All things new

It is now exactly one month ago that we moved to the Southwest. I lived in this town for 18 years before moving away for graduate school, so in many respects it is like coming back home to be here.

Tonight I made a run to Trader Joe's (the most wonderful grocery store ever) in an adjacent town. It was a nostalgic experience to drive down those streets again and pull up in a place that feels so familiar and has many happy associations. On the way home I felt like meandering down some side streets. On the south side of town there is an open air amphitheater where a concert series takes place every summer. I drove slowly around the "Bowl," thinking back to the July 4th celebrations of the past, the crowds, and the special secret parking place where I could always find space for my little car.

There's a small park next to the Bowl and across the street, several very small homes that were once probably guest cottages. They can't be more than about 600 square feet. I pulled up in front of one of them and turned off the engine. I used to have a boyfriend who lived in this house and I learned many things about life, relationships, and myself. I ended that relationship and he died of AIDS six months later. It was shocking and painful, to say the least. As I reflected on my experience with him I braced myself for a flood of regret, anger, distress, or indignation. But as I sat in my car under the tree, there was none of that. There was only a respectful inner silence for what was, and satisfaction for my actions before, during, and after he died.

It's interesting to be back here again. I was single for the entire 18 years I lived here. It's a place where lots of single people live, albeit, decreasing in number as they get to my age. I didn't date a great deal, but I did have several significant relationships. I frequently drive by the home that a former fiance' and I bought 22 years ago. The only feelings about him and that house are mild curiosity about what it looks like inside now, and gratefulness that I never married him.
As I drive home after work, if I look up on the hill I can see the home of my very first boyfriend. He was the most fun and interesting boyfriend I ever had. I remember him warmly and with a smile. But again, grateful that I never got more involved with him.

It seems that when we become Christians and give our hearts to God, we look back on our experience in life B.C. --before Christ. We look back at what we did, where we went, who we were close to, and what was valuable to us--and we relive in a sense, all that came before. But with Christ, all things are new and we are new creatures (2 Corinthians 5:17). Even though we may have to reap what we have sown, there is no room for hopelessness over what was or could have been. By the grace of God we are what we are, and hopefully, His grace to us has not been for nothing (1 Corinthians 15:10). What has gone before makes us what we are today.

Not everyone has the luxury of having few regrets as they look back. Life is hard and not for the faint-hearted. I drove home with gratefulness tonight, that my years before--whether painful, thought-provoking, exciting, growth-producing--leaves me with a sense of contentment. It feels for me that my life has come full circle and I am back home, at peace with all that has brought me to where I am today. Thank God for His grace to me.