Dying

I had a long conversation with a friend tonight and I won't be able to sleep now. She told me that last week her doctor told her that she will die within a year due to a number of chronic illnesses that she has had for over 50 years.
I am stunned.
Veronica is one of the cheeriest women I know and she has endured more in life than almost any woman I can think of. Born to a woman who was married nine times, she was pressed into the job of taking care of her hypochondriac semi-prostituting mother from the time she turned 13. Leaving that home, she married an abusive man who verbally and emotionally abused her for 20 years. Three sons later, she left him, only to have her church ask her to give up her church office. "Too many people misunderstand what has happened." So she gave up her office and watched as her husband was hired on by another local church to do what she wanted to do so badly. She watched as he received accolades for what she could do much better but was not allowed to, for no good reason. At the same church, she was finally hired to be involved in part time ministry, but was elbowed out by a family with money and influence whose child wanted to take over her responsibilities. Veronica asked if she could continue on without pay, just to be able to contribute to the church. She has been allowed to up until the end of this month. It will be her last opportunity to serve the church in this way.
Meanwhile, Veronica was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. She picked it up in a transfusion she was given at birth, after which she almost died. No one knew what was wrong with her, but she narrowly survived and was severely jaundiced at the time. Veronica grew out of it, she thought. In fact, it was growing insidiously inside of her until last year she was told that she had severe cirrhosis of the liver. And then the bleeding started: severe nosebleeds that took forever to staunch. Her ankles and thighs swelled up to twice their size and she became very tired. While this was happening, she lost two of her part time jobs and now she is $700 short every month. How does she manage? In a word, God. People have given her money, put cash inside of her purse--all of this without a word from her, but there are many prayers ascending from her every day about how she will manage. It has been this way--hand to mouth--since her divorce. Her credit had been ruined by her ex-husband, and the alimony and child support ran out way too soon.
Veronica's doctor has put her on the liver transplant list. She is not excited. "If the transplant doesn't kill me, paying for it will!" She does not know how she will manage financially if she can't work, can't pay for her car, has no one to care for her through the medical crisis, etc. She wonders why she should consider a liver transplant if she can only plan on five good years to follow. It's really hard on one's body and she is uncertain about it. But now the doctor tells her that she has a cirrhotic heart. I had no idea there was such a condition, but it is like cardiac stenosis (hardening and narrowing of the vessels). Veronica needs to give someone medical power of attorney, but her boys don't want to talk to her about it. They feel sick at heart that she is ill and can't bear the thought that she will most likely die soon. So they completely avoid talking about her illness. She has tried to tell them that they can sell her one and only antique furniture piece in order to bury her--up on the hill where next to her stillborn baby girl lies. They simply can't talk with her about dying.
This is why I talked with her so long tonight. "I hate to even ask this question, Veronica, but do you feel that you are ready with God?"
"Yes. But more than that, I wonder why I've lived through all these things just to have this happen."
She tells me that two weeks before she was diagnosed with Hepatitis she had a vivid dream of a man who was speaking to her. He told her that she had lupus and that it was very serious. "Well, I'm going to fight it," she told him. Although she couldn't see his face, she had the distinct impression that he sincerely approved of her plan. "Maybe I'm in denial," she told me today. "But I talk about dying on purpose. And when I do, there is nothing in me that answers to that. I just don't think it's going to happen to me because I remember that dream." She is a new grandmother and has done so much reading on her illness and medications that she is now suggesting medication regimes to her physicians. By following her plan, she has lost much of the extra fluid in her legs and her chest pain has diminished somewhat. She wants to avoid the transplant if possible. Veronica is having a cardiac angiogram next week to see how cirrhotic her heart is and if needed, to place a stent in her arteries to decrease the chance of heart attack. And yet even with all of this happening, she continues to take care of her mother and also another elderly woman who has mobility problems. She is usually cheerful and eager to be involved with people. I really love her and it is hard to think of her goodhearted soul having to suffer the way she has--and quite possibly, the way she will before she dies.

If there is anyone who reads this blog, please put Veronica on your prayer list. She needs your prayers more than you can imagine. Prayer is the best thing, she tells me, and she adds tentatively, it is the only thing that has helped her survive. I pray not for a miracle--althought that would thrill my soul--but that she will have peace and if/when she does die, she will slip away quickly and painlessly. She has had enough pain in this life.
So tonight, with a very heavy heart I'm thinking of Veronica. I feel challenged to make every day of my life count--my life that has so much good in it. May God bless my friend with a cheerful heart, peace that passes all understanding, and a real sense of how much God loves her as she declines.