Because of the first studies on attachment by Bowlby, a scientist named Mary Ainsworth began studying how children responded when separated from their mothers. Children routinely cried, expressed concern, and were grateful to get back to their mothers--if they had secure attachment. She found that about 60% of children manifested secure attachment and 20% showed evidence of anxious and avoidant attachment styles respectively. Anxiously attached children continued to cry and behave as though their parent could be removed from them once again, even though there was no indication of this. Securely attached children cried or behaved in an annoyed manner, but quickly became responsive and confident in the presence of their parent. Avoidant children did not seem to be fazed by what had happened, and would continue to play with toys and ignore the mother, once returned to her.
The way we form attachments as little creatures often predicts the way we will attach ourselves to significant others. To review, the three basic types of attachment styles include:
1. Secure attachment. People with secure attachment styles felt love, confidence, and security in reference to their primary caregiver.
2. Anxious attachment. Those who develop an anxious attachment experience clinging behavior, intense monitoring of surroundings (for evidence of impending abandonment), are anxious and concerned about their relationship.
3. Avoidant attachment. Children with this attachment style appear to be unconcerned with abandonment or separation from their caregiver. They occupy themselves with something else and aren't bothered by being alone.
There are some interesting facts about the way these attachment styles influence our relationships and worldviews. In the 1980s, two researchers named Hazen and Shaver began examining how attachment styles impact romantic relationships in adulthood. In fact, their investigation showed that there was a high correlation between childhood and adult attachment styles. Those partners with a secure attachment felt confident that their partner would be available to them, loved them, and would "have their back" in any situation.
People with an insecure/anxious attachment style as children, later developed relationships in which, while they dearly loved their partner, worried that they would leave them, that they would not be responsive or interested in their concerns, and in which they felt insecure.
Avoidant individuals don't allow themselves to rely on others, do not allow anyone else in their hearts, and are less likely to maintain healthy, long-term relationships.
According to a group of researchers headed by Frazier (1997), we tend to select partners who confirm our experience with our original attachment figure. Securely attached individuals tend to turn to their partner for support and comfort when in pain, while avoidantly attached people withdraw or try to deal with issues on their own. Furthermore, they may appear to be defensive or cooly resistant to offered help. People from secure attachment backgrounds tend to be much more nurturing and supportive of their partners who turn to them for help. Anxiously attached individuals can easily make their partners feel suffocated because of their frequent attempts to ellicit care, affirmation, and loving responses from them.
Even though people with these three attachment styles present themselves differently, when asked to discuss how they would feel if they lost their partner, all had the same physiological responses. This means that their bodies indicated that there was equal distress across all three types of individuals. However, the avoidant individuals were able to suppress the expression of their feelings more effectively than the other two types and on the face of it, appeared not to be troubled by the thought of losing their partner.
Why think about attachment styles?
There are several reasons the topic is important. First, an understanding of attachment styles may shed light on how we each behave in our relationships. If you are clinging to your partner and have concerns about whether or not they love you (without sufficient evidence to support your fears), or if you wonder why you are restrained and invulnerable in your relationships, this may help to explain it. Second, not everything about us happens by our own will. We come into life and into relationships that are outside of our control. Thus, our template for behavior is cast at a young age and we are left to manage the outgrowth of it. Third, we each can do something about the kind of attachment style we have if it happens not to be a secure style. It takes time and is not simple, but it is not set in stone.
We in the United States love to state along with our country's mighty founders, that "all men are created equal." However, we are not all the same in what we bring to the table when it comes to relationships. At any given time, approximately 40% of partnered people are struggling with anxious or avoidant attachment issues.
The mantra of the ancient Greeks was, "Know Thyself." This slogan was emblazoned on the court of their temples. I don't think it is a bad slogan for us today. We all start at different places in life. Most people don't realize that there are these variations in people's tendencies, especially from very early years. They judge those who do not perform in relationships the way they think those people should. It is just not that simple.
It is not just our human relationships that are affected by our attachment style. I will talk more about this in Part III.
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