Ugly Story Lines

There are people in this world who have an awful story inside about themselves. It may have come from not getting the affirmation they needed, or living in the shadow of a beautiful, bright, winsome older sibling. Or it might be because they have a mental illness or grew up in a hostile environment where every incoming comment had to be internally screened for vicious barbs. So the tools they used to fend off assaults to their emotional integrity--tools that worked at the time and for the right reason--later become obsolete but still utilized and a definite hindrance to their ability to relate in a healthy way to people who aren't hostile or vicious.

What seems to happen is that because these folks are on the lookout for words that are a threat to them, if they even hear a "trigger" word, or you say a word, give a look, or make a gesture that has the elements of an insult--but actually may be positive comments about something good--these can be taken and somehow fed into the ugly story line they have about themselves. It becomes twisted to support their worst fear about themselves. As they consider this over time it grows exponentially until the innocent word of a well-intentioned friend or mentor becomes a cruel assault. A focal point of defensive, rageful protection.

Today I became the brunt of such an individual. At least there were witnesses. To be blindsided by accusations that are diametrically opposite of one's efforts, even prayers on behalf of that person--this is really hard to absorb.

As the vitriol began being hurled in my direction, my heart raced, blood pounded in my ears, and I felt my face throbbing. Two of my colleagues sat there and took it all in. I had no idea what was going through the mind of one of them. They later told me they were absolutely stunned at the shocking allegations made that could not be substantiated or explained in a cogent manner by the accuser. The other was also under attack and unfortunately, I knew too well what he felt like. I worked to stay matter-of-fact and unemotional in response to the harshness. It was really hard to even know what to say that wouldn't be misconstrued. Some of the comments completely blindsided me: I had no idea this individual had any dissatisfaction with me whatsoever. And here we're almost having to deal with a federal case about it.

After an hour and a half of exercising the strongest restraint, I was relieved to go my own way. But I was enraged and my body was hijacking my brain by sending a gush of adrenaline through my system. I could have gone to the moon, given the restlessness and impotent rage I experienced. I knew on one level that no matter what I did, this individual wouldn't be able to differentiate between my good intentions and the words, glances, posture, or combination of the three that would feed her negative inner dialogue. I could have just screamed, but I realized that nothing I could do would change anything. I had to let it go, walk away, pray for peace and the ability to forgive this person, and focus on part of my life that I can impact.

There are people in this world that give us a run for our money. I am convinced that God wants us to be pure and harmless in a very deep place. To be able to trust Him, see the soul of the person while being lambasted, maintain a kind demeanor because that is how God is living through me--this is what is required. This experience taught me that I'm obviously not there yet. Deep breath. Life goes on and I continue to pray to be more like Jesus no matter who I'm with, what they say about me with the greatest conviction, or how it makes me feel. These are people for whom Jesus would have died, even if they were the only one on earth. I have a long way to go.