Both and.

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James and Sarah (not their real names) sought therapy for their constant arguments. Sarah was always angry with James for not seeing things the way she did, and belittled him when he didn't relate events according to her version of what had happened. Or else she constantly prompted him, as though he were a small child: "Now, what was it that I did next, James?" "What did you say when I turned to go that day? ...no, you know what you did. Tell Barbara what you did." If I had been James, I would have wanted to wring her neck, listening to the nagging, sing-song tone of her voice.
What did James do? He seemed to be truly baffled by Sarah's perspective on life and life events. Something that to him seemed cut and dried, was for her wraught with all sorts of meanings that he'd never come up with. Even if he lay in bed awake all night thinking, he would never come up with her interpretations of things. So James withdrew and spent lots of time working out in the yard or garage, just to get away from her. He also said insensitive things to her which he deep down knew weren't the best things to say, mostly to try to counter her stories of how he had failed. He couldn't articulate what was wrong. But insist that he think the way Sarah did and he'd become furious. James saw life in a very straightforward way and it maddened him that Sarah read so much into everything.

It took a few sessions before they were able to hear that both their perspectives on life were valid. There was not one absolute truth about what had happened, or what something meant because there would almost always be at least two versions of meaning to be had. James was a no-nonsense person. Sarah was a bleeding heart who resonated with emotive aspects of events, not factual, face value type interpretations. She found the most meaning in trying to talk through things, while James withdrew to try to understand what was happening before he committed himself to an interpretation.

So there they sat on at different ends of my therapy couch, furious with each other, holding on to their respective bundles of meanings, interpretations, characteristics, family of origin issues, and list of stories to prove the validity of their perspective being the correct, absolute Truth.

Have you ever been around a group of family members and in listening, realize that each individual viewed a family event in vastly different ways? I have. I do it for a living. I am also from a family whose diverse stories about certain issues are so different as to make us appear to be unrelated. While there may be common threads in all of our stories, each individual's story arises from a unique position in the family, personality, psychological traits, beliefs, and experiences. What is blue to one person is orange to another. What was hurtful to one, went right over the head of a different person. Portentious events for one was not even on the radar screen of someone else. This is how it is in families.
This is why, when performing therapy for couples, it is important to ask about the different meanings of events that are taken for granted. For example, when involved in sex therapy, I always ask about what sexual contact means to each individual. Couples are usually shocked to be asked this question, as each thinks the other finds the same meaning as they do in their intimate activities. However, they are sometimes even more shocked to find that what to one is purely recreational, is a deeply spiritual existential exchange to their partner. Must they have the same interpretation and meaning in order to enjoy one another, or to truly be unified? No. In fact, I don't think that meanings for sex is the same in couples as often as most people think.

But back to my point. We all view things so differently. In the coming several days, I would like to outline six different perspectives on one family event. I think this may help elucidate the idea that there is truly no one interpretation or meaning for everyone. It's not possible.

Just as was true for James and Sarah, both are correct, and there are probably many more meanings that could be equally valid. An accurate view of life cannot be obtained through a monacle. Life is what is seen through both lenses in a pair of glasses, and there are other views beside what is seen through the glasses. All are valid and all have meaning. You will see what I mean, I think, over the next few posts.