Not so nice

Found here

Today in church I remembered afresh that mine is a face that many people in the area recognize and connect with various public performance-type things: Bible lesson teaching, singing, administering programs, teaching in the university, supervising students, writing--lots of things that get positive strokes. People whom I don't know will call me by my name and speak with me as though I am supposed to know them, when their sense of familiarity is from seeing me give a seminar. I have no corresponding sense of familiarity about them, so there is nothing very authentic feeling about me being more than warmly cordial.

It also sometimes seems that people also have an inflated sense of my goodness. Just because I have stage presence, can sing or speak, or be entertaining and personable during my talks does not necessarily a nice person make. As a therapist and as a Christian speaker and writer, people expect me to live out all sorts of great qualities that never flag. I suppose that is the ideal, but I can't pull it off.

I do not feel like a nice person today.

Someone approached me in church and asked me to see his nephew in therapy. Tonight. That was pretty shocking. I asked what the hurry was and was told that this young man is going abroad for school on Tuesday morning. Well, why not see him on Sunday? He would be at Six Flags for the day. Well then, what about Monday? He has lots of errands to run and might not be able to fit me in. In my mind I was saying, "Well, it must not be that important then."

Why would someone ask me a question about business issues in church, on the Sabbath? Oh--a simple answer exists for that: many people think that counseling is a pastoral advice-giving enterprise and that I should be prepared to do it in the name of the Lord at any time. And did I mention, for free? I was really annoyed and I did not feel nice. But in spite of this I called the nephew tonight and spoke with him about when I might be able to fit him in on Monday. As I always do, and according to my discipline's ethical standards, I discussed my fee and his insurance coverage so he could make a decision about whether it would be feasible to even make an appointment with me.

It just happens that we don't accept his insurance plan at our office. When I told him my fee there was a long silence. He told me that my fee is way too much for him to pay for one hour. Kudos for his honesty--that saved us time hemming and hawing. So I gamely told him about some options where he might be able to both be scheduled immediately and for a very low fee. He seemed pleased and I hung up the phone, thoroughly irritated to have had this intrusion and sense of urgency when I'm supposed to be "off."

I would not walk up to an attorney in church and ask her to please see me immediately on a Saturday night. I would not expect a plumber to come to my house after church, after I get back from lunch and before my nap, and fix my shower that had been leaking for weeks. For free. It would never occur to me to ask a CPA to look at my financial issues unless I had money dedicated to pay his fee, whatever it might be. But since I'm a Christian, a therapist, and a woman, I'm supposed to be "on" at the whim of whomever thinks I should offer my services.

Oh my goodness...

Before this turns into a full-blown rant, I should say that this post was not conceived because of the general public's lack of awareness about how to utilize counseling services or appreciate the experience of a therapist. It is about trying so hard to be good-hearted, to have noble aims and positive ideas about how to interact with people, only to have an inner experience that doesn't correspond with what others see. Or being expected to be bigger than life when it comes to everyday things and for whatever reason, I'm not, can't be, or don't try to be.

It makes me feel not nice when this happens. Especially if it concerns a family member who expects me to be that wonderful person all the time. I'm not. I want to be 100% me when I'm with my family. I let people down and say awkward things. Very un-therapist things that just come out of my mouth because I'm not a therapist 100% of the time. Not when I'm worn out and at home, needing some emotional input for myself, too tired to do anything spectacular. At those times when my efforts to be altruistic fail, I end up feeling so decidedly not nice that I despair. It is especially hard when it is thought that other outside-the-family people get the nice Barbara and the family gets the one who doesn't come through in the way they feel I should.

An interesting study was done about spouses of therapists. It was found that they were very frustrated with the lack of communication attempts by their therapist husbands or wives. That was the greatest annoyance of spouses. As for the therapists, they repeatedly indicated that after talking with people all day long they just wanted to be left alone. This doesn't make for good relationships! But I completely understand this.

It's a not nice feeling when how I want to be doesn't match how I am on the inside. I'm disappointed in myself because I want so much to be more Christ-like regardless of what I get back or how other people behave. But it isn't always within my grasp. It seems that tonight I've taken a great swan dive into the morass of being that thing called imperfect humanity. I don't want to hurt anyone or be self-centered or intent on my needs to the exclusion of others. But here I am, swimming for all I'm worth.

I'm afraid it won't be the last dip that I take here.