Living in the In-Between, Part II

Differentiation is a big word that describes successful living in the in-between. Rather than being wishy washy and avoiding taking a side, it means that the individual has been able to think critically about the issues and then make a response. It is not a knee-jerk reaction.
There are certain ways we react to thins that almost seems built in. I feel angry when a store clerk calls me "Hon" or "Honey" when I am old enough to be their mother. If someone makes a comment about the shocking weight of someone else, I immediately want to take up for the overweight person. You don't have to be a psychologist to understand that one!

Other people become quite placating and deferent when they are confronted by an angry person. My almost immediate response if I am accused of something is to begin questioning myself as to how I allowed this to happen--to take full responsibility before I know the scoop.

I have dated men in the past who could not allow me to ever pay for anything when we were together. It wasn't just that they were gentlemen, they were almost frightened to think of being given anything. They simply could not receive from anyone else. It made them feel vulnerable to be given anything. Wonder why we never got together?

Many of our reactions to things often form due to the emotional paths of least resistance in the families in which we grew up. We either took on a role of placater, caretaker, family clown, distracter, antigonizer, or rebel. Of course, there are other roles that kids can take in the family. It all depends on what behavior is needed to keep the family in balance, or homeostasis, as it is called.

So kids learn to do certain things or react in specific ways in response to triggers they sense in the behavior of others. It might help them survive or find purpose in the family, but it often doesn't bode well for them over years. And here is a rule: The more the unspoken emotional charge in a family, the more compelled a child feels that they must react in a highly predictable way, and the more reactive they are as adults. This may preserve a sense that the family is harmonious. But it comes at a high cost to the emotional wellbeing of the child.
Fast forward about 20 years. That individual won't be able to tell the difference between their thoughts and their feelings. They just react, out of touch with their feelings and not sure what they really think. They are highly reactive to specific behaviors in other people. The more reactive they are, the more likely to "jump on the bandwagon" and agree with all tenets of some ideology. Moreover, they will become a fierce proponent of the idea and highly reactive to those who disagree. Murray Bowen, one of the founders of family systems theory, stated that this kind of behavior is driven by anxiety. The more emotional charge there is, the less tolerant the individual will be of alternate viewpoints that others may have.

This takes us to finding the middle ground. It is extremely difficult for someone who is highly reactive to be able to locate themselves thoughtfully, on a continuum of views. They will react to what they think is being said or forwarded, but such a person isn't typically thoughtful or able to entertain the possibility that there may be varying shades of truth across a spectrum of related ideas. So they become entrenched and invested in a certain way of thinking and there simply will not be further discussion. Unless it is to press others to adopt their views as well. Because it may be that they have never learned to be who they are fully, in the presence of someone who isn't like they are.

I think that it is quite difficult to thoughtfully, non-emotionally consider how we want to think. That's right: Think about how we think, and not confuse a misguided feeling with a thought.

So as I think about religion, politics, current events, relationships, I need to be careful that I thoughtfully consider as many options as possible as I think about what position I want to take. Is it a position of integrity? Am I overlooking some point that is important to me if I locate myself too far one way or the other on the continuum? The only way to know is if I slow down, take a deep breath, and consider the entire range of possibilities.