift of time.
So let the grass in the backyard grow up to your knees if you must, but sit and watch the sunset with Marissa, or in passing give her a quick massage across her neck and shoulders, or when she's washing dishes walk up behind her and put your arms around her and kiss her neck or just hold her to you. She needs to know--to feel--that if you could take all the women in the world and line them up, you'd come back to her every time."
Verbal hyacinths are very powerful indeed.


In the 1982 movie, The Scarlet Pimpernel, Sir Percy Blakeney declared his love for Marguerite in a most outspoken manner. When Marguerite remonstrated with him, he said expansively, "If I were to tell you that I adore you, would you have me do so stintingly? Or would you have me declare it as I feel it--with all my heart?"
There they are: hyacinths aplenty.

Material goods are necessary. But our souls shrivel without hyacinths.
Show me a person who knows they are loved and I will show you someone with a handful of hyacinths.