Forgive Me

One time I was invited to address a group of Christian singles on the topic of forgiveness. Going to singles events was not high on my list of priorities, but speaking was. So I went to great pains to put together a scripturally based, very convincing presentation about what forgiveness means and how to do it.
People loved it. I was pursued by a bunch of single people (men and women) who appeared to want a romantic relationship with me. I dodged them all and came home alone.

Later that same day, I was reflecting on the meaning of forgiveness and praying about my day. It suddenly struck me that I had harbored mean and angry feelings toward a former boyfriend who should have asked my forgiveness, but never did. I was outraged by his lack of concern for my feelings--feelings that had been dashed to smithereens when he was diagnosed with active AIDS, contracted from another man. Now he was in the hospital for what would be the last time, and I was trying to cope with the ignominy of having dated a gay man in front of my entire community. I was livid. He should have at least apologized for using me as a front. He could have told me from the outset that he was gay and that he merely wanted to have my friendship. He could have told me about his ever-present male friend and I would have stepped aside. He shouldn't have lied and tried to convince me that he was straight. But he did none of these things and I was duped and angry. I was waiting for him to confess his behavior before I would deign to forgive him. And I was becoming more and more emotionally disconnected on the inside. It's not smart to wait for someone else to ask forgiveness first because then you can't move ahead unless they do. Holding myself hostage like that was not good emotionally, socially, or spiritually. This is not how God does forgiveness with us. He offered it to us before we were capable of knowing it.

I had clearly not forgiven him and I needed to be forgiven for my resentment of him. So that night, accompanied by much tearfulness, I wrote him a letter in which I asked him to forgive me for my fury toward him. It was now my firm resolve to forgive him, but it is a process--a gift from God--and I could only give him little bits of forgiveness now. The relief I felt was enormous, although I assumed that he'd be put off by my letter.

But it was enough for him. He thanked me over and over for my letter even though he never apologized. When he died a few weeks later I knew that he didn't feel under condemnation from me. My bitterness was gone. I was hurt and confused, but not hideously angry at him.

Why do I tell this story here? Because we are all in desperate need of forgiveness--those who hurt us and we who are hurt by them. When someone does something hurtful to us we both can become entangled in a circular pattern of resentment and non-forgiveness. It is only when we recognize the darkness of our own hearts that we can extend forgiveness to anyone else. Only when we realize how much in need of forgiveness we are, that we can give that to someone else.

Today my heart is sagging because I need forgiveness from somebody else. I have been vindictive and mean. My behavior was unacceptable and I am guilty of treating someone in a way that they didn't need to be treated. I am humbled in the knowledge that when someone was mean to me, I was mean back to them. I was wrong, just like they were. Part and parcel of being human. Time to reach for the Divine.

Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. Matthew 6:12