Embarassed

Did you ever do something inadvertently that left you chagrinned, mortified, flummoxed, humiliated (did I get all the synonyms for this awful state?) Well I realized this weekend that I have been remiss in some major areas of my life. I was brought face to face with weaknesses of which I was unaware. You know, some things just slip by. It might be a character flaw, an annoying habit, a missed opportunity, something that hasn't been dealt with properly and that keeps popping up.

I collided with three of such instances in the last two days. What is of particular interest to me isn't necessarily the problem areas. I'm a smart girl and can figure out what to do about these things. But I'm struck with the perspective of being a performer of perfection vs. being a learn-as-you-go bumbler. The latter is how people gain more in life, even though it is a messy business sometimes.

I even tell my students this in class. "If you're having trouble with something, tell me what it is. Don't try to pretend that everything is fine and bluff your way through this class. If you give me work that demonstrates your area of challenge, then we can figure out how to help you improve if it is out in the open."

This is remniscent of voice master classes I've attended. Some renowned performer meets with singing students. The goal is for the more experienced singer to listen to the students and assist them with technique to get them past the areas of challenge. How do you think the singer can help? First, the error in voice production process has to get out in the open. The students come to master class prepared to sing a song that gives them problems in some way. Even though it is much more tempting to sing something that sits perfectly in one's voice, it is so much more productive to be prepared to fall flat in front of the singing guru. So when your voice cracks, or you run out of breath, or the quality of your voice changes over a passage when it shouldn't, and you know it will happen that way yet still perform it, other master class students are embarassed and think ill of you. How embarassing to look so bad in front of all those people! Yet after the singing teacher offers suggestion for how to eliminate the problem, you can sing forever without the hitch in the voice. Those students who bring one of their best pieces and who don't demonstrate any problem, really don't gain much from their performance except a pat on the back of their self-esteem and determination to hide their weak vocal proclivities.

Why is it so difficult to live life with our problems showing? Isn't every event in life an opportunity to learn, to improve, and to move ahead without the problem behavior? If we can just think of life more in terms of the voice master class, perhaps in the long run, what feels like glaring flaws, are only pointers toward self-improvement. Places for God's grace to be applied. Things to pray about and problem-solve. As a wonderfully wise woman told me once, "This is just one more time to realize how much God loves you."

The embarassment only comes when we assume that we should be perfect all the time, which is precisely what I do. There are expectations that at a certain point in life, we should have modulated behavior, impeccable manners, and full command of our emotions. There should be no unresolved issues from the past to rear up and create havoc for us. We should feel comfortable in our skin 100% of the time. It ain't necessarily so, from what I can see from my vantage point. It certainly isn't true of me.

It's all about keeping a humble, teachable spirit. Recognizing that we are all on a journey to become more developed, more like God.

These three issues that made themselves known this weekend are giving me the opportunity to do something about them, rather than muddle ahead in blissful ignorance.

Growth, not plastic perfection.

Sigh.

I have my work cut out for me!