God's Flowers

One of my special interests in therapist education is preparation for work with victims of family violence. This week we've been talking about elder abuse--a particularly troublesome issue. Here is a poem that I came across and to which my students are required to write a response:

The Shoebox

by Vanillafire (2005)

On her lap is a shoebox
she holds every day,
while she watches out the window
the world she is no longer in.

Once a day she lifts the lid,
lets aged fingers
sift through memories,
pick up pieces of the past.

pictures of her husband, flower dried
from their first date, drawings done by
children, poem from a friend, old-
fashioned photo of her parents, piece
of silken wedding dress, gift pin from
retirement dinner, tiny confirmation
bible, seashells from both oceans

Nurses pass and check in often.
Sometimes they stay awhile,
to listen, to learn of her box,
of her.

Back at the nurses station
some wonder why she wants
to keep on living. “Sad how she
hangs on to that box.”

Others smile, the ones who stop,
to fix her hair and chat.
They know it is not simply a box
that she cherishes, a container
for her reason to live.

It is her life she relives daily,
the happiness she’s known.
her present is that shoebox,
and what a gift
she has to give.

How Do I Look to You Now?

This is me, circa 1981, the era of big hair. Fresh after the breakup of my first boyfriend, I thought I was the ugliest thing that walked the earth, and as big as a barn. Isn't that amazing? I would love to be this big and ugly now!
This weekend is the annual homecoming weekend at the university where I teach. It has been so interesting to watch people recognize someone walking across the campus, call out to them, and then freeze as they wonder if they made a mistake. "Can that really be Herman? He doesn't have much hair left now." "Wow-- Rachel has come through her chemo pretty well." And the inevitable, "Oh my word! I didn't even recognize him, he's changed so much!"
I sat back in church this morning watching so many members of the honored classes greeting one another. There was a lot of backslapping and hugs. Talk was a little louder, what with hearing loss creeping in on the older ones. I recognized a fair number of people there, since I've lived in this community for about 19 years. Some of the returning alums were men I had once had crushes on. They didn't look particularly awe inspiring--not a one of them. A couple of them looked rather hagard and showed up without their wives. Maybe they're not together any more.
Have you noticed that some formerly homely ones actually look much better with maturity, and some of the beautiful people don't look very good with time? I noticed one man this morning, who not only looks better, but bears himself with the kindliest bearing and the warmest reserve. He was clearly admired by many who observed him.
I sat back and took it all in. I'm not the same as I was in 1981 either. The speaker asked us a good question: "What have circumstances done to you and what has God done in you?"
In response to this question, I have few concrete answers, but several unshakable thoughts:
1. God is absolutely trustworthy. That doesn't mean that things always turn out how you want, or that God exercises that Deus et machina (God in a box), sugar-daddy giving prerogative of His. It just means that He is a sure thing. That He can be leaned on in every single circumstance that life brings. That He will never abandon anyone.
2. God will love me no matter what I do. As my former pastor used to say, "God can love me no less for what I've done or who I am. He will love me no more when I'm not doing the right things than when I am making the effort to do what is right."
3. God has the power to create something out of nothing and do the most miraculous things on our behalf. Of this, I have no doubt. I do not always understand why He permits some things to come to me that are painful, or why at other times He brings incredible, unexpected miracles to me. But He is able, and that is a wonderful, wonderful truth to know.
4. I have nothing to be afraid of in life. The Bible says, "In this world you will have trouble. But be of good cheer--I have overcome the world." That is mighty comforting, even when everything feels as though it is falling in, or that aspects of life create more pain than pleasure in every day life. I still have nothing to be afraid of.

So what have circumstances done to you? And what has God done in your life? It is not a bad idea to reflect on this often.

