Contagion

There are times when those close to us say and do things that are outright mortifying. There are acts committed, words said, or interactions with other people that we sometimes shrink away from, trying to distance ourselves as quickly as possible. We feel implicated in foul play somehow because of how close we are to the individual who commits these gaffes.

I have an acquaintance whose husband turns into a mean-spirited, antagonistic heckler when he makes calls to his doctor's offices. She always goes in the other room where she can't hear the phone call because it's almost painful to hear the conversation. The man she loves, who whispers tenderness into her ear, who does sweet things like wears cologne just for her, can turn into a real pain in the neck on the phone. He raises his voice in a rant, threatens, and is belligerant from the outset, challenging office receptionists by assuming that they are duplicitous and incompetent.

Another woman acquaintance literally cringes when she rides with her husband in the car. He swears, flips off other drivers, and lunges in and out of traffic, squealing his wheels in anger. Not only does she not feel safe, she abhors his behavior and would rather be anywhere but with him when he is like that.

One man I know takes his wife out to restaurants, knowing that she will create a scene if any portion of her meal isn't up to her impossible culinary standards. She has been known to throw her plate on the floor and be escorted from eateries by the manager.

There have been times in my life when I felt that my identity was determined by the behavior of those around me. People who behaved differently than I did; whose values were vastly different from mine; whose manner of interacting with others was nothing like mine. I have struggled to know how to best be with such people while being true to what is right for me. Is it best to acknowledge the difference, or downplay it? Is it wise to try to make some demonstration of your own way of doing things in order to point out the difference, or will that only make you appear to feel superior? If the behavior around you is intolerable, but you love the individuals, is it best to absent yourself? Is it a good thing to talk to that person about troublesome aspects of their behavior, or is it better to limit your exposure to such persons?

When I was growing up I was surrounded by people who seemed to define me. I think this is typical for most kids--we are defined by our parents, classmates, friends, siblings. People used to come up to me and tell me jokes that other family members appreciated, but that I found obnoxious. I was given things or told things that applied to someone else, but that didn't fit me in any reasonable way. I got confused with someone else. Perhaps it was the right message but the wrong person. This happens often to lots of people. It's always surprising when it happens to me.

I've been thinking about this, as Sam has been working out all the details of our internet service during prolonged phone calls. I love him, and our business interactions are as different as day and night. I cringe and dodge the study where he is holding forth with some unfortunate internet consultant on a nightly basis.
I work with some individuals whose interpersonal skills are less than acceptable. Because we are both members of the same administrative team, I am sometimes implicated by association.

There are lots of ways to think about this and deal with it. What has been helpful to me over the years is the Bible verse that says, But the words that come out of your mouth come from your heart. And they are what make you unfit to worship God. (Matthew 15:18).

Contagion is a concern that many of us face day in and day out. Learning how to be gracious in balancing what one is and isn't, in the face of behavior from a vastly different perspective, is a continual challenge. I hope I learn to do it gracefully and in a way that supports the good in other people.