Come Rest Awhile

So Sam and I have traveled to Puerto Rico to visit his family. We are so blessed to be staying with our dear cousin and his wife: Lovely people, fine Christians, delightful company--and they dearly love us (and vice versa).
I came her burned out. In fact last week, I gave a plenary session at a medical university about burnout and I myself was a hairbreadth away from being completely incapacitated by burnout. Strange irony. I flew back home on Tuesday night and on Thursday evening we flew out of LAX to Puerto Rico. I slept for hours on the plane, then a few hours in the hotel, and another 10 hours that night. I was just so exhausted.

I continue to be very tired.

I've worked so hard to get my program at work up and running. There are so many needs and I am one person. I'm to support over 1200 individuals in their work--without an assistant or anyone to organize or schedule me. I've been burning the candle at both ends. Now I am still tired and feel close to tears quite often. Another week of deep, long sleep will probably help me feel like a new person.

Tonight I read a wonderful chapter in the book, Desire of Ages by Ellen White. It is the narrative of how Jesus withdrew into a quiet place with His disciples after they returned from their first missionary journey. They had made mistakes and didn't know how to proceed for Him, and they openly shared their disappointments and failures with Him. This is where I feel I am just now. I am feeling the overwhelming need to be much in prayer and scripture, finding new strength for what is ahead and learning from Christ how to be more effective in my work.

My chest is tight. Too many demands, too many broken hearts and challenges that need more than what I can supply to these employees. I have tried my best but I'm probably overlooking some significant things that would make my efforts go farther.

And so I pray and meditate on the wonderful words in Psalm 103--He remembers our frame and that we are dust...I am very dusty just now.

Tired, broken, but not without hope. Just without energy. Praying that I can take in all of the peace that I hear in my surroundings: the singing coqui, crickets, the laughter of my cousins, the lilting Spanish all around me. And so much love here.

From where I am sitting I see three pictures that I think I simply want to look at. One is of Jesus walking on the waves and reaching down to Peter, who has sunken down and is drowning. There is no judgment in Jesus' face. Even though most of us roll our eyes when we think of Peter's bravado in asking to be called out onto the water.
Then there is a picture of Jesus holding up a man who is fainting back against Him. In one of the man's hands is a hammer and spikes that he apparently just drove into Jesus' hands. Yet there is Jesus, still supporting the one whose actions damaged Him. I have so far to go to come close to His perfection and grace.
My favorite picture is of Jesus walking back to a flock of sheep carrying a rather helpless and dumb looking lamb on his shoulders. He is not frowning about this either, but seems to have an expression of peaceful joy on His face. I'm so glad He carries me, for that is what I need right now. I am so very blessed to be carried by Jesus so tenderly.

I am sure that many people get burned out. In fact, only about 4.5% of doctors do NOT get burnout. We are not sure why or what characteristics they have that protect them from burnout--but a full 95.5% of doctors do get burned out. I'm sure the rates of burnout for nurses are similar. I've been burned out as a nurse, a teacher, and now as a therapist/program director. Jesus has carried me every time. I am trying to learn (this week) about staying on His shoulders.

"As a Father pities his children, so the Lord pities us. For He knows our frame and remembers we are made of dust" Psalm 103.