Regret

A student has made a formal complaint against me because I failed her last quarter. How dare I grade her down after she started to write the only major assignment the night before it was due? How could I "criticize" her writing as being inferior ("comparison to other students") or assert that her research design was methodological soup (phenomenological in-depth interviews, focus groups using an action research approach and grounded theory on top of that, plus comparison groups using a snowball sample. Good grief)? And how dare I accuse her of reading email and surfing the web in class? Even though her eyes were following something across the computer screen most of the time and her "note taking" appeared to have no relevance to what was being discussed in class.

It is a long, tangled story. She was going to have to wait an entire year to take the course again, thus falling behind her graduation target date. As a redemptive measure, I offered to teach an overload this quarter by offering the course again--as an independent study class. She enrolled but when she saw that the requirements would hold her accountable and force her to do the work she should have done last quarter, she braced for battle.

I got called in to my Chair's office and had to provide a written response with supporting documents. Of course, I had her support. But then I had to face off with the angry student, listen to her, and try to work out some compromise. Or not, and refer her on to the Dean to make a formal grievance at a higher level. The Chair assured me that this student didn't have a leg to stand on, but intimated that she hoped we could work things out without sending her up the ladder.

I'm not sure how or why this happened, but I completely caved in and capitulated to the student's wishes. There is something about having someone accuse, posture, and insist, with a smattering of "poor me" and "you're so unfair" --that knocks me sideways. After several minutes of hearing her accusations of how insensitive I was to her in class, and how she asked early in the class for exceptions, etc., etc., I began to second-guess myself. Not a lot about her comments resonated with me, but they did intimidate me on a very deep emotional level. I did not have it in me to say, "It's unfortunate that you earned an F on your paper last quarter. How do you propose to complete the assignments this quarter in a timely manner?" Or when she said she didn't have enough time to devote to the requirements this quarter, say "Maybe you should consider whether or not you should be signing up for a four-credit course if you can't devote the required time to it," or, "You will need to decide if you can do the work required in a doctoral course or not." Even, "Oh well..." would have been at least a response that pointed out that her request was unreasonable. I can respond to every single complaint and assertion she made--in hindsight. But at the time, I was filled with dread that perhaps she was right. I must be a heartless, partial, inexperienced, punitive teacher with excessive authority issues and who knows what else.
I asked her, very evenly, "What is it that you want?"
She told me in a rush of words.
"Well then, do it."
I turned to the computer, wrote down everything we discussed, printed it off and handed it to her.

I had lost patience and was fed up with the whole process--annoyed that I felt cowed into a corner by someone who was the most undeserving of grace at that moment. Fearful that the allegations I've heard from undifferentiated people in the past about my directness or academic standards, are unreasonable and cause pain. And I caved.

There are many reasons why. There have been many stressors lately: I've been sick and am not 100%. Mother's 195/98 blood pressure that elicited a panicked phone call moments before, only to find out that she hasn't been taking her medication. Exhaustion from helping another family member all weekend. My concerns that I'm really not doctoral education material. Acting as the liaison and quality assurance person for all of our students doing field work (this includes site visits to about 30 places each year--clear from Ventura, to San Diego and as far East as Indio). Putting together a medical family therapy certificate and trying to get it through the university red tape. Administering a $50,000 grant that I haven't enjoyed. Supervising therapy students working in doctor's offices. Teaching six classes this quarter--three of them brand new to me. Having my office books in boxes and working out of a small, chaotic space for two months while my new office is vacated.
But more personally, I have a long history in my family of facing serious consequences if I disagreed, pointed out problems, or challenged the status quo. There have been three times when I was essentially disowned by one or more family members because of choices I made or things I said--in sincerity and with good motives. The ensuing accusations have been outrageous: very painful and difficult to resolve. I've never had anyone else even hint in their behavior or words that these accusations can be correct. But they hurt and I don't want to feel that hostility leveled against me again. So I say nothing and fade into the background in order to avoid being wounded again.
It's true what the Bible says: "The anger of man does not work the righteousness of God." So I am justified in not flying back at people when they are unreasonable. But I feel as though my legs have been shot out from under me and I can't respond in a wise, firm, and calm way to those who use emotional means to intimidate.

It's easy to let things get to oneself, easy to become worn down with all the cares and stresses in life. At those times it's hard to hold the line. The student fairly danced out of my office with her new plan (new to me, but what she wanted all along). This was followed by me being fired as the chair of her dissertation committee. Amazing. She will be hard pressed to get other faculty to serve on her committee.
Her determination paid off, but the outcome is not in her best interest.

In retrospect, I know I made the wrong decision. This is someone who has consistently tried to slide by a number of academic requirements already. She has a reputation. Unfortunately, she won this battle. Perhaps. It all depends on how she writes her remedial paper (which other faculty members will be weighing in on gradewise, I assure you).

I don't recall ever feeling like I've hit a brick wall this hard. I was so determined to hold this student's feet to the fire, and when I reached inside for the wherewithal to make it happen, there was nothing. Humbled, annoyed, and hopefully wiser, I can look back on this with some insight. It is not a good thing to become overwhelmed with "life stuff." Being tired, sick, or anxious about non-academic issues can make it almost impossible to make good decisions or do good work. I must also resolve some hidden hurts. Additionally, students do not have to like me or agree with me to get the best educational experience that I can offer.

There are times in life when situational challenges converge and threaten to paralyze a person. It is then that the mundane things like predictable meals, self-discipline, enough sleep, reflection, recreation, faith, and self-care, make a big difference. Perhaps this is one reason that while on earth, Jesus often headed for the hills to get away and to pray His way through issues, to find strength to keep doing what He was here for. It seems to be one of those Kingdom-of-Heaven-rules: invest in God in quiet time, slow yourself down, give everything over to God, pray for wisdom, and do less--so you can do more.

This is why I've been so quiet lately. I've been busy beating myself up and wringing my hands about how to manage issues in my life that are tough to deal with. Perhaps an early morning conversation with God about family history and my needs for the new day will enhance inner healing and strengthen the inner core of resolve. I hope so.