Despitefully Used

Today I have been preparing to teach a general lesson study at church for next week. It is on the amazing love of Christ. Several incidences of His loving acts toward humans are recorded in the weekly lesson study, each that illustrates a different facet of love. I looked over the material that the associate pastor sent me that was supposed to help me put together something. But I've never been one to follow scripts and anything that makes me feel boxed in, structured according to someone else's ideas, makes me lose interest. It is important that a speaker has passion about their message, otherwise their comments feel canned. I needed something fresh that could hold my attention.

So I started casting about for information about love: what it is, where people find it, how people maintain it. Then there are all the stories of couples whose love won out against all odds: different religions, races, social strata, education, and even geographic locations. I even found a site that purports to be a Love Calculator, according to its founder, "Dr. Love." All one does is enter the names of two people who are living together, dating, or married, --that's all--just names, and up pops a prediction about how well they will manage together. I entered Sam and my names and clicked the button: we have a 10% chance of staying together. Based on what, I don't know. I entered the names of a couple who have had nothing but trouble since they got married and their chance of staying together was 54%. That removed any tiny bit of credibility the site had.

Then I began to read what Jesus said about loving our enemies and praying for those who despitefully use us. The word despitefully caught my eye. Other versions of the Bible say things like, "Pray for those who trouble you" or "persecute you." The Message Bible uses the phrase, "...someone who is giving you a hard time" and the New Century Bible says, "Pray for those who hurt you." Wycliffe: "...pray ye for them that pursue and slander you."
I keep coming back to good old King James: "Pray for those who despitefully use you." The dictionary defines despiteful as, "in a maliciously spiteful manner...full of malice."
I couldn't think of anyone who treats me that way at work. My students seem to like me, my colleagues and I get on very well, and my administrators speak highly of me. None of my friends would fall into the category of maliciously, spitefully speaking against me out of malice. So I didn't think much more about it. But my mind has nibbled around the edges of this word all day.

This afternoon, the Lord reached into my heart and squeezed. Step-parents have the potential to understand this verse in a new way. Any time a new party joins any family, there are ripples: sometimes the kind that makes one feel relaxed and happy, and sometimes the kind that threatens to sink your boat.

Jesus doesn't say just to pray for those who despitefully use us--whether it happens out of ignorance, willfulness, or oversight. He points out that this is a Kingdom of Heaven quality. Those who follow Jesus step by step are good to the "good" and the bad, those who support them and also those who dash them to pieces. Because this is how our perfect Father in Heaven treats people. He loves us when we are obnoxious, debauched, stupid. There is nothing that we do that can separate us from Him. Yet He does not leave us or stop loving us. So being perfect as He is means holding up in prayer those who misunderstand or hurt us.

Once when I was a therapist trainee, still in school and starting to wrestle with all of the stuff of being a therapist, a social worker said something that helped me understand the road ahead of me in my discipline. We were both working in a county mental health department and saw people with persistent, chronic mental illnesses. They were pretty much on medications for life and would be debilitated and unable to function without therapy plus meds. Reflecting on a very obnoxious patient who had fussed in the waiting room because the social worker wasn't waiting at the door for him when he arrived, she said, "This is why this man is my client. This is why he needs therapy. This behavior goes with the territory. Do you expect to always be treated kindly, respectfully, cheerfully? Then go into another field. We're here to help these kinds of people who turn off everyone else. If we can help them, they won't be isolated because of their own behavior, and they'll have a better chance at making a more satisfying life for themselves. They will even try to hurt us sometimes. But this is how they get better--test the limits, learn skills, challenge you, become introspective. And you are the tool whereby this happens." This man's behavior merited her attention, it didn't exclude him. What a challenge this presented for me!

This is not to say that bad behavior or people who hurt you shouldn't have limits set on them. Saying a strong "No farther for you!" is a loving thing sometimes. Love does not mean you should lie down and become a doormat for anyone who would walk over you. It means being able to live with the hurt, troubling, malice, and slander after you set the necessary limits and making changes to enhance your own mental wellbeing. But people do what they do because they are hurt, scared, damaged or threatened in some way. Some people yell and act aggressively because being loud and mean is easier on their feelings in the short term than allowing themselves to feel pain, fear, or blame. Such behavior merits the prayer. It doesn't exclude them. Being the target of this behavior calls for staying power. Perhaps that comes from being connected to the One who is able to see the end from the beginning. From knowing that God will make it all right one day.

There is something in this for me. I have miles to go before I can be considered perfect as my Father in Heaven is. I am painfully aware of my failings to be gracious and kind-hearted when faced with personalities that push all my buttons. For now, I focus on the things that I can change and set limits on, and I pray. A lot. All the time. If I am only kind to those who are always nice to me, how good is that? I pray that I may continue to reach out to those who hurt me with an open heart and with care, be available to them in whatever way is possible. And trust God to bring conviction to me out of left field--like He did today.