Memories and Change

Found here

I love this picture. It reminds me of my older brother and I because I used to dress up in a white tablecloth and play bride and groom with him. We have a very cute picture of he and I dressed up pushing our daschound, Schultz, in a baby carriage. Schultz was wearing a little white doll's dress that he begrudgingly allowed us to put on him. Apparently I had not yet learned sequence of life as found in the playground rhyme: "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage."

I drove down to Irvine last night to have dinner with my brother, who came out on a whirlwind, overnight trip. It was good to be able to see him--nothing about him has changed and he is the same big brother, issuing advice and feeling grave concern for me that he always has. We had a wonderful meal at the ClaimJumper at South Coast Plaza (the Tilapia Veracruz was perfect!) and then walked through the mall just to get some exercise. It is a good sized mall but the stores are so upscale that I could probably not afford to buy even a keychain in many of them: Gucci, Hugo Boss, Vendi, Yves Delorme, Porsche Design, John Varvados--not the kind of stores to go into if you are trying to stick to a reasonable budget.

I decided to look for comfortable shoes and was telling Brother that ugly shoes are an occupational hazard for professors. He stared blankly at me. Since we're on our feet so much, we wear "sensible shoes." It seems that the more education a woman has, the uglier her shoes. Most of my professors at the University of Minnesota wore beautiful suits. Then when they walk away you notice that they are wearing hideous leather loafer type shoes that one would never wear with a suit in any other venue. In fact, we had some internationally known researchers give a presentation at our university and both of these women wore wretchedly ugly shoes with beautiful suits, scarves, and blouses. I warn my female students about this and they laugh, looking down at my shoes--which for the most part, are dressy and pretty. But my feet have been hurting me and ugly shoes have become more appealing somehow.

So Brother and I were looking for shoes for me that were reasonable in cost and somewhat appropriate in design. I found two pair of low heels that are basic colors and will go with anything. He found a very cute pair of red shoes and decided that I needed them.

"These are snappy shoes, Barb. They will really make your wardrobe pop, especially if you wear them with a navy suit."

He's right. They would. His wife, who is a hair stylist and quite aware of design and style, has taught him well. I agreed with him and told him that I needed some basic comfortable heels first and then I'd consider the red shoes.

"Wouldn't you rather be memorable because of how snappy you look with these shoes? I think they'd be comfortable, and you probably would wear and wear them."

I doubt it. Especially at their astronomical price.

"I'm not a red shoe kind of woman, but I will promise you that I will buy a pair of red shoes in the next year because this is a good idea. How's that?"

He looked forlorn as if I had rejected his sense of style entirely.

We walked on through the mall, me wearing a new pair of black heels, and him in his size 12 WWWWWW cowboy boots.

It was nice to be with him again. Even if I dare not tell my mother that he was here because he didn't want to see her. (and those of you who know her, please do not mention that I saw him. She would wonder why I didn't tell her and it would be too painful for her to know that he didn't want to be around her).

What was interesting to me, and probably to many adults with siblings, is how we can so easily hark back to times when we had a corporate identity and shared the same memories, beliefs, and attitudes. But we grew apart as he moved to the Southeast and I moved to the Southwest. He is accustomed to southern belles and has always wished I was more like that. I, on the other hand, got into conflict with my father because he wanted to send me to college in the South so I would be a "refined southern woman." I would have rather taken up skydiving. It was a conflict of legendary proportions because I wanted to go to New England and pursue things that really interested me.

So pur political views, sense of style, beliefs about people--so many things--have been influenced by our lives after childhood in these diverse geographical areas. We are influenced by the fact that his wife is a combination of Lebanese and Southern belle, and my husband is a Puerto Rican, Angelino (L.A.), father of three. Brother is extremely conservative politically, and I am quite liberal. He hates leaving home and I've traveled abroad numerous times. Religiously, he is quite liberal and I am more conservative.

As I bumped into reminders of our difference, I was struck by how our relationship exists in the tension of what used to be and what is, now. I will always love my brother, and he will love me--regardless of what kind of shoes I wear or what I espouse politically. Probably all siblings experience the growing awareness that what was--our childhood mutuality--becomes more of a memory than an ongoing dynamic, but that the love that began there continues on through life.