As far as I can step

Hesitation

I've been wanting to start writing again and yet I hesitate because I'm not ready to be consistent with it. It has been a very long two months since I decided to stop writing. I am in a long, uncertain wait, while my bereaved mother drops to a dangerous weight, grows stronger in her desire to die, and more determined that she doesn't want to leave her home. There are no easy answers, and sleep is fugitive on many nights as I toss and turn and pray. So it is not yet time to come back.
But I am still alive, still hopeful, cheerful about what God has for me, in love with Sam, fulfilling my social obligations, and finding delight in my work. I am just too tired and preoccupied to create anything very inspiring.
Tonight I came across something that a friend gave me once when I was completely done in years ago after a breakup. Written by Virginia Law, a missionary in Africa, it seems applicable to my life just now:

In Congo, we had older men who served as sentries at night. They swept the yard, heated bath water, guarded the house, and were most useful in carrying notes at night.
Going about your business in an evening, you would often hear a cough at the door. You never knew how long one of these messengers had stood there before he announced his presence. One missionary commented that a good book title would be, "What I Saw While I Waited to Cough"! No doubt many secrets were learned by these men.
One night, I heard a familiar cough. When I went to the door, I could just make out the figure of Papa Jean, the sentry from the single ladies' house, holding out a note. It was a dark, dark tropical night. No moon or stars were shining. There were no street lights on this isolated situation. A small six-inch kerosene lantern with a smokey chimney in Papa Jean's hand gave the only smattering of light.
"Such a pitiful little light in such a dark night," I thought. "That lamp doesn't give much light, does itk, Papa?" I said to him.
"No, it doesn't," he answered. "But it shines as far as I can step."
That little incident has become a symbol for my future. Looking back I can see a pattern--God did have a plan for me. Looking ahead I still can't be sure where I am going, but the years have taught me to walk with confidence. God's love always lights my path as far as I can step.
(From As Far As I Can Step--Virginia Law)

Tag, I'm "It"

Mata, who keeps an interesting and well-written blog, has challenged her readers to respond to some questions she has posted yesterday. I'd like to do that here.


1. Do you pray/meditate? Which? How often?
Yes. Every morning as I lay awake in bed (while Sam is still asleep), I invite God into my life for that day. I have trouble staying on topic because my mind quickly revs up and my thoughts jump from responsibility to responsibility. So I don't meditate then. As I'm thinking about all that I have to do, I ask God to help me know what to do and what to let go.

2. Why is it that you pray and/or meditate?
If I don't pray, I am utterly unprepared for the day. Things happen spontaneously that I can't cope well with; I'm not at peace and feel easily frustrated with the mountain of things that need to be done. I also feel spiritually starved--a horrible feeling. More importantly, my hope is that at the end of the day I will have grown spiritually and know something more of God. I work in a faith-affiliated university and do not want to lose any opportunity to serve God by being out of tune with Him. It would defeat the purpose of me being here.

3. Is there a place/setting/time in which you are more likely to pray and/or meditate?
I often pray on the couch in the living room in the mornings or late at night. The back patio is also a wonderful secluded spot for prayer where there is no worry about being observed or overheard. Perhaps the most common place for me to pray is in the car while driving. I begin a conversation with God almost the minute I sit down in the car--about what I've just done, or am on my way to do, or for family members, etc.
Meditation occurs when I'm out in the woods or in the park. Some days I meditate on the patio, but if I really have to struggle with something and need to give time to thought and prayer, I go up to the mountains nearby and find a hidden place to sit and look at the sky and trees.

4. Do you use any physical objects to assist your prayer/meditation? No. I get distracted by objects like prayer journals or a Bible.

5. Are you most likely to use established prayers/meditations, or to create your own style?
Prayer is a conversation with God. Sometimes I use phrases in prayer that come from scripture or religious writings. Most often, it's pretty spontaneous and freestyle.

6. Are you more likely to pray/meditate alone or in a group?
I have prayed with people before. Sam and I pray together every night in bed before we go to sleep. That is the "review and supplicate" prayer: bless the family, help us to sleep well, bless our marriage, help us to know what to do about X, Y, and Z, prayers for each other and thanks for our marriage. I pray with my students when they visit my office (if A, it is wanted and B, it fits into the conversation), and sometimes when I begin class. Most often however, I pray alone.

7. Have you ever asked anyone to pray/meditate on your behalf? If yes, and you are comfortable sharing that experience, please do.
Yes. I have a wonderful prayer partner who prays for me and I for her. In fact, I have two friends whom I pray for every morning and sometimes during the day. It is wonderful to know that they are praying for me, also. One prays for me about my family concerns and for us to locate an affordable home to purchase. Another prays for my spiritual and professional success (and probably both pray for many things about me that I don't know about).
Last week, when I was very ill, I had to give an all-day workshop in a city about 90 minutes away from here. When I left the house, I was congested, had a headache, and was very congested. As the day went on, I felt better and better. When I drove home that night, I felt over my illness. That night, an elderly shut-in from church called me to say that she and her husband had been praying for me that day, and how did I feel? I told her that I had suspected that someone prayed for me and she said that indeed, they had been praying.


8. If asked to describe your religious affiliation/practice/ belief, how would you do that?
I'm a Christian, affiliated with the Seventh-day Adventist church.

9. What would you like to say about prayer/meditation that has not been asked here?
I've been really blessed by two authors who have written about meditation and prayer: Brennan Manning and Philip Yancey. From Brennan Manning I have learned how to meditate and to have silent retreats to focus on the voice and will of God. His Catholic languaging of prayer has pointed out to me that prayer and meditation are spiritual disciplines--things that I as a Christian need to do, whether or not I feel like it.
Philip Yancey's work has given voice to many unasked and unanswered questions about faith and prayer--what does it do and why do it? His writings have encouraged me to pray and ask regardless of outcome, because contact with the Divine God is something to be craved, whether or not my requests are answered.

Rough Christmas.

No words.

Come back in a few weeks.

Just Like You

By now, most readers of this blog realize that I am a childfree adult. That was not by choice, but it is what it is. Every so often I wonder what it would be to have a child of my own. I wondered this yesterday as I cleaned up the guest room after Briana (Stepdaughter #2). I could have throttled her--stuff everywhere, dirty bed sheets, bits of paper and wrappers on the floor, bags of whatnot on the table and goodness knows what under the bed. I aired my feelings in the silence of the house, muttering threats and accusations aloud as I vacuumed. Yet the thought of hearing her voice on the phone saying the predictable, "Barbara, did you miss me?" makes me laugh and melt all at once.

Most of what I said in anger yesterday is what I heard my own mother say to me about being a mother. So I guess stepmothers have some small idea of what motherhood is about. But there is still something missing. I can't look into the face of a child and see myself. I can't hear my daughter muttering just like I do. I will not have the opportunity to see how my children might mirror me. There is no miniature Barbara who will remember me singing "Beyond the Blue Horizon" over the sink, or singing "La Dona Mobile" in the shower, a la Pavarotti. What I do will die with me most likely.

Oh well, it's all been said before, and there's no use in grousing about it. Maybe I've thrown myself into teaching, loving, and mentoring my students because they do stand in for children in some sense. At least, I can leave something of myself behind for the world in the students I train--at least, so I've thought.

Tonight, I checked my email before going to bed. There was a note from Jocelyn, one of my students:

Dear Barbara,
Thank you for your patience in guiding my work with clients as well as myself in the past 6 months. I feel so blessed to be working in the same site with such an amazing person like you are. I look up to you as a model and I truly hope that one day I can become as incredible as you are.
Hugs,
Jocelyn

I have a fan.

It warms my heart to get an email like this, particularly after my previous blog entry--that some of my university students are hopelessly juvenile. But Jocelyn is an excellent student and has lots of natural talent. She will go far beyond me in skills and achievement. When I watch her talk with clients, I see myself 20 years ago. When she gets excited and regales me with stories of "...what the family did when I said that!" I hear my own once-youthful voice. When Amanda tells me, "The whole time I was sitting there [in therapy] thinking, what would Barbara do here? I tried to be just like you right there" --I am initially shocked but complimented and cheered. I am relevant to the younger generation in some way. I could not be more deeply moved.

So, close to Christmas, I can say that I am forever grateful for the students whom God has placed in my path. I am thankful for their confidence, their receptive faces, for the way they challenge me with "the hard questions," their tears of defeat and fear, and the hugs and kindness they have shown me this last year. They shall never read this, as none of my students know of this site. But my heart thanks them, and my mouth says the words: "I am blessed by you, indeed."

Thank you, Jocelyn. God bless you again and again.

Grades

found here

This time of year always gives me fits. I'm an educator of university students. One would think that they would be mature, responsible, accountable, timely--all the things that their younger high school counterparts are not known for.
But at this time of year there seems to be no difference between the two.

I recall the first paper I read in my university teaching career. There was an odd, lurching quality to it. The writer was not articulate in class, nor was she particularly astute. And yet her paper contained both brilliant observations and ponderous, inane remarks. Bells went off in my head. I wondered if she had plagiarized.
After a trip to the library to find the one cited work in her paper, I opened the book to a page from which she had copied several paragraphs, verbatim. I was stunned. Now I had the most unpleasant task of confronting her about engaging in behavior that is defined as academic dishonesty.
When I called her in, I first asked her if she would please define plagiarism. She did that correctly. Then I handed her a copy of her paper in which I had highlighted every remark I could find that had been plagiarized from the library book. I asked her to explain what I was seeing.
This was the point at which my lofty notions about being a university professor took on a more realistic perspective.
After a few moments of thinking about her paper, she volunteered, "I don't think that the woman who wrote this for me understood what plagiarism is."
This was an intriguing twist.
"And why did someone else write your paper?"
"Because I have cancer and had too much going on to write it."
"What kind of cancer do you have?"
"It's a kind you don't know anything about."
Do tell.

Suddenly, in my mind I was back in third grade, standing in the cloak room of our two-room schoolhouse. Miss Lawrence was standing over me menacingly with one hand on my shoulder.
"Why did you put grass down Bernice's pants?"
"Because...well..."
"Don't you know that's not a nice thing to do and it made her cry?"
"Well...I thought she wouldn't mind it." Lie! I was teasing a defenseless, slow girl and could offer no other lame excuse than that.
"How would you like it if someone did that to you?" Miss Lawrence's mouth was very tight around the edges.
"I don't think I'd mind too much."
And around we went. I was fighting for all I was worth to go toe-to-toe with Miss Lawrence and she was trying to get me to admit my wrongdoing and repent. Neither of us got what we wanted at that moment. I know that Bernice surely didn't. She picked grass out of the back of her pants for several hours that afternoon, sitting right up there in the second row of desks at the front of the room.

And my plagiarizing student wasn't about to give in, either. Even when I sent her to the dean's office for a formal reprimand, she told me that she didn't appreciate having her reputation tarnished with allegations of misconduct. I could have wrung her neck.

I'm sitting her at my desk with two class rosters in front of me. Students have been told from the beginning of the term that they MUST turn in four types of paperwork by December 8th in order to get credit for their practicum course. This instruction was given before class and in two subsequent mass emails from my office. These are master's and doctoral level students. Sixteen (16) out of 53 students did not get their paperwork in to me on time. So I'm assigning 16 (count them) incompletes for this class. When I spoke with two students today, whose paths I crossed, one looked blankly at me as though I was addressing her in Swahili, and the other girl blanched and begged mercy. But 16 of these mature, adult students, will get an incomplete and a written reprimand.

Hhrmph. @%#*$!.

It will all be over tomorrow.

Kitty Boy

My friend, Shirley, excitedly told me today that she just picked out a cat at the local humane society and will be taking him home after he is neutered. She was thrilled.
I remember when I was first teaching, Shirley moved in with me to go to graduate school at my university. She had never had a cat and I had Zita--a black beauty with green eyes. Zita was 10 years old and very devoted to me. I could talk to her in a squealy voice and she would flop over on her back and look up at me, begging to have her tummy scratched.

Shirley was taken with Zita. She watched me talk with her, call to her, sleep with her, feed her, cut her claws, and last but not least, be her cat mom. She told me once that I was the one who taught her how to take care of a cat since she just had no idea of what was possible.

So when Shirley and I went to get a litter box and cat food today, while her little cat was in surgery, I felt a bit like an auntie or something, helping her select what she needed for her upcoming cat-motherhood. By looking on the website at the humane society, I think the buff colored cat at the beginning of this entry is said cat baby.

It is hard for many people to understand what having a cat means to single women--or particularly women like me, who have never had the privilege of having babies. We talk to them, explaining all the reasons why we must not have them fishing in the toilet bowl or climbing the Christmas tree. They look at us soberly and then do whatever they jolly well please. But they sleep with us--up against us in beds that are often too small for the both of us--and they choose the place that suits them best--not us: between our legs, under our chin, or inside the covers, occasionally kneading against parts of us that are not claw-proof. Their sunny little faces are full of mischief and at other times, sublimely content.

Zita used to hide in the shower behind the curtain and once I was occupied with shall we say, serious business, she would burst through the curtains, bounce off the wall about knee high, and fly out the door with her back in a frantic S-shape. Then there's Otis, who sat in the bathtub tonight whilst I removed all the caulking with a putty blade. Never mind the flying bits and old caulk. There he sat as pieces whizzed past his head. He occasionally batted a more interesting piece across the tub, but otherwise just sat very close under my arms and looked either at my face or watched the putty knife peeling away old caulk. I just wonder what was going through his little brain.

They're little delights, these cats of ours. I'm so grateful that we are able to enjoy their light heaviness against us, be chased by them, and sleep with them. They make our lives happier just by being their sweet, contrary, and sweet selves.

Rules

The story is told of three children whose mother mandated that coats were to be removed and laid across the table every day when they got home from school. She would then hang them up about an hour or so later.

One day, the children came home, took off their coats and laid them across the table. "Mom," one of them asked, "Why do we lay our coats across the table instead of hanging them up? Everyone else hangs their coats up when they get home, but we have to lay them on the table. Why?"

Mom said, "I don't know why...I guess it's because that's what we did when I was growing up and it's just a habit."

"Why did you do it when you were little? We don't want to do it anymore."

"Well," mom began. "I suppose I could ask mother about this. She'd know why we did it." So she rang up her mother and asked her about it.

"Mama, why did we have to always remove our coats and lay them on the kitchen table when we got home from school?" There was a long silence and Mama replied, "It's because that was the rule when we were growing up, so I did it with you because I thought that it was a good way to do things."

Mom asked, "Do you have any idea why Gramma asked you to do that?"

"I don't know," Mama replied. "But I can ask her. I don't know if she can remember why, but I can ask her." So the next visit to the convalescent hospital where Gramma lived, Mama asked her about the coat question.

"Mother, do you remember when we were children, and we came home from school--is there anything you recall about what you made us do then?"

Gramma thought about it for several minutes, her mind going back to the old country kitchen with the pot-bellied stove in one corner. "Oh yes. You used to go straight out and feed the chickens after school and Randolph practiced the piano."

"No Mother. I mean..." Maybe Mother wouldn't remember. "As soon as we got home you made us lay our coats across the kitchen table and you put them away later. Do you remember that?"

Recognition flickered across Gramma's face. "Oh yes. I remember that we did that for awhile."

"Didn't we do it all the time?" Mama asked. "Because Patsy has the kids doing it and they don't know why and I did it with Patsy and I never gave it a thought. But why did you have us do it?"

Gramma chuckled. "You had the kids do it? Oh good night!" She began laughing out loud. "Don't make them do that. Tell Patsy to stop it!" And again she laughed outright. "Oh Honey, there was an outbreak of head lice at the school. The teacher sent home a note to us saying to look through your scalps to see if there were any nits on your head. But I didn't want to embarrass you children with that. So instead, I asked you to lay your coats with the sheepskin collars, across the table with the collars near the stove. My thinking was that if you had head lice, the heat from the stove would drive them off the collars onto the black wool of the coat and I could see if you had lice that way." She laughed again, "For goodness sake, I think we can stop doing it now!"

Three generations of kids following through, now putting their coats on the table in the dining room, far away from a stove or heat. No lice would be seen on the white and pale blue polyester Columbia parkas the kids were wearing now. No. Those rules were for children in another era, living under different circumstances.

I tell this story here because we are all caught up doing things by habit, governed by rules set long ago: the rituals we have during the holidays, the way we speak to other people, what we say off the cuff to neighbors. It is the principle of old rules that we need to take with us and apply to today's life. The literal rule may have no meaning, and even be laughable in today's society. We have friends who are different than the ones who made the original rules, who treat us differently than the old relationships that we still react to. We are now adults with the skillset of grown up people, and capable of creating our own rules for how we behave. The old rules are not bad: they just need to be revised and reapplied. It's the principle that counts, not always the exact action that we see.

Embarrassing!

If my understanding of the English language causes surprise in my stepdaughter by colliding with her generation's understanding of various words, imagine what my older friend's comments do to me.

I have a wonderful friend who is 83 years old. She grew up in Chelmsford, England. Her vocabulary, and many of her attitudes are quite Victorian. I think she's charming. She's taught me many things, just by being who she is. And I've learned some hilarious expressions from her as well.

When she is shocked about something, she'll say, "Oh my giddy aunt!" The imagery in that always makes me laugh. If someone feels smugly full of themselves she says of them, "I think someone fancies their lemon drops."

I enjoy the decidedly British usage of her words: she gets cross with people; she carries an invalid pass (handicap tag for her mirror) in her car; the neighbor's cat makes a terrible row. She uses a tea cozy and offers her friends a cuppa. Hearing her speak gives me a sense that I am visiting England.

One day my friend called to tell me that she'd had some water leakage disaster in her apartment. She'd had a plumber come in to repair something major. As he worked on the pipes, he seemed rather depressed and began telling my friend all of his woes.

"A terrible situation he has, with his wife wanting to leave him and having an invalid child. Sad, really." She paused, thinking about his sad tale. "He told me as he was leaving that he felt better after talking with me."

That was so like my friend. She is wonderful at listening and nurturing people.

"So as he was leaving, I told him to keep his pecker up. Life would be getting better for him."

I sucked in a lungful of air. Oh my goodness. "Did you really say that?"

"Yes. But I don't think he thought well of it. He gave me the most unusual look and left in a hurry."

"Well..."

"Barbara, why do you think he would do that?"

A few explanations and howls of laughter later, she got it. And when she got it, she was delighted with the shock quality of her comment, even though telling someone to "keep your pecker up" was common and acceptable back in London during the 30s. Just not now, and not in America.

It reminded me of a family we knew as children. The parents had immigrated from Australia and provided no end of amusement to my mother, for some reason. She was unaccustomed to hearing their accent and it was a matter of comment almost every time we spent time with the family. Our fathers looked alike and served at church together in a similar capacity. (and they both fell asleep sitting up on the rostrum at church, much to our chagrin). Mother was surprised to have the husband kiss her every time he saw her. She was shocked when the wife asked mother once for "...a clean nappy because Andrew has pissed himself again."

The story I recall about the woman in this family is one that always makes me smile. The husband was a scientist in a large, prestigious university. He bought a house for the family close to his work. Because of the proximity, and his warm nature, he invited his colleagues over for lunch one day. He was a vegetarian back in the 60s, when few people were, and his colleagues wanted to see what he ate. So he invited them home.

The day they were to have lunch, they all piled into two cars and drove the few blocks over to his home. Just as they were all getting out of the cars, Elizabeth came trotting into the driveway from the street. She'd been out jogging and had just made it home. "Oh," she exclaimed, "I'm all knocked up!" as she reached out to shake the first man's hand. Her visitor's eyes popped and they all were speechless. Clearly, her comments were not what they had expected.

It can be humiliating to stumble into something like this--as the one speaking--and not know why people fall into silence or gales of laughter. I went to Ireland once for a speaking engagement over 10 days. I became acquainted with a number of wonderful people who helped host the event at which I spoke. In addition to loving Ireland, the manner of speaking and the accent, the people were warm and delightful. One evening, on the way to the conference hall, my driver stopped to pick up Eddie, who was hitch hiking into town to hear me. We chatted and laughed heartily all the way to our destination.

Later, as I was speaking that night, I began to mention individuals by name in the crowd. "And there's Eddie. We gave him a ride tonight on the way here." 300 pair of eyes bulged and looked wonderingly over at Eddie, who was turning a deep shade of red. It was deathly silent. I got back to my topic and stayed there for the rest of the evening.

Later, an older Irish gentleman sidled up to me and explained that the Irish say that they give someone a lift, but never a ride. Giving someone a ride has sexual connotations to it. So I had just announced to this crowd that I had had sex with Eddie in the car on the way over to my talk that night. No wonder he was mortified. I could have collapsed from embarassment.

The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate. Douglas Engelbart